What is it about TTC that people come up with all this cutesy stuff? What is babydust, exactly? I think of it as fairy dust that people are blowing my way...I always think of Peter Pan. And baby dancing...fancy name for getting it on. I think it's funny. Whatever it takes, I will do it to TTC the next child. For example, we are currently following the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". Which basically breaks down into a lot of screwing over the next week. But how is that really different than any other time you are TTC? Take last month of TTC, we did it every day for a week, took one day off, then did it two more days in a row. Okay, we were a little over-zealous (it WAS the first month of trying). There probably weren't even any sperm left in there by the day that I ovulated. TMI. Sorry. But I think it's funny that someone coined the name SMEP and then calculated exactly when you should be fornicating with your husband. I just think that's the goal every monthy of TTC. Get the sperm up there to do their job. Supposedly there is a greater chances (40%) of conception vs. 20% regularly. I think they just put those figures out there so that everyone would follow their funny little plan. I will let you know in about 20 days whether it is any more effective than regular baby dancing.
My mom came up to spend the day with me today. We had a wonderful day, we went for a drive out in the country to a yarn store (I'm a knitter) that I have just discovered. It's so pretty out there - it is located next to an herb garden and an old mill (where they make flour and cornmeal). There is a winery up the road. Basically they have built up the place to attract tourists, but I find it very peaceful and plan to return again. At the yarn store, they also have a pick your own berry farm. I just love it. All this nestled into the Virginia mountains, perfection to me.
The only downfall is that a pregnant woman that I know was there, too. She is due any day and is knitting a sweater for her unborn child. Isn't that sweet. Barf. I should be knitting my child a sweater, damn it. But he is dead now...that won't be happening. She knew that I used to be pregnant. She didn't mention anything about it, thankfully. But just like that, your day is altered because of someone else and their pregnancy. Ugh.
Anyway, my mom and I had a long talk about the state of things. Basically, I described to her that I'm pretty depressed. She noticed. I guess I thought I was fooling everyone around me with the front that I put up. Not the case. She thinks that I seem withdrawn and unhappy and that I should see someone. Sure, I'm all these things. My baby died, for God sake. She is very well aware of the root of my problems. Just doesn't want my state of mind to further harm my relationship with DH or those around me. I don't want to see a counselor, I don't think they'll understand. I just want the doc to give me some pills that will make life easier and make me happier. Do you think that's possible? This is the first time that I have fessed up to these feelings and really talked to anyone about it. She's right, I should do something.
She ended the day by buying me lunch and wishing me a private happy mother's day. I appreciate that. She noticed...I'm not sure that anyone else will. I know that DH is thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about how hard it will be. But I'm just chugging along, trying to get through every day. Mother's Day probably won't be much different.
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I am sorry for how hard this must be, especially leading up to Mother's Day. I'm glad you talked things over with your mom.
Your primary care physician can prescribe antidepressants, and they may help. But a therapist might be able to help, too. Losing a child is uniquely painful, but it is a fairly common experience, and there must be therapists who are trained to help in that situation.
Either way, you could talk to your primary care doctor or your OB/GYN about antidepressants. Either of them would be able to prescribe them. I went on them after my first miscarriage and they helped me.
Sorry for the assvice, please just know I am thinking of you.
Susie -
blogger won't let me connect with your blog. I'd love to catch up with you. Thanks for your help - it helps to hear from others.
Holly
Sorry! I meant to leave my address. :-)
www.notahabit.blogspot.com
holly, i'm not very far removed from my son's death yet, but i do know from my decade-o-depression in my 20s that the pills do not make it go away. for me, the right pills (which turned out to be serzone, after trying four others) allowed me to sleep at night and not totally check out of the world so that i had some resources, my wits about me if you will, to be able to finally do talk therapy. and even then, it wasn't until the fourth therapist that i found the right therapist. but when i did deal with what i needed to deal with and heal and get on with my life, i didn't need the pills any more. i went five years without them, until the day i delivered my son, and then i asked my ob for something to keep me from getting so far gone that i couldn't get back, and he did agree to the serzone, given my history, but it's a short-term fix, and i've re-entered therapy.
i tell you this whole gassy story to illustrate that pills make it easier but they do not make it go away. i think you said before that there weren't really therapeutic opportunities in your small community, but i'd encourage to go to wherever you have to go to get therapy. if you have insurance, call them and ask where they would refer you. i know you don't want to spend a decade wandering in the wilderness of your grief. i've been there, and it is not pretty.
take care of yourself.
Holly,
I could ask my therapist if she knows of anyone good in your area. I'm not sure she would, but it's worth a try. My therapist basically solely deals with grief and has worked with a lot of women who have experienced pregnancy loss.
I also tried the sperm meets egg plan. It did not work for us, but I also think I was too overzealous. My doctor said do it every two days. I just tested like crazy around O time and made she we were as close to O as possible before we did it.
I second what everyone else said- go to your OB/GYN for antidepressants. That's what I finally did, after working with a therapist for PPD for 3 months. I didn't get anywhere with him. And yes, AD's aren't a cure-all, but they sure as hell make it easier to cope.
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