Please sign petition

Roxanne posted this on her blog. I thought I would post it here, for those of you who haven't seen this yet. It's a petition to hallmark to support cards for parents in our situations. You can read the info on the site when you visit. It is very well explained there. It's amazing the number of people who have lost children. I ask that you please visit the site and sign the petition.

Observations from Central PA

We spent the weekend visiting my father in law in DuBois, PA. This is the hometown of my dear husband. When I visit, sometimes I feel like I'm visiting another planet. I'm not sure what the deal is, maybe because they are in the middle of nowhere....maybe because it is an industrial town that is lagging behind the times...but I feel like they are years behind the current world. Several observations from this weekend:

1. I don't think that a non-smoking section exists in DuBois area restaurants. This could be the restaurants that my FIL visits, but I have had to wash all the clothes that I wore this weekend because they reek of smoke. I am not a smoker and actually hate smoking. I have felt stuffy and congested in my lungs all weekend because of the exposure of this poison. I don't have any friends who smoke, so honestly I am not around it that much. Sorry to those of you who smoke, but I need a non-smoking section!

2. There are a lot of bad perms and bad teeth in DuBois. Enough said.

3. The price of food is amazingly cheap in DuBois. Seriously we ate at least three dinners that were priced under $5. That is unheard of here in Lexington. Also the prices of houses and the price of cars are way below the prices here. I would take that part of PA and run.

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As for everything else, it's been pretty boring here in my little life. I played golf with FIL this weekend. I love golfing. I wish I were better. It was nice to get away from all the hub-ub here. Actually, not just the hub-ub but life in general. It was like a mini-vacation. We didn't really do anything that exciting, but I wasn't at work. That's worth something...right?

I did have to sit through a miserable conversation with DH's step-sister. She is such a gossiper and had to tell FIL all about her husband's brother who got his girlfriend pregnant. The baby is not wanted and it's not a good situation. Why did she persist on continuing to talk about this baby and these people when I showed absolutely no interest? I'm not really sure. I couldn't have been any less thrilled to entertain her gossip. I mean, give me a break for God's sake. Do you really think that I want to listen to your bullshit about babies? Sheez. Not to mention the fact that now I have to mull over the fact that the "exotic dancer" girlfriend manages to get herself knocked up, but I can't even do that when I'm trying. When I did manage to get pg, that got fucked up too. Ugh. I wear myself out.

Number one is the loneliest number...

So the worst and best thing about CD 1 is that there is so much potential. I stare at the empty chart and think....wow, this could be the month. Then, I strategize about how I'm going to do things differently this month vs. last month. With each new CD 1, I always calculate what my new EDD would be. We're looking at March 3 this time around because February 1 didn't really work out this time. {Note: This is me trying to remain calm about the fact that my body has once again let me down.} So, here we go again on this continuous roller coaster ride. I actually thought about making an appointment with my OB to see if something is wrong with me. I know I'm being incredibly impatient and selfish right now (to all of those of you who go through this for months and months). It's just hard not to get down in the dumps. I wanted to be pregnant by the time my friends delivered in June...likely not going to happen. Here I am - an empty soul missing her baby. Why did Isaac have to die, I just don't get it. It's not fair. I want him back in my every day routine, I want him to be the little boy I had dreamed about. I just feel like my dreams are crushed right now. I feel defeated and deflated. I hate CD 1.

Nosedive

I hate my body. This sucks. I have no better way to put it. Temps took a nosedive this morning, so I'm sure AF is on her way. Damn, damn, damn. I'm so mad right now and I don't have anyone to blame but my stupid body. Ugh. Sometimes I think it's frustrating that we got pregnant on our second month of trying last time. It's making this time even more difficult. Now I'm afraid that my friend who just decided to start trying is going to beat me to getting pg. That would really suck.

DH had his 10 year college reunion this weekend. He went to school at the college where we both work. It was very fun and now I'm exhausted. I will say that I came face to face with a four month old baby. She is the daughter of our good friends. I thought I might get through the weekend without having to hold her. But just like that, the mom says 'do you want to hold her'? While passing her over the table. What was I supposed to do? It would have been very awkward to pass while the baby was hovering over the table, awaiting my arms. It wasn't as bad as I thought, actually it made me ache for Isaac. And also to ache for the one we are trying to conceive. I'm so ready for this. The question of the weekend was 'So, when are you all going to start trying for a family'. Been there, done that, thank you. My favorite was when a complete stranger outlined the highlights of the first and second trimester of pregnancy. You know, really tired the first and then a burst of energy with the second. Thanks for that, I'm quite familiar with those stages. I can't say anything, really. She is eight weeks pregnant and has no idea about our loss. I just smiled nicely and nodded my head.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I got to see a ton of old friends and had a great time. Now in hindsight, I wish that the nosedive temps and AF had shown up on Friday, so that I could have drank away my sorrow. If I would have been pregnant, it all would have been worth it. Instead, I got to be sober driver all weekend. At least it was a good excuse to tell all the people who were asking why I wasn't drinking. The truth, of course, was that I was hoping to be pregnant. On a funny note, I saw a guy this weekend who I used to have the biggest crush on. I think I still do. My heart did a flutter when I saw him. He is gorgeous. Thank god he lives in Portland - I forgot he existed.

Holding strong at 98.45

I have my fingers crossed. See that is the problem with this time in my cycle....anything could be. So of course, the temps build and build and I get more and more hopeful. Then BAM!! - just like that your temps can drop and AF shows her stupid head the next day. I'm hoping this is our month. I wish I could tell you that I had some symptoms to complain about. But so far, nothing.

Vixanne and Jill - thanks for the props about the fitness. I wish that I could say that I was in as good of shape as I was when we got pg with Isaac. But pregnancy and then depression that follows the loss of pregnancy wreak havoc on your fitness level. I am careful about what I eat and make a point to run three times per week. If I can squeeze it in, I lift once per week. But that's about all I'm able to do right now. My ass isn't getting any smaller. But if some degree of fitness will get me pregnant, I'll run every day.

Okay, I need to go for now. Will post more later. Send me babydust...whatever that is!

Back from the abyss

I've had a computer virus at work and haven't been able to get on the computer. I'm not sure what the problem was, but at one point I logged on here and the virus had come into this site. It had links from words from my posts to weird websites. It was strange. But I think we got that all tidied up now.

Vixanne - Thanks for the comment about my chart. I had another temp jump today, I'm not sure whether to blame it on what's going on inside or the fact that we need to turn on the AC. I'm so afraid to open the windows because I think it's going to make my temps drop. That's probably stupid, but I feel like this is a science experiment and I need to increase my reliability. I must be precise in all of my measurements. I don't really "feel" pregnant. I've been super unnecessarily tired...that's about all. I'm starving right now. But that's probably because I went on a run this morning and only ate a grapefruit for breakfast. See, that's the problem with possible pg because you can blame any symptom on something else or read into things that aren't symptoms. Ugh. So frustrating. I just wish that I were in control and could get pregnant now. Vixanne - I know you're sending vibes my way. You want company, I can completely understand.

My mood has been better lately. I've been spending less time at work....which definately helps my mood. They have announced that I'm officially leaving to the whole community. Sort of nice because now the pressure is off. Also sort of frustrating because it's smacking me in the face that I'm not going to be employed here in about 6 weeks. I'm trying not to freak out about how we're going to pay for everything. It all seems so weird. It's like a surreal life. I'm looking around me at the office I've had for seven years and it's hard to tell what is mine and what belongs to the school. My office is like a second home - hence the reason why I'm leaving. I spend way too much time here.

My garden is coming along splendidly. I'm going to take some pics to post on here for all of you who garden to see. My mom has been coming up every week and we have been tackling a flower bed each week. We're trying to do everything right by laying down weed blocker paper stuff, then topsoil, then mulch, etc. So far, so good. I bought some peonies and rhododendrons this week for one bed. My mom has brought a lot of stuff from her garden. I think working in the garden is therapeutic. I enjoy my time outside and I also love the progress that I make. It allows me time to think about Isaac all day long and also about the possiblity of another baby.

Okay, I need to get to work. Will post more later. Let me know what you think of my FF chart...

Holy Crap!

Two thing:

1. I just found a tick at the base of my hairline. That is disgusting.

2. My 11 year old cousin's school bus was hit by a freight train in St. Louis! Here is the story. Thankfully everyone is okay. How scary!

Mecka-Lecka-Hi-Mecka-Hiny-Ho

This is my mantra for this month. I'm not sure why, but it has been playing over and over in my head. So much, that I actually did a search for Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's a real bummer that all the scandal surrounded Pee Wee. I loved his shows. I think the Playhouse is hilarious and quite entertaining. I'm just hoping that the Genie answers my wish. He did say that my wish was granted. Genie - here it is, just in case you didn't hear me "please let me get pregnant this month". I finally did O on cycle day 17. This is late for me, but I'm just glad it happened. I only hope that our timing was right. DH actually did a "chi" dance over my uterus this morning. I think he really wants this too.

FIL is down this weekend. He hasn't visited since Isaac's birth. It's great to see him, but difficult to answer all of his questions about how I feel, what the autopsy report said, how I felt after deilvery, etc. His work sent us a very nice bible encased in a wooden box. Sort of a one-size-fits-al approach to sympathy. But the thought is nice. At least it's good for DH. His dad is his best male friend and I think they talk about stuff that he doesn't share with others. They are golfing all weekend, so nice that he is keeping DH busy too.

I had a great lunch with two of my pg friends yesterday. They are huge, I can't help but be envious. I have decided to plan the shower of my one friend that I was struggling with. Someone else is hosting it, I'm just helping with the planning. I actually feel good about it. That's a sign of recovery, right? The haze has lifted some, I'm feeling less down. I've been taking the Fish Oil. Haven't tried counseling yet. Mostly doing a lot of thinking about stuff in my head. This helps me.

Blogland was so boring yesterday, I was happy to see this morning that lots of people posted last night. I had fun reading this morning. Thanks ladies. Have a great weekend!

I'm a Man Eater

Yeah, so my husband thinks that I am "using" him for his sperm. Whatever. Welcome to TTC, buddy. I just laughed when he said it this morning. He is bitching because I never want sex this much usually, but now that we are trying to get pg, I want it. I assured him that this is the case with all couples TTC. We were TRYING to use the SMEP this month. But my body is screwed up, it is now CD 18 and I think I'm ovulating today. Of course, I had timed SMEP for ovulation on CD 15. Needless to say, we're a little off. Now I'm scrambling to try to time things correctly. We've had sex 8 times in the last 12 days....my bad. Why is DH bitching about this? I have no idea. I wish he would go stuff it. The truth is that I am using him for his sperm. I want to get pregnant, dammit. I'm not willing to waste this month because he's not in the mood. I told him last night the he never bitches about this when we're on vacation in Mexico. He wants to do it every day there. He says "This is not Mexico". No shit sherlock. I told him I would make him a margarita and we could eat salsa if it would make him have sex with me. It was hot enough here last night to pass for Mexico. I just hope it's all worth it.

Not much else to report. I've had a very productive week in the garden. Our dog has been in the hospital for an ear infection - $500 later she is finally better. I made a new friend at the coffee shop. I have agreed to host my friend's baby shower in June with another friend of ours (I feel much better about this now). Summer weather is here and I couldn't be more happy - got my first sunburn of the year on tuesday. I handed in my letter of resignation at work and I feel like a monkey is off my back. Note: I am also freaked out about not making a salary next year. I nailed my history final and am one more class to being finished with my teaching certificate. Hmmm...that's about my week in a nutshell. I'll post more later.

Mechanical Sex

So DH and I have managed to have the most mechanical sex...ever. There's something about TTC that makes it all so methodical. I mean, I ovulate today (likely). Temp was starting to rise this morning, so I wake DH up at 6:45 and tell him we need to get busy before work. Of course, neither one of us are in the "mood", as we have JUST rolled out of bed. At any rate, it's just sort of a bummer that at the time that sex should be so passionate because we are trying to conceive a child of love, the sex turns out to be just an act. Ugh. Sorry. TMI.

Mother's Day

So as it turns out, Mother's Day isn't that bad. It's the IDEA of Mother's Day that has had me in the dumps. I have honored my mom, that's all I can do. It's actually been a pretty good day. Bryan and I went to breakfast with some old friends. Then we came together to watch the NCAA tennis matches we are hosting here. And now it is a gorgeous, sunny day. I'm going to enjoy it by working in the garden. Oh and we're going to try to make a baby today. DH bought me a card, which I appreciate. Also, wished me a happy mother's day and gave me some hugs. We talked about Isaac looking down on us and loving his mommy today.

Rose (I love this name - it's my maiden name), I'm going to try those Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Also, going to try some counseling. That's all I have to say for today.

Vent Session

If you are sensitive today, don't read this. I just need to get these angry thoughts out of my head and then I will move on and away from them. The truth is that this is my only outlet of true emotion (my husband gets tired of me bitching). If you are pregnant, don't take this personally. I am not talking about you...

I hate pregnant people. There is this girl that works at the university where I work. She thinks she is perfect - Little Miss Priss we will call her. Seriously, she told me that the president of the university hand picked her to be his personal assistant. Maybe that is true, but I think that 's freaky. Also, I don't think that's something I would share with other people. She is married to her college sweetheart and is one of those people who is always put together just so. Her hair is never amuck and her clothes always match. She is dainty. I don't like her much. Actually, I don't even know her much. But what I do know of her, I don't like. Let's just say that I would never choose her as my friend. ANYWAY, what I was trying to say is that she is now pregnant. Due in December and telling everyone....which is risky. That makes her what...two months pregnant at the most? She acts like and thinks like nothing can happen. What pisses me off the most is that she walks around with this smirk on her face like she's got a secret and no one can spoil it. She is naive. I had a secret once too, guess what. It was spoiled. I'm not sure why she bothers me so much, I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her since I found out that she was pregnant. She didn't tell me, a mutual acquaintance did. But I can just see her when she DOES tell me. She is one of those people who pity me and doesn't know what to say when she sees me. Imagine the hay day she would have when she gets to tell me her news. Ugh.

There are pregnant people everywhere. My friends who were all due around me are growing larger and so does my envy. maybe that is the problem with Little Miss Priss...I'm jealous of her, no jealousy is not the right word. I don't aspire to be like her. If I did, I would make more of an effort to try to be more put together. I look "cute" maybe once a week. The rest of the time, I'm doing good to get myself dressed and make up on every day. It's been a hard semester. No one understands that. I have a hard time getting myself ready most days because my brain is so scattered. Again, I can't see through the fog. Miss Priss makes me sick. Back to the pregnant people, I AM envious of them. I'm supposed to be 35 weeks right now, damn it. They DO have something that I don't. They WILL have their babies and I won't. I know one day we will likely conceive and I will be one of them. Yet I won't be. I will be different. I am in a different category. There is no way around that.

But the pregnancy has to stop (like the madness!) - I wish I could just go into a bubble until I am pregnant and I have another secret. Even then, I don't know if I will want to share that secret with people. I will want to be cautious and not tell people until it's unavoidable. It must just be the age, but everyone around me is popping up pg. Why am I the only one who has had a problem? Why am I the one that lost her baby? Why did God choose me? Am I stronger? More able to deal with it? Is it to bring me closer to him? Is it to punish me? I have no idea. I'm exhausted.

I was teaching a CPR class the other day and I think I know what caused the rupture of my amniotic sac that killed my baby. I have been trying and trying and trying to think of what it could be. Running through everything from a bad hamburger to hot baths to our well water that might have caused it. The thing is that SOMETHING caused my amniotic sac to rupture and Isaac to get caught in it. It's not a mystery.....the autopsy states either trauma or illness was the cause between 8-10 weeks of pregnancy. Of course, Isaac didn't die until much later and wasn't affected until he got caught in the scar tissue as the amniotic sac was healing. But something traumatic caused it. So, was it while I was lifting weights (which is supposed to be safe?) up through the 15th week? Did I move funny in my sleeep? I THINK it was when a student was demonstrating the heimlich maneuver on me. If I can place it correctly, that would have happened during my 10th week of pg. He was to "simulate" the heimlich and did so. But he did it much harder than I anticipated. It hurt at the time, but I thought "the baby is tough, it would take a lot to hurt it". Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's not like they could have repaired anything if it did happen. But I think I have placed it. That's the only real "traumatic" thing that I can think of. This brings me some peace, although I will never really know what caused it. Oh, I drive myself crazy.

Mother's Day is tomorrow...I hope we conceive a child tomorrow. The time is right, let's hope the little guys do their job. Say a quick cheer for them...please? Who invented mother's day, anyway? I appreciate it because it makes me stop and be thankful for my mom. But I put it into the category with Valentines Day - something that Hallmark made up to make more money. I never really thought of it before now, I've never been a mother before on Mother's Day. My mom gave me a card, I wonder if DH will do anything? I don't know what I want tomorrow. I won't be happy whether he does something or not. I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. Just let me be at peace. Maybe I'll work in the garden. It's supposed to be 80 here. Finally.

At any rate, have a great day tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me babble.

Just a question

What does anyone know about TTC and anti-depressants? I don't want to be THAT girl who is on meds for my problems. But the truth is that I don't know if I'm patient enough to wait for counseling to help. I live in a small town. There aren't many resources here. Maybe I should look into anti-depressants with counseling. I am a true believer in counseling - have used it several times throughout my life. I have found great relief. But part of me doesn't want to face what's really underneath...at least not yet. I just want it all to go away. I know that a pill doesn't make anything go away, but at least to get me through the fog. At any rate, I don't want to hurt any potential child that may be forming inside of me. Any thoughts?

Today is a good day, I have been very productive at work. That always makes me feel good. For some reason, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I told my boss that I wasn't returning next year. I had lunch with my friend A, who is pregnant. For some reason, it doesn't bother me when I see her. Probably because she has been so real to me through all of this. She really is a great friend, despite her faults of being pregnant. Then, this afternoon I took an icecream break with one of the athletic teams here at work.

Okay, that's all for today. Just looking for a little advice. TIA.

The Sperm Meets Egg Plan

What is it about TTC that people come up with all this cutesy stuff? What is babydust, exactly? I think of it as fairy dust that people are blowing my way...I always think of Peter Pan. And baby dancing...fancy name for getting it on. I think it's funny. Whatever it takes, I will do it to TTC the next child. For example, we are currently following the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". Which basically breaks down into a lot of screwing over the next week. But how is that really different than any other time you are TTC? Take last month of TTC, we did it every day for a week, took one day off, then did it two more days in a row. Okay, we were a little over-zealous (it WAS the first month of trying). There probably weren't even any sperm left in there by the day that I ovulated. TMI. Sorry. But I think it's funny that someone coined the name SMEP and then calculated exactly when you should be fornicating with your husband. I just think that's the goal every monthy of TTC. Get the sperm up there to do their job. Supposedly there is a greater chances (40%) of conception vs. 20% regularly. I think they just put those figures out there so that everyone would follow their funny little plan. I will let you know in about 20 days whether it is any more effective than regular baby dancing.

My mom came up to spend the day with me today. We had a wonderful day, we went for a drive out in the country to a yarn store (I'm a knitter) that I have just discovered. It's so pretty out there - it is located next to an herb garden and an old mill (where they make flour and cornmeal). There is a winery up the road. Basically they have built up the place to attract tourists, but I find it very peaceful and plan to return again. At the yarn store, they also have a pick your own berry farm. I just love it. All this nestled into the Virginia mountains, perfection to me.

The only downfall is that a pregnant woman that I know was there, too. She is due any day and is knitting a sweater for her unborn child. Isn't that sweet. Barf. I should be knitting my child a sweater, damn it. But he is dead now...that won't be happening. She knew that I used to be pregnant. She didn't mention anything about it, thankfully. But just like that, your day is altered because of someone else and their pregnancy. Ugh.

Anyway, my mom and I had a long talk about the state of things. Basically, I described to her that I'm pretty depressed. She noticed. I guess I thought I was fooling everyone around me with the front that I put up. Not the case. She thinks that I seem withdrawn and unhappy and that I should see someone. Sure, I'm all these things. My baby died, for God sake. She is very well aware of the root of my problems. Just doesn't want my state of mind to further harm my relationship with DH or those around me. I don't want to see a counselor, I don't think they'll understand. I just want the doc to give me some pills that will make life easier and make me happier. Do you think that's possible? This is the first time that I have fessed up to these feelings and really talked to anyone about it. She's right, I should do something.

She ended the day by buying me lunch and wishing me a private happy mother's day. I appreciate that. She noticed...I'm not sure that anyone else will. I know that DH is thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about how hard it will be. But I'm just chugging along, trying to get through every day. Mother's Day probably won't be much different.

Adding Insult to Injury

This is what happens when you get home and the freaking mailbox has a sample package of huggies attached to it. Thank you, Huggies. I appreciate the free diaper, yet it is only a reminder of what we don't have.

I have been thinking a lot of older people who I know that only have one child. I work at a university and know many college age kids, several who are only children. Now I find myself wondering if their parents had similar problems. Did they lose a baby or have difficulty and decide to only have one child as a result. It makes me wonder. It's just that so many people have come out of the woodwork to share their stories of loss. I'm sure there are many more out there who have experienced it that I don't know of. Just food for thought, I guess. I was reading over on Baby or Bust and Sara was talking about the wedding that she attended this weekend. Of course, she got put at the dreaded pregnant woman's table, but discovered that all wasn't peaches in cream in this woman of loss's life. Apparently, the woman had infertility problems herself and even several losses before her successful pregnancy.

It has made me think about the people around me. What is really going on in their lives that I don't know about. I've heard so many stories about this. For example, while we were in Disney, I met a woman at the pool. We start talking about her little boy (who is playing with my 8 year old nephew). She says "It took us eight years to have him...he's spoiled to death". Well, that leads into whether we'll have kids soon or not and eventually I spill the beans. Yes, we've lost our child. This is actually a get away to get my mind off of it...yada, yada. Come to find out, this lady has had infertility problems herself and two of her sisters have had late losses. She was so therapeutic to talk to. I usually don't share any info with strangers, especially about what has happened. But maybe God put that lady there for me to share with. It turned out to be a great conversation. As Sara says on Baby or Bust, her way of coping is sharing. I share too, it's just that usually it's in a safe, anonymous place (my blog).

Anyway, to make a short story long, I guess that I'm just more aware of the people around me now. I don't think that I'm going to be a super showy pregnant lady next time around. In fact, we plan to keep it from everyone in our lives for as long as possible for the sake of caution.