Vent Session

If you are sensitive today, don't read this. I just need to get these angry thoughts out of my head and then I will move on and away from them. The truth is that this is my only outlet of true emotion (my husband gets tired of me bitching). If you are pregnant, don't take this personally. I am not talking about you...

I hate pregnant people. There is this girl that works at the university where I work. She thinks she is perfect - Little Miss Priss we will call her. Seriously, she told me that the president of the university hand picked her to be his personal assistant. Maybe that is true, but I think that 's freaky. Also, I don't think that's something I would share with other people. She is married to her college sweetheart and is one of those people who is always put together just so. Her hair is never amuck and her clothes always match. She is dainty. I don't like her much. Actually, I don't even know her much. But what I do know of her, I don't like. Let's just say that I would never choose her as my friend. ANYWAY, what I was trying to say is that she is now pregnant. Due in December and telling everyone....which is risky. That makes her what...two months pregnant at the most? She acts like and thinks like nothing can happen. What pisses me off the most is that she walks around with this smirk on her face like she's got a secret and no one can spoil it. She is naive. I had a secret once too, guess what. It was spoiled. I'm not sure why she bothers me so much, I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her since I found out that she was pregnant. She didn't tell me, a mutual acquaintance did. But I can just see her when she DOES tell me. She is one of those people who pity me and doesn't know what to say when she sees me. Imagine the hay day she would have when she gets to tell me her news. Ugh.

There are pregnant people everywhere. My friends who were all due around me are growing larger and so does my envy. maybe that is the problem with Little Miss Priss...I'm jealous of her, no jealousy is not the right word. I don't aspire to be like her. If I did, I would make more of an effort to try to be more put together. I look "cute" maybe once a week. The rest of the time, I'm doing good to get myself dressed and make up on every day. It's been a hard semester. No one understands that. I have a hard time getting myself ready most days because my brain is so scattered. Again, I can't see through the fog. Miss Priss makes me sick. Back to the pregnant people, I AM envious of them. I'm supposed to be 35 weeks right now, damn it. They DO have something that I don't. They WILL have their babies and I won't. I know one day we will likely conceive and I will be one of them. Yet I won't be. I will be different. I am in a different category. There is no way around that.

But the pregnancy has to stop (like the madness!) - I wish I could just go into a bubble until I am pregnant and I have another secret. Even then, I don't know if I will want to share that secret with people. I will want to be cautious and not tell people until it's unavoidable. It must just be the age, but everyone around me is popping up pg. Why am I the only one who has had a problem? Why am I the one that lost her baby? Why did God choose me? Am I stronger? More able to deal with it? Is it to bring me closer to him? Is it to punish me? I have no idea. I'm exhausted.

I was teaching a CPR class the other day and I think I know what caused the rupture of my amniotic sac that killed my baby. I have been trying and trying and trying to think of what it could be. Running through everything from a bad hamburger to hot baths to our well water that might have caused it. The thing is that SOMETHING caused my amniotic sac to rupture and Isaac to get caught in it. It's not a mystery.....the autopsy states either trauma or illness was the cause between 8-10 weeks of pregnancy. Of course, Isaac didn't die until much later and wasn't affected until he got caught in the scar tissue as the amniotic sac was healing. But something traumatic caused it. So, was it while I was lifting weights (which is supposed to be safe?) up through the 15th week? Did I move funny in my sleeep? I THINK it was when a student was demonstrating the heimlich maneuver on me. If I can place it correctly, that would have happened during my 10th week of pg. He was to "simulate" the heimlich and did so. But he did it much harder than I anticipated. It hurt at the time, but I thought "the baby is tough, it would take a lot to hurt it". Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's not like they could have repaired anything if it did happen. But I think I have placed it. That's the only real "traumatic" thing that I can think of. This brings me some peace, although I will never really know what caused it. Oh, I drive myself crazy.

Mother's Day is tomorrow...I hope we conceive a child tomorrow. The time is right, let's hope the little guys do their job. Say a quick cheer for them...please? Who invented mother's day, anyway? I appreciate it because it makes me stop and be thankful for my mom. But I put it into the category with Valentines Day - something that Hallmark made up to make more money. I never really thought of it before now, I've never been a mother before on Mother's Day. My mom gave me a card, I wonder if DH will do anything? I don't know what I want tomorrow. I won't be happy whether he does something or not. I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. Just let me be at peace. Maybe I'll work in the garden. It's supposed to be 80 here. Finally.

At any rate, have a great day tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me babble.