Five months, yesterday

Five months since I delivered my son. I never thought I would make it to this point, let alone be trying for my next child. My, how far I have come. Sure, I'm still very caught up in thoughts of Isaac. But for the most part, I would say that I have come a long way in five months. It's intersting, I'm taking a teaching class at a college here. For our assignment today, I had to bring a "me bag". Basically....a bag full of stuff that tell all about you. I brought pictures of Bryan and I, my mom and I, pictures of me when I've been sky diving, bungie jumping, rock climbing and scuba diving. Stuff from when I was a little kid, stuff from college, my knitting needles, my triathlon numbers...but somehow sharing the fact that I also had a son who I had lost in January seemed too personal. Of course, what I really wanted to say is that the memory of him consumes me. That should have been all that I put into my "me bag". But I didn't even mention his name. To these people, I have no children. It's weird. I feel sort of guilty for not mentioning him or bringing pictures, but that's a lot to unload on a group of complete strangers.

Once again, my body is throwing me for a loop. It's CD 13 and no signs of O thus far. Not much EWCM, no temp rises, the OPK is still negative. I've been testing since CD 8 because my cycles are so irregular. We may never conceive another child at this rate.

I'll be in and out this week because of the class. I'll touch base when I can.

Babies everywhere!

On top of the four people who have had or will have babies in the last and next two weeks, I have recently heard of about 10 other friends of ours who are having babies. This makes me sick, no offense to the preggars out there. It's just that we are supposed to have had a baby by now, I'm supposed to be sleepless because of my newborn. Nothing is the way it should be. Even my plants are having babies...see below. I'm happy they are reproducing and getting bigger, it just adds fuel to the fire. Ugh.

Another new addition to our garden family. 

Chicks and Hens - even my plants are having babies! 

Summer Solstice

That would be today, the longest day of the year - which it may have been, next to the day that I delivered Isaac. I started the day this morning at 8, I came into my office to find that the laptop that I had borrowed last week had been stolen. Note: I came into the office early so that I could get some school work done (I'm taking a world history class this summer). Obviously that didn't happen, I proceeded to try to track down all the clues that I could muster until 10am. I had the end of employment meeting with the personnel office here at work, and the reality that I am leaving this place in 10 days officially smacked me in the face. When I returned to my office, I continued to try to find the fucking computer. Why is it that there are thieves in the world? I promise you that the computer meant way more to me (as it is not mine and I now need to return it to it's owner) than it does to them. Fuck. I sprinted home for lunch, walked the dogs and then went to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Great day so far, right? Got home from the dentist - I hate that feeling in your mouth when it's numb - and cranked out the paper on the French Revolution for class that I was supposed to do this morning. Now, I'm sitting here and waiting for my crappy class to start. Four hours of the sheer bliss of World History over the internet - toot my horn. That's the greatest way that I can think of to finish the longest day of the year.

So, vacation was nice. We trekked all over the state of Indiana visiting friends and family. I'm always so glad that we make the effort, it's just hard to muster the energy at the end of the week. Visits make me thankful that I have such great friends. It also makes me wish that I lived closer to those great friends. It was a difficult week, as this is the first time that I have seen most of them since we lost Isaac. I felt like I was a specimen that they were observing in some screwed up science project. Two of my friends even had the gall to ask me about how everything with "baby stuff" was going. Fucking great, he's dead. How do you think it's going? The truth is that they expect everything to blow over like a bad storm. I'm right in the fucking middle of it, getting drenched right now. Overall, I put on my happy face and was blatently honest with most of them. Usually that makes them uncomfortable and then sorry that they even asked. Good.

We have gotten through the major milestones that I can think of - mother's day, due date, father's day.... Now I am just ready to get pregnant. I'm pissed off at my body right now, what does it take to get pregnant? Of course, my ovulation date has ranged anywhere from CD 10 to CD 18. That boils down to a lot of screwing this month, as we would like to time things accordingly so that we get pregnant. I keep having these weird thoughts and feelings - "what if I am pregnant, but my body is just acting screwy". Wishful thinking, I know. Nevermind the excessive bleeding, cramping, temp drop, etc. I just want this now, not being very good at being patient. I've decided to turn my energy toward losing weight, then maybe I'll just happen to get pregnant on the side. Again, I'm wishing. But I'm also trying to watch what I'm eating and also getting good exercise. Now we'll play the waiting game once again...

Crap.

That's how I feel right now, both physically and emotionally. Started light AF this morning along with a headache and backache. I'm miserable. I'm so pissed...who to be pissed at? Myself? My husband? My body? God? Honestly, I need someone to direct this frustration to. I know this is only the third official month of trying, but it was so easy last time. I mean, everything is there. Why is this not working? I hate my body right now.

I'm signing off forf a few days. We are checking out of the hotel and losing wireless connection. I won't have access until monday morning when I'm back at work. Just in time for me to go into hibernation over the latest developments in my crappy journey of TTC. See you soon.

Observations from our trip thus far....

So yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought. As Roxanne said before, it's more the build up and idea of the day that is bad. We had a nice service, which opened up the communication lines between DH and I. We had good conversations following the service about Isaac and also about any future children. The tree looks great, I hope it doesn't die while we're gone. Wouldn't that be ironic? My friend is coming out to water it. DH and I spent the entire day together, listened to a book on tape on the drive to Indiana, went to dinner, went swimming at the hotel, and said a quiet prayer for Isaac before we went to bed. All in all a pretty good day, considering.

So several observations from my trip thus far:
1. Indiana is so flat. I keep forgetting that while I live in Virginia. It's startling. As a result of the flatness, I had the best run this morning. Indianapolis has a great canal walk thing that is three miles long. Perfect for a run. I think tomorrow we'll try to venture into the city.

2. I saw a bum sleeping on a table at the beginning of my run. I saw an elderly couple eating breakfast at the same table at the end of my run. Ew. We don't have bums in my small town of 6000...they fascinate me.

3. We nearly drove into a tornado yesterday, I'm just sure of it. The skies were green, with lots of thunder, rain, and lightening. There were tornado warnings surrounding us. Welcome home, toto.

4. My convention sucks. I think it's a combination of the fact that I don't have a friend to hang out with (as I have had in the past) and the fact that athletic trainers are a bunch of ass kissers. I'm not into that. I just don't believe in sucking up, which is the base of networking in this profession.

That's it for now....still no real sign of pg. I think my boobs might be bigger...which I DON'T need.

Isaac Christian

Birth Date: January 27, 2005
Time: 12:24 am
Weight: 13.2 oz.
Length: 10 1/2 inches
Estimated Due Date: June 12, 2005

Do you know that we chose the name Isaac Christian after we found out that all was wrong with our little one. We originally liked other names, although Isaac was on the list of final three. It means "He who laughs" in Hebrew. We chose it because it's a biblical name and it brings positive thoughts to our minds when we think of it. We wanted something with meaning. It's also the name of a saint. Christian means "with Christ", which I believe he is. Ironically enough, it's also the name of our high risk doctor.

We are planting a tree tomorrow and having a memorial service with just my husband and I. I'm sort of looking forward to it, a chance to close one chapter and open the next. Each day, I think of the little boy that we lost and all that could have been. I believe that he brings me surprises - today he brought me the smell of honeysuckle during my entire run with the dog. He continues to bring a smile to my lips and warmth to my heart every day with his memory. We miss him so much.

The maybes...

I had a dream last night that we had a newborn baby boy. He came out and was walking/talking right away. It was weird. Maybe that's a sign I'm pregnant...

On that front, my temp dropped today. I'm not sure what that's about. Actually, we have resisted turning our AC on for now and I sweat through the night. I thought for sure it would be elevated. Maybe it's an implantation dip....

Maybe my body is oversweating and that's why my temp dropped...
Maybe my body temp dropped because my body evaporated all the sweat and was effective at cooling itself....
Maybe I'm a nutcase and need to just quit thinking about it....

Dead Baby Jokes

Have you ever heard these? Who the hell ever thought them up, anyway? Who ever did is a sick, sick individual. I had forgotten that these even existed until one of my students in CPR class made a dead baby joke while we were learning infant CPR. I felt like slapping him and saying - you know, as the mother of a dead baby, I really don't appreciate that. Instead, I clenched my jaw, swallowed the lump in my throat and acted like I didn't hear him. Now that I think of it, I should have slapped him. Of course, he has no idea that I have a dead baby. He has no idea what his little joke did to my insides. It's not his fault my baby is dead. He's a fifteen year old kid without a care in the world in the department of dead babies. Bad karma is all that I can wish upon him. Anyway, did you know that there is an entire website devoted to dead baby jokes. That should be banned. Now that's off my chest, I can move on.

The lunch with my new mom friend got cancelled. I'm actually relieved. Now I'm going to go out of town on sunday and really won't probably have to call her back until mid-week two weeks from now when I return. I'm off the hook. It was more a nice gesture than anything.

5 DPO...nothing new to report. I'm really hungry today, but that could because I'm a cow. I need to learn to control my appetite.

Shower power

Well, I made it through my friend's shower on sunday. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't even really focus on myself, I was too busy running around trying to get everything just so for her. Honestly, I like my friend so much; I'm happy for her that she made it through her pregnancy unscathed thus far. As I've said before, it's the people that I don't know that are pg that I can't tolerate. For my little circle of friends, I have proved to be genuinely happy for them and hoping that their babies are healthy. I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone that I care about. I wonder what they think when they look at me? Probably pity. That seems to be the general consensus.

One of my friends had her baby. I'm going to visit her tomorrow...note I didn't say the baby. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it. I just wouldn't be right. I'm not ready. Probably won't be ready until my own child - despite the forced child holding of an older child a few weeks ago. This baby is a newborn...she is potentially the size, age, etc. at the exact same time that Isaac should be. Thankfully, my friend is so understanding. She actually mentioned the other day on the phone that it is probably bittersweet for us. She totally gets the fact that this is difficult for us and that we are meant to be right there with her. I appreciate that so much. She really is a great friend...she'll probably even understand that I don't want to hold her kid. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

I'm 4 DPO today and counting. No true signs of pregnancy yet. Boobs had a twinge of soreness yesterday, although any boob would be sore if you squeezed it hard enough. I've had an upset stomach - not like last time. More queasy, like I'm going to have diarrhea. Last time it felt like a vast emptiness that I just had to fill or I would be sick. I did smell the celery that my friend was eating today when I entered the room - and it was in a ziploc bag. Probably too soon to tell anything yet. I hate this time. The time that I will need to test, we'll be in Indiana. We're leaving on sunday to go to a conference. Conveniently, I'm also from Indiana. So, we are making a visit out of it. I guess we'll be staying in a hotel, so technically I could test. Ugh, I drive myself crazy.

EDD is on sunday. I'm a little nervous for the emotions that day may bring. More than anything, I miss what should have been immensely. Our Isaac is missing out on so much in life. He deserves better. He did deliver to me my first firefly of the summer last night. I was standing outside with the dog, enjoying the warm evening and the stars (we live in the country). Then the field next to our house lit up with them...sure maybe he didn't deliver them. But I like to think that he's sending me messages because I enjoyed that so much. He brings joy and sorrow to me every day.

The Amazing Race

Well, I continue to POAS and try to figure out when I am O'ing. This TTC thing is way more tricky than I ever imagined. It seems funny to me that so many people have unplanned pregnancies...it seems impossible to make it happen when we ARE planning. Makes me think that we should just relax (I know the infertiles HATE that term), have a glass of wine, listen to some great music and have occasional great sex. Or in my roommate from freshman year's case, get completely wasted at a frat party, have sex with my boyfriend of three months, and bam! she was prego. Completely unplanned and unwanted at the time. Fortunately for her, things have turned out great. They are happily married with three kids. Who knew?? I just feel so frustrated and pressured during this time. I just want to time everything just so. Of course, you can time everything to the tee and nothing happens. If only the control was in our hands. Ugh!! I do feel more relaxed this time around (or course 2WW is around the corner, that's usually when I crumble). We went golfing with friends yesterday and I had a beer. DH was upset because I was drinking while were TTC. Note: this was one beer. While I appreciate his concern, the having of the beer is part of the part that I'm currently playing. You know the drill, the person who is trying to be non-chalant and just happens to get pregnant in the meantime. Yes, this is the same person who bought an OPK this week - I fell out of the role for a bit. (BTW - sorry to freak people out with the pics. I didn't even think about what people would automatically think! Maybe in a few weeks.)

So my best friend has officially gone off the pill. This is the person who was definately going to wait five or six years after marriage before even thinking of TTC. (They've been married three). The same one who thought I was crazy last August when we first started trying. Now her SIL is pregnant and of course I was pregnant earlier in the year. She says that it's all made her realize that life is too short and they can't wait until the stars are aligned before they TTC. Nice. But that makes me feel a whole new level of pressure. I feel like it's a race. I swear that if she gets pg before me, I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep being her friend. Of course that's going to happen...she'll get pregnant right away That's just my luck. She says they aren't going to TRY, just stop trying to not get pregnant. I'm not sure why this is, it's just hard for me to swallow. I was really upset when she told me. I tried to be excited for her and everything. But she's not even taking prenatal vitamins, for God's sake. She really is non-chalant and God will probably reward her for it. Why does he keep punishing me?

On the TTC front, we will BD again this morning and every day until my temp rises. Thanks to you all for your help with the OPK. Basically, there are no hard and fast guidelines that let me know that I have for sure ovulated. I was hoping that the OPK could narrow it down a little closer for me...and I guess it did.

Our EDD is coming up on June 12. I really do think it has helped to read about others here who have gone through it and survived. DH are going to plant a tree and have a private memorial where we say nice things. Then we are going to get in the car to drive to Indiana. That will be when I stew and stew and stew over the state of things. Hopefully we will have a good book on tape and I will knit. In some ways, I think it's a milestone to get past. We survive that and then maybe a new stage of healing will begin? If nothing else, it's a day of celebration for the son that we lost. I miss him dearly and feel his abscence every day. It's amazing how much I think about him. He is intertwined in my every thought.

About healing and grief...I never really experienced loss before this. I mean, my grandparents died when I was younger. One of my husband's volleyball players was killed in a car accident five years ago. But nothing has ever touched me this closely, never hit every nerve in my body. It's weird. I've never gone through it....so do I know that I'm grieving properly? Is there a proper way to grieve? Is there anything that I'm missing? I just try every day to put one foot in front of the other and honor my son in every way that I know how. Some days I do a good job of that (and even enjoy myself sometimes). Other days, I do a sucky job and I can't really function that well. I'm not sure what else to do. Sometimes I think, would it hurt so much and for so long if I didn't wallow in it all the time? Should I stop wallowing? I don't even know if those around me know that I'm wallowing. But most the time when the world is going on around me, I'm consumed with thoughts of Isaac. I'm functioning in life, but am I really? It's been over four months...will it get easier? Sometimes it is easier, but for some reason I think that I will always be consumed with his memory.

CD 10, 6pm 

CD 11, 7am 

Help???

I have a great post planned for later today, but I am currently stumped. We BD on CD 6, 10, 11 of this cycle. DH said yesterday (CD 10) that I was especially "wet" down there. So all day, I'm wondering....why am I having EWCM on CD 10? My curiosity was killing me last night, so I went and bought OPK. Being that I have never used OPK, I'm a little stumped. I tested on CD 10 at 6pm after drinking a ton of water the test strip was darker than the reference strip. {Picture being posted below}. I had a terrible headache and couldn't think of BD last night (we had BD yesterday morning). So, I tested this morning again and the test strip was slightly lighter than reference. We BD again this morning. My temp was not elevated this morning. What does all of this mean??? I just want to do all the right things at all the right times! Any advice, please???