HPT

Well the HPT was negative last night. I broke down and bought one on my way home. This morning, I have light AF. So likely not going to be this month. DH seemed dissapointed when I told him. But this month, we are officially trying. DH and I had a great talk on sunday about Isaac and where we stand emotionally. I think that he feels a lot of guilt. He wonders if Isaac is out there somewhere and hates us because he didn't make it. I understand how he feels, I wonder the same. But I don't think so. I think that he watches us every day and sees how much we love and miss him. But it was great to touch base with DH about our emotions. Sometimes, we get too busy and forget to do that. Other times, it's nice not to do every day. Carrying his emotions in addition to mine weighs me down sometimes.

Well, I'm off to Disney. I'll check in next week with a full report. I tried to post pictures of the doggy yesterday, but picasa wasn't cooperating. We might get her next wednesday!!

spotting

Okay, I'm still confused. I thought that pregnancy might be a false alarm. But I have yet to start AF. Am now spotting somewhat irregularly. Maybe this is just a long cycle. But I'm contemplating buying a pregnancy test, just for peace of mind. I told DH about possible pregnancy, he was excited. I think that's a good sign. Even if we're not pregnant, at least we're both happy about the possibility. My temps are still elevated....although i'm not sure what that means. My thyroid is out of whack, so it's hard to tell if it's because of pg or because of the thyroid. Ugh. I did buy a new thermometer and temps have been more normal since then. But still elevated, for sure. Why is this so difficult??

A little easter humor for you

This is freaking hilarious. Hope you all have a great day today. I'm off to meet my new doggy. I think that my post yesterday may have been a false alarm. My temps were lower today. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Connections

I think it's strange to see two people walking down the street together talking to other people on their cell phones. What's wrong with the person that you are with that you can't talk to them? Are they too boring or do you talk to them too much, therefore you need to call someone else to talk to? Maybe they're talking to each other on their cell phones. I work at a university and have observed this phenomenon many times. Every time that I see it, it baffles me. The other thing that kills me is when you are sitting at, say, breakfast with someone and their cell phone rings. They pick it up and proceed to have a 10 minute conversation with the person on the other end of the line. Meanwhile you and everyone else at the table don't want to talk to loud, in order so that the person on the phone can hear. Just don't answer the phone - that is unless you are expecting some dire phone call. What has our society come to that we are resulting to this sort of communication? I think it's sad. This is what today's youth comes to expect from their friends. I work at a university with a speaking tradition. That is, when you walk by someone, you are to make eye contact and say hello. Of course this is not MANDATORY, but expected. It is a tradition that our founding fathers put into place to encourage civility on campus. In the past year or two, the frequency of people NOT speaking or even looking at you because they are on their cell phone with someone ELSE has greatly increased. I would even guess that only 40% of students make eye contact and speak. This is not right. Hang up the fucking phone, for God's sake.

I'm freaking out. I think I might be pregnant. Is this possible? If so, are we doomed? I really didn't think that I was ovulating this month, so we weren't using protection. We only BD three times. Now my last chart is starting to look just like my chart in september when we conceived. I would be ecstatic if I were pregnant, but in some ways I'm thinking 'Oh no, it's too soon!'. It's been eight and a half weeks since Isaac's birth (January 27) and I've had one AF. Any feedback? Maybe I'm just stressing for nothing. But I can't help but be worried. Maybe I'm just imagining things.

We get to meet our dog tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm going to take pics to share. We probably won't get her for another week because I'm going on vaca on tuesday. I'm excited.

To Disney we will go

I don't know what the deal is, but time is flying. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just going through the motions or what. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in slow motion and I'm just watching the world go by me. It's not that I'm thinking about Isaac the whole time, it's just that I'm not quite all THERE. You know? Sometimes, I reach out and grab someone or something as it's whizzing by me and I get it. I make a connection with what is really going on around me. But time is literally happening and I'm not paying attention. I think it's my own form of grief. No, I'm not sitting around crying every day now. But I am still not quite right or the same as I was before. Is this who I'm going to be from now on? The aloof girl that's not paying attention to anything that's going on around her? Nearly every week, I look around me and realize that it's thursday. Where did Tuesday and Wednesday go? I have no idea because I was spacing out in every aspect of my life. I get to work on time and I work out and I cover practices in the afternoon and I get home to make dinner. My husband and I watch Law and Order every night and chit chat before bed. But it all happens without me really realizing or retaining much of it. That's sad. Case in point, I am leaving for Disney World on Tuesday. I just realized this. Sure, I've talked about the details to my sister. We've talked about how excited we are. I've arranged to take my history test early, so that we can leave earlier in the week. But I just realized that in five days, I'm going on vacation. Isn't that weird? I barely even noticed. This is exactly what I need right now - to get away from it all and zone out in the magical world of Disney. But typically, I would have had some sort of count down going and planning events. Nope, none of that. Of course now that I remembered, I'm excited. It just worries me that I don't pay attention. What else am I missing out on? I do feel like I'm working very hard to maintain a good connection and communication with DH. That's good, because it might go to shit if I didn't do something to help it out. Maybe that's why people sometimes have marriage problems after the loss of a child. The wife or husband wasn't paying attention and giving the relationship the care and nurturing that it needed. Food for thought...

I hate my job. I'm leaving the job at the end of this school year and I honestly can't wait. I have two plans: open a bagel shop or student teach. Either way, I won't be working here for much longer. It's just that the job sucks me dry. It pulls every bit of energy from me (maybe that's why I'm in lala land), so that I don't have time for anythign else. I work when everyone else is off. Nights, weekends, holidays - that's me standing on the sidelines of the game you are watching while you are off. It sucks. The professors here have no idea. Of course, they are the reason that the University is thriving, so I won't insult them. It's just that they wonder why I always look so frazzled and tired when they seem me at every game that they are attending - AFTER THEY GET OFF WORK! Ugh. But the fact that I hate my job and leaving it is making it difficult to do a good job at it. It's just that I don't really care. Between the grief and the fact that I've realized that there are bigger things in life besides working every day, I don't give a shit. That sounds terrible because I used to be the best worker that I knew. Now it's all gone to hell. I feel like I go through the motions each day at work to make the next day come sooner. That just gets me closer to my last day. I'm planning week by week to have some sort of major event to make the week go faster. Disney, working as a volunteer at the Angels Triathlon, getting a golden retriever, friend coming from home to visit, DH's friends from college coming to visit, conference for work....all to keep me busy and my mind off of the real stuff.

I'm sort of regretting unofficially trying this month. My hunger woke me up last night in the middle of the night and I thought - Oh shit, what if I'm pregnant. I mean, if I were pregnant and the baby was healthy and we get to enjoy it come December, all would be hunky dory. But if my body isn't ready to support a pregnancy yet and we lose this one to, it would be the end of the world. I would be devastated to lose another one. Next month, I think that my body will be ready. I just hope that I'm not pregnant until then...that is unless a baby this month turned out healthy and fine and all is well in the world.

Goldens

So, yesterday there was no beer drinking in the snyder household. It was quite nice, actually.

I had a great weekend. I went out of town to my mom and sister's houses. I scrapbooked with my sister on Friday night. I got six pages done for Isaac's birth. It was very therapeutic. Also, it's nice to have it all in one place and display it for my husband and I to view. I had never scrapbooked, dont' know that I will scrapbook after I finish this book. It's pretty expensive, but nice. I'm not sure that I have the time or patience. Saturday, I managed not to get out of my PJ's until after noon. It was fantastic. It had been a while since I let myself do that. We did absolutely nothing all day, just sat around and chit chatted. We did go outside to play and such.

We went to a place called Nature's Emporium, which is filled with garden and pet stuff. While we were outside waiting for my mom, my sister and I were looking at the notices for pets who need homes. We were having a discussion about Golden Retrievers and how much DH and I wanted one eventually, when a man who was also standing there turned to me and says, "Are you looking for a golden?" I wouldn't exactly say looking....but we would eventually like to get one. So, now i have the name and number of a man who has a four year old golden and is looking for a good home for it. I think we may just get a dog! I'm pretty excited. It may be just the distraction that I need. We have three cats and were sort of in the market for a dog. But if we can get one now, for free, we're in. We love animals and I grew up with dogs. Would love to have that addition to our home. It's going to be crowded after we have a baby - 3 cats, 1 dog, 1 baby, 2 parents. Our house isn't that big. But we do have a big yard, we'll have to make do.

On the baby front, it turns out we are sort of trying this month. Not really on purpose. I just hate fiddling with condoms. I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating, so it may not matter. But now that we're sort of becoming regular offenders, I'm getting excited about the possibility of another baby. Not that I'm any less worried or scared that something might happen. But I'm not going to let that ruin the excitement about it.

Distractions

We are thinking of opening a bagel shop here in my town. I'm not sure if this is a distraction technique or if it's actually going to go through. I honestly want to do it. My friend and business partner have been working hard to produce quality bagels. So far, so good. It has been good to keep my mind off of Isaac. I just want to know that if we do it, we will make money. I have no doubt that we will make some money, it's a question of whether we are going to make enough money to make it worth our while. You see, we both hate our jobs now (we work together). We have been looking for something else to do. She is a foodie, I am not. But a bagel shop may just be the answer to our prayers. But if we're both going to quit our jobs to do this, we should make sure that we will profit financially from that move. Hmmm.

Today is a beautiful day here, I cleaned out most of my flower beds. It's amazing how cleansing that is. I feel so much better just by reducing the clutter of old leaves and brush around the house. Cleaning in general is very cleansing...Ironic, isn't it? I've cleaned my stove and my baseboards and scrubbed my bathtub and painted my bathroom. Now today I cleared the flower beds out side. Distraction, yes. But also it makes me feel so much better inside. The new spring flowers are sprouting! This always perks up my spirits. Every year, without fail, those perennials just pop up above the ground surface. Usually at this time of year, I have to dig under the dead plants from last year to find them. But I do love it.

I'm taking a history class for my education degree. I like to go to this class only for the sake that no one knows me there. No one knows my history and my baggage. Typically, everywhere I go people know me. It's a small town here and everyone knows our story. It wears me out. I feel like I'm always being watched for emotion, etc. But when I'm at history class, it's like I'm outside of my skin. I can put all that has happened behind us for 2 hours and 50 minutes. No one is looking at me for a reaction, no one is trying to assess how I'm doing that day. Again, cleansing in some ways.

We did it again without a condom last night. I just hate using those little slippery suckers. It is a buzz kill or rather a mood kill. You have to stop all the passion and romance to slip the little guy on. Then it usually takes us a little bit to get back into it. I hate it. I told DH to just forget it last night and enjoy! I still have no idea what is wrong with my body. I can't figure out why my temps are so erratic. I shelled out $10 last night at CVS for a new BB Thermometer. I'm hoping that solves the problem. If I think that I'm going to put more effort into TTC here pretty soon, I better get things with my body figured out.

The grim reaper

The thing is that I'm afraid of death. I've come to realize this over the past few weeks. Any time that there is a deer on the side of the road or even worse, a cat dead in the road, I am horrified. It just makes me so sad that things have to die. I know that is the way of life and that if everything always lived, the world would be a very crowded place. But that doesn't make me love living things any less or make it any easier to accept the loss of a life. Maybe God made all that has happened to me happen for that reason. I have no choice, but to accept Isaac's death. There is no way around it. It is something that is happening to me, I can't distract myself into thinking that it didn't happen. I can't ignore my feelings or the feelings of those around me. I've been trying to distract myself into believing that the calf didn't die. I try to put it to the back of my mind, but when I drive by and see that lonely mama standing watch for her lost baby I am reminded of the truth. That's not an option for me and my own horrifying life. God, I miss Isaac.

DH and I have made some serious progress. Completely unrelated to Isaac, DH drinks beer every sunday. This pisses me off to no end. He did it long before he met me, and he has done it often since he met me. I'm not talking a few beers here, I'm talking a twelve pack. I don't think he has a drinking problem because he doesn't drink any other day of the week. And sometimes on sundays, he doesn't drink at all. The problem is that he drinks and that I don't like it. Every week, I bite my tongue and hold my anger. Well, this time I let it go. I am to the end of my rope. I wrote DH a letter explaining my feelings. I feel like he drinks because he is unhappy or that he needs to escape the life we are living. I've made excuses for him for the past few years. But after talking to him about it, I realize that he had no idea that I felt this way. Nor had he ever stopped to think about what I thought about it. He is going to meet me in the middle. This makes me happy...I feel a small victory here. I don't like to tell him what to do, but he doesn't want to drink beer on sunday if that doesn't make me happy. Whew. Let's just see if he follows through.

In pieces

The calf is dead and my heart is broken. I am so sad, honestly. I have been so depressed since yesterday when I returned home to see the baby calf lying on it's side. It hasn't moved. The mom has been standing post for the last few days beside the calf. Now she stands there and looks out at the road like "Please someone help me". Last night, she was nudging the calf to try to get it to get up. I'm not sure why I feel such a connection to this story of the cows. I think it's because of the parallels between this mom and I. I feel like I'm standing by the road thinking "Please someone help me" too. I've witnessed the motherly instincts of this cow and feel the same sort of instincts. Mostly, I just feel so bad because I know what I'm feeling. I know how empty and sad and helpless I am inside. I assume that this cow feels the same thing. This isn't to say that cows have organized thoughts, it's just that I can see the same desperation and sadness in the eyes of this cow. Of course, I am also sad for the loss of the life of the calf. I'm sure calves die all the time and I never know it. It's just that I have witnessed the entire event and feel a connection to the story of mother and baby.

I've had a heavy heart this weekend. I'm not sure if it's because I've talked to a few people this week that I haven't talked to since Isaac was born, or what. But I feel like I've regressed a little bit. The reality that we have lost our son and that we have to start all over with trying is overwhelming. All of my friends who are pregnant continue on their adventure into motherhood. My journey has stopped cold and I feel empty. Also, I feel like DH and I are handling this thing very differently. I should say that I know we are. We had a long talk last weekend about our feelings and where we stand with everything. It was good to hear his thoughts and feelings about Isaac and our loss. Also how he feels about trying again and what we need to do to help each other through this. It was great to be on the same page for a few minutes. But now I'm back to the reality that he has moved through his grief much faster than I have. I still linger on the little things and can't seem to get over them. I don't want to forget Isaac and therefore won't let myself let go. I'm not saying that he has forgotten Isaac by letting go a little. I just fear that I will forget if I move on. Part of me wants to get pregnant again so badly. I'm not sure why, I just think that will help me to feel hopeful and happier inside. But another part of me second guesses the decision to try again so soon in order to let my heart heal some more. I also fear that we won't get pregnant right away. Then we are faced with the stress of trying on top of the stress we are already carrying with our grief. It's just that we got pregnant right away last time. I just hope that my body is ready this time, too.

Okay, now I am rambling. I'm sure I'll be back for more later. My thoughts obviously aren't resolved and are in pieces. I just need to sort a little bit more.

Update on the cow

So I felt obligated to update any readers who stop by on the status of the cow. I think I saved it's little life!! About an hour or two after I called the owners, I drove back by the field. The calf was laying on the inside of the fence, still looked like he was in pain. His mom was nowhere in sight. Then I thought, Oh great, now I've helped this cow out and his mom isn't going to help him. But when I drove BACK by later that afternoon, the calf was up on his feet (still looked like he was in pain) and the mom was beside him. The next day, same thing. He hasn't moved much the past few days, but mom is by his side and he is up on his feet. This morning I drove by and none of the cows were by the fence. I assume that means that the calf was feeling better and was able to move toward the other cows. That's my hope any way.

I'm doing pretty well, I've had a hell of we workign weekend. That's the joy of working in college athletics. No weekends (and many times even days) off. I have a full day of tennis matches today. Joy. I do wonder why people who know what you've gone through ask stupid questions. The other day a girl that I work with says, "so, are you doing alright with everything?" What the hell kind of question is that? I know that she means well. But of course I'm not doing "alright" with everything. My baby is dead. I am a fertility nightmare. No, I'm not OKAY. I think it was just her wording that bothered me. Sort of insensitive or something. Weird.

Okay, tennis calls.

Mother nature

I love all living things. Seriously, I'm the person who swerves to miss and earthworm on the road when it's raining or a willy worm in the road in the summer time. So this morning when I was driving to work (we live out in the country) and saw a baby calf on the outside of the fence, laying by the road I had to stop. What was I going to do to help it? I have no idea. But when I stopped, the baby calf couldn't get up. It was laying there, alive, kicking it's little legs and tail. It was so sad. The mom was beside the fence looking out, helpless. I had no idea what to do. I don't know if the calf was in pain or what. I assume that somehow the mom had layed on the baby and paralized the calf? Oh, imagine. But the true motherly instincts that I witnessed this morning were undeniable. Here was this mom whose only responsibility in the world was on the other side of the fence and squirming with pain. The mom was helpless. Even if she did lay on the baby and squish him, she didn't mean to (do you know how much a cow weighs??) It brought tears to my eyes. Now if this mom's baby doesn't make it, she's going to be like me. Full of all of these motherly instincts and udders full of milk with no baby to use them on. Isn't it weird that I felt for that cow? But I was crying and felt like I needed to help. My next door neighbor is a large animal vet, so I drove back home and tried to get her. No luck. She wasn't home. So, I just called the people that I think own the cow and reported it. I don't know what they'll do for it, but I just wanted to help that baby and that mama out. Oh, I'm heartbroken.

Surveying the scene....

So my best friend just told me that she's thinking about being ready to start trying. I think that's fantastic. I think it's a real sign of healing that I'm so happy for her. Right? I mean, as I look around us, I realize that tons of people are pregnant. It seems like every day there is someone new who is saying "Did you know that so and so is pregnant?" What the heck? Maybe it's just the times and the age. But I seriously know at least eight other people in my circle of people who are pregnant in this town. I mean come on...is it in the water? I hope so, because I plan to drink it full throttle pretty soon. Maybe it's just God getting me geared up to start trying again. I am ready now. I wasn't a two weeks ago, but I am now. Isn't it funny how that works? Time does heal. I haven't had a hard time dealing with my pg friends in a while, no hard friends. Honestly. I just hope that we get pregnant right away when we start trying.

I'm thinking of scrapbooking my photos and memories of Isaac's delivery. I think that will be therapeutic. I'm not even a scrapbooker, but my sister is. I am creative and something about the idea of creating something for Isaac makes me feel happy inside. I don't just want to throw all the photos and cards into a box to be shoved under the bed. I want to celebrate the life that we were so eagerly looking forward to.

I just stumbled onto a new blog that I plan to check out more frequently. Totally not related to my situation, but a nice vacation from it anyway. Cooking with Amy is a cheery and colorful site about food preparation and reviews and such. I'm nowhere near San Francisco, but I am interested in some of the things that she offers there. I plan to return to check it out again. Just thought that I would share.

DH and I at Salem Avalanche Game 

Face to face

So I had my post-partum (sp?) check up today. On a good note, I'm healthy. We can have sex again (whew) and all is well. My uterus has shrunk back to normal size and apparently I have a retroverted uterus (TMI). Who knew? What does that mean for TTC? I read one entry on FF that said that with retroverted uterus, you should do doggy style and lay on your stomach instead. Do you really think that I should do the exact opposite of other recommendations, just because my uterus is tipped? I think that's weird. What the hell, we'll give it a shot.

Anyway, I had made the appointment and had no idea who I would be seeing for the check up. I delivered at UVa (which is a learning hospital and there are all sorts of young docs there who are eager to get experience). I had no idea what to expect. But when the doctor came, it was the same doc who delivered Isaac. I don't know why that struck me, but it was like a whole rush of emotions took me back to that fateful day in January. I guess I didn't expect her because she just happened to a resident on call on the night of delivery. Completely not my normal doctor. But for some reason, I felt a bond with her because of the delivery. I had a few pretty crappy doctors early in the labor process, who had no sympathy to my situation and honestly didn't have the best hands down there. It really hurt when they were checking things during the delivery and this doctor didn't hurt as much. Also, I think she was the only one (out of the fifteen doctors who were there) who was paying attention when Isaac came out. It was all rushed and things were moving so fast. They didn't even have time for the anesthesiologist to get there. Lots of hub-bub, but she was right there and strong for me during the entire delivery.

It was strangely refreshing to see her today, because it gave me a chance to thank her. I never got to see her after they delivered Isaac in January. But in some other ways, I wasn't really ready to travel down that road today. Naive of me, I know. But I feel like I'm travelling in footsteps that I've already walked. Now I'm emotionally exhausted and I still have more work to do here! Ugh.

oops...

So my husband and I had sex for the first time yesterday since the delivery...and it wasn't protected. It was sort of a crime of passion and protection was an afterthought. I don't think I could get pregnant right now...I shouldn't be ovulating until the weekend. But, wow, we really needed that. We had this huge argument/discussion about our healing process. Apparently, I haven't given him the physical attention that he needs. We have been very strong emotionally for each other, but I haven't even done anything more than kiss him. He needs more than that. Anyway, the anger and crying led to holding and consoling led to kissing and then... I didn't think that I was ready for sex yet, but it was a good thing. WE really needed it. I already feel a stronger connection to him today. Thank goodness.

Interruptions

We had a birthday party last night for my step-dad. My husband and I hosted the party. All was well, I was eating cake and ice cream and enjoying the conversation when the phone rang. It was two of my close friends who were calling to check up on me. They haven't talked to me since two weeks after delivery. Great, I'm happy that I have good friends who call to check. It really was nice of them. But of course, I had to leave the room and talk about the one thing that I was trying to put at the back of my mind. It never fails. I just can't escape it. I held up well. Actually when I answered the phone I was quite cheery. When my friend said they were calling to see how I was doing, I had to remember that I was supposed to be sad. I HAD managed to put our misfortunes at the back of my mind for a few minutes. Then I felt guilty because I wasn't sad. It's just a vicious cycle that I can't seem to shake.

DH and I bought condoms today. It seems funny to have to use them...we want a baby so badly. But I don't think that we want to get preggars before we are supposed to. Then that could mean bad things for the next baby. I do think it's progress that I am thinking about it. In some ways, I'm sort of excited to try again. I have been temping regularly - it's a start. As for DH, he can't wait to break open the package! This recovery has been so different for both of us.

Don't make me say it

Isaac is dead. My son died. Our son is dead. This is the first time that I have written it. I still can't bring myself to say it out loud. Why is that? I think it's because if I put it out there into the world, then I have to completely accept it. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty clear to me that I'm no longer with child. The reality that we are never going to get to know that little boy is all too clear. But if I said the statement above, it's sort of like when you're a little kid saying a cus word for the first time. You say it, then look around to see who heard you. I don't want to say it out loud. The raw sound of those words assembled into the same sentence is difficult for me to swallow. I tell people, "We lost the baby". That way, I don't have to give them the gory details or reveal my true emotions. Usually when I say that, people have no idea how to respond. They don't ask questions. I prefer that. Out of everyone that we told this phrase to (that is outside of our very close friends/family who have been our ultimate support system), only one has asked for any details. In some ways, I'm relieved. In other ways it makes me feel like it's not a big deal to them. They hear the words and move on. Sure, they send a card. But if they ask questions, that makes them REALLY get involved. It makes them realize that a baby has died and no one wants to think of that. The problem is that I don't get to move on, I don't get to act like it's no big deal. It's the biggest thing in my life.

I'm trying to see Isaac in the little things every day. The author of the book I'm reading, Life Touches Life, does this in her every day life. She swears that she can feel her child with her at times. I love this woman's perspective. It's really made me think of Isaac differently. Instead of praying only to God to get to him and ask God to protect him, I talk to Isaac directly. I like the thought that he is right here with us in our every day lives. He may talk to me through the warmth of the sunshine or the fresh smell of the air. At least that's how I plan to view it from now on. Then, I WILL stop and smell the roses. Isaac may make them smell extra nice for me, just to bring a smile to my face.

My friend sent me this article today from the Washington Post. There is some interesting stuff in there. the guy also wrote a book, Coming to Term that was out in January. It's funny that my friend sent this to me because I was just eyeing the book in Barnes and Noble on Monday. Maybe I'll have to pick it up now.

One down, one to go

So I got an update from Target registry yesterday in the mail. I just realized that we did do registries over christmas (only for the fear that we may not get the same days off again before the baby was born). I checked them all, we were still listed as due June 12. Weird. It sort of shocked me, as does any of the stuff that arrives in the mail that I so care-freely signed up for during pregnancy. Add to that American Baby magazine, stuff from our insurance company or updates from babies-r-us. Ugh.

The registry thing from Target made me remember that right before that fateful day that we got the bad news about Isaac, I had been talking happily to my mom and sister about the shower that they would throw. I was so excited to think of the celebration of our future child at the shower. now that's all down the tubes. My shower would have been in April, that makes me feel empty.

I hope that we get pregnant again before our due date for Isaac. Something about having my own little secret during that time makes me feel hopeful inside. It might make me feel less sad when all of my pregnant friends deliver :). I've been temping and can't quite figure out what is going on with my body. I'm pretty sure I'm having my first Aunt Flow right now. Which is a positive because we need to have two of those before trying again. So, it's one down and one to go. April is starting to look pretty good.

Meter sticks

So, I went to see a speaker here on campus this week about honorable competition in sport. His name is Dan Doyle He was excellent. Mostly, he made me think about my current leadership strategies and position in life. But at the end of his presentation, he talked about their first child. Their first child was born healthy, but progressed slowly in his development. Slowly, he and his wife watched as he lagged further and further behind where he should have been developmentally. When they went to the doctor after a long while, they discovered that their son was severely autistic. And their doctor gave them a schpiel about their situation. Their doctor told them that they could take two views on the situation:

1. They could let this define them. They could be bitter at the situation and place blame.
2. Or they could accept their situation and try to do things in the world to make it better for people who suffer from a similar situation.

I think this is what Lorraine Ash has tried to do. To try to help people who are in my same shoes is all that I can offer. So far, it's at least helpful.

Granted this guy gets to experience his first born every day. I'm envious for that. I would take Isaac with autism - just to have him. But we didn't get that, we got our own son with his own problems. And we only got to spend a short while with him before we had to turn him over to the nurses.

But this speaker also made me think about progress. How is my progress? Am I doing better than I was yesterday? Last week at this time? A month ago? The week before Isaac was born? The day that we found out? I do think that I am making progress. I went to the endocrinologist yesterday and was able to talk about Isaac's birth without crying. Inside, I am feeling like the tornado is now just a wind storm. Life is no longer whizzing by while I am standing still. I feel like I am doing better at work and am starting to care more about other things around me. I can feel for other people for the first time in a month or so.

I can also take the time to consider the emotions that my husband is going through. His way of dealing with it is to stay busy and distracted. I've tried that. I think I just need to face it, head on and go from there.

Great book

Life Touches Life by Lorraine Ash. This is the book that I'm reading. I'm only in chapter 3, but really feel a connection to this woman's story. She does counseling or consulting for mothers of stillbirth. I think that I'll email her to at least thank her for the book. She's included this poem (It's to her stillborn daughter, Victoria):

To our little Sister

May our Mother the Earth guide your tiny feet,
May our Father the Sky keep his arms around you,
May our Grandmother the Sun warm your cold days,
May our Grandfather the Moon keep the light in your heart,
May the Star People light their fires on your path to heaven,
and may the Holy Spirit always shield you from the pain.
Blessings to you, Victoria Helen Ash

-Brian Standing Bear

This makes me think of Isaac and smile to know that he's taken care of. She also talks of walking with her child one day in heaven. It makes me think differently of death, one day when I pass, I will get to see our son again.