Done, Done, and Done

Well, I did it. I had a meeting and told my boss that I wouldn't be returning next school year. Whew. I was so nervous, I nearly made myself sick. I just explained that we had been planning for me to not return to work when we thought we were going to be having a baby in June. Now that has changed, but our plans have not. I plan to student teach in the fall, and I can't very well be doing that if I'm also working here. He didn't realize that I had been taking classes to be a teacher and I explained that at some point (hopefully sooner, rather than later) we were going to be having a family. I can't have a family and do this job very well (this is a direct quote from him). So, I need to get a new job. At some point we are going to have a family, so the sooner I get into my next job the better. He was very understanding and even encouraging once the initial shock wore off. He is even going to try to keep me "on" as long as possible - possible late resignation - so that I can "have as much money in my pocket" as possible when I leave. This is actually a gracious offer on his part. I'm very glad that he's being agreeable about this. Like DH says, the worst he can do is fire me. That certainly didn't happen. I'm glad for that.

I also put in my application for the Director of the Montessori Center for Children today. I say that I might as well check it out to see what it entails. Maybe more money than teaching? Definately a different job description, more administrative with supervising teachers. Sort of principal like...I would say.

At any rate, my spirits have lifted some because these two things are checked off the list. Whew.

Old Friends

I have been missing the past few days, my friend is in town. I must say it is so nice to have her company. We have been friends for over 15 years. There is nothing like a friend who you have history with and doesn't mind your baggage. This is the first time we have REALLY talked about Isaac and his delivery. It was good to share it with someone who would not be judgemental. On the other hand, sort of sad to go back down that path. I made it through without crying, which is pretty good. I have been sad the past few days, for whatever reason. I'm not sure what it is...probably hormones. I'm pretty bummed that I wasn't successful in the pg department and have therefore been throwing a pity party for myself. That in combination with the fact that my friend's baby shower is this weekend. I went to Target to ger her cute stuff, but couldn't do it. I just got a gift card. I did walk down the baby aisles and thought of how sad it is that we won't be needing the stuff come June. Then I went to books-a-million to waste time while my friend's plane was late...I ended up in pregnancy aisle. I did find some good books that I would like to get next time around.

I have been thinking a lot about friends and how I categorize them. Losing Isaac has shed a lot of light on the depth of friendships that are in my life. Some people have surprised me at their level of giving and sincerity in our friendship as we lost Isaac. It's like I have friends at different levels. Of course closest are my DH, sister, and mom. But next there are my three closest friends - Dana, Dina, and Heather. They are the friends that I have a solid past with and never worry about what they will think. It's weird how you just connect with some people and not with others. But these three are always the first three that I think to call when I need something or have to report something. It doesn't matter where we live or what is going on in our lives, we are still just as close as ever. We can pick up a conversation or a visit without missing a beat. The next level of friends are also very close to me, that is I confide in them. But there is some sort of separation between the top level and everyone else. I would say that there are about 5-10 people who are in that level. These people have been amazing throughout this whole ordeal. Some I talk to more than others. Some live close to me, others live across the country. But they are great friends to have. After that, there isn't really much room in my heart for many others. Seriously, it's like I reach capacity and then no more. Of course, there are the people that read my blog and I read theirs. You all know my deepest, darkest thoughts....good or bad. It's funny that I am willing to share them with complete strangers, but not anyone else.

Sorry this post isn't that enthralling. I have a lot going on at work and am super tired. Just not that inspired the past few days.

CD 1

One sign that I'm not pregnant - AF showed her head today. I am very dissapointed. I actually cried last night because I could tell she was coming. I'm trying hard not to be a drama queen about this, because honestly a lot of other people have it much worse out there. I have to realize that this is only our first "official" cycle of trying - so many people try for much longer with the same result. But it doesn't make me any less sad that we weren't successful. I'm not sure what it is, I'm just ready for this now. It's been thirteen weeks since Isaac was born...I'm supposed to be 34 weeks pregnant now. I think that's why I'm obsessed. The facts of what is supposed to be makes me want what could be even more. It was so easy last time, we were so naive. We "tried" and we succeeded...pregnant in our second month of trying. I hope that doesn't spoil it this time if it takes longer. What am I saying, it is already spoiled this time. I am all the wiser to what CAN happen during pregnancy. The bliss has changed.

To add fuel to the fire, I am having terrible cramps today. It's like my uterus is trying to punish me for wanting pregnancy so much. I don't feel much like writing...sort of bummed. I think we'll try something closer to the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan" next time. This is such a funny name - what else would they call it when someone is trying. Obviously the whole goal is to get the little guys up there and have them unite with the egg...duh. I guess the SMEP is just organized sex for those with disorganized lives. Okay, I'm going to go lie in the fetal position in my bed now. I feel like crap.

I survived!

So I forgot to mention that I had book club today. This is a nice little club of my friends who also happen to read. There are about 15 members in all, some of us come more often than others. Anyway, we have been having a hard time coordinating our schedules and finding a time that worked for everyone. I've been so busy trying to make things happen for book club and was also distracted by the fact that I'm going to see all of my friends that I forgot that two of them are very pregnant. Wow. I really should have thought of that because it was waaaay more difficult than I had imagined. Of course just seeing them in all their pregnant glory is hard enough. I mean, I have seen each of them and have actually talked to each of them about their unborn children. But there is a big difference between having a one on one conversation with a girl who is your friend and happens to be pregnant and having a whole group of people who haven't seen said pregnant women and are going goo-goo ga-ga over them. I should say that the meeting was smaller than normal (thank goodness, I'm not sure I could have taken more of this) and the people who were there are all typically considerate of my situation (including the pregnant women). But it's difficult for people to see a pg woman and not ask her details. There were all sorts of questions about due dates, boy vs. girl, symptoms, etc. (all the while, I sit uncomfortably quiet in my seat - trying not to squirm or to look at anyone else at the table). Wow. I should have prepared myself better for that.

On a related note, I'm wrestling with a delimma about one of my pregnant friends. The truth is that I'm probably one of her better friends here and she is one of mine. I'd love to throw her a baby shower, but I'm not really sure that I can do that. I just feel like someone should throw her one and if I don't - who will? She is one of the coolest and down to earth people I know, but there is no way to avoid the exciting talk of upcoming baby at a baby shower. Do you think it would be weird if I hosted it, but didn't stick around? Today was a good trial run and I did alright, but that might just be the next level. Oh the delimma!

I caved

and tested this morning. Negative. Although that isn't necessarily correct because I am only on CD 10. Last time (when I was pregnant) I tested on CD 10 it was negative too, only to be positive on CD 14. I should just learn my lesson, save the money, and wait to test until later in my cycle. I just can't wait.

As you can see, I'm not really that creative this morning, so I posted pictures of the new pup. Her name is Trigger (terrible name, I know. But she came with it and she's four and I don't want her to have an identity crisis!). I'm getting used to it. Isn't she pretty though? We're having a rough adjustment period with the cats...but things have got to be getting better soon. Right?

Okay, 5 signs that I might be pregnant:
1. lots of weird dreams for the past 10 nights or so
2. temps are looking good, elevated with a slight dip on CD 7 and CD 8
3. spotting to accompany dip on CD 8
4. pretty tired the last two days - although that may be because we're getting up and running with the dog every morning at 7
5. positive energy that I am flowing toward my uterus

5 signs that I might not be pregnant:
1. No sore boobs
2. Have been cramping (like period pain) all week since CD 7
3. Not getting up any more than usual at night to pee
4. Not excessively hungry or nauseous
5. Because I really, really, really want this and it seems that what I want just doesn't happen (I know that sounds spoiled)

Trigger the Great! 

Aren't I pretty? I love baths!! 

One more thing...

I forgot to mention before that there is a poor girl over on FF whose husband has given her chlamydia. Dear God, could you imagine? I didn't even reply to her post because I didn't know what to say. Apparently he had cheated with a waitress on a business trip. Wow.

2 WW

Okay, this sucks. I don't have much to write about because I keep obsessing about whether I'm pregnant or not. I can't tell you how many times today I have looked at my chart. It's not like it's any different than it was at 10am when I put in my new info for today. I just keep hoping that one of these times I'm going to click on it and it's going to say "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" in red flashing neon. Not that I'm sure I'm pregnant or anything. But my temp had a nice spike the last two days, preceded by a nice dip (implantation?) the two days before. Along with the dip came spotting. So, now I am totally freaking myself out.

Honestly, before today I have been so relaxed and just going with the flow. But now due to the recent temperature shifts and dips, the past nine days have officially felt like nine years. Why does the 2WW have to drag on so? I'm tempted to test tomorrow before DH goes out of town for the weekend. But I don't want to get BFN and be dissapointed. Okay, now I've said it. When I DO get the BFN next week, I'm going to be crushed. It's official. If only I had some great plans for the weekend to make the weekend go faster. But if I did anything, I'd like to throw a margarita party for my friends. Given that I can't drink (2ww) and my other friend that I would invite is preggars, it's probably not a good idea. I am wondering how I'm going to get by for the next while without drinking in front of my friends if I am pregnant. They will be suspicious. Not that I'm a huge drinker, but if we eat mexican...you can bet that I'll be drinking a margarita under normal circumstances. Maybe they will be clueless and not ask. Other than that, I'm not sure how anyone would know. I really do plan to keep it from people in the real world for as long as we can. It's our business, I'd like to make sure that things are alright with the bambino before we go blabbing. That was the worst last time.

Okay, now I've rambled. But I need to get some work done - rather I need to go and obsess a little more about the state of my fertility.

Funny items...

Some things that are all in a day's work for me that other people think are funny:

Walkie Talkies
Golf Cart
Fanny Packs
Grass
Sweat
Coolers
Hot College Boys
Tape

I am an athletic trainer at a university. Most people flip out when they get to use Walkie Talkies as adults, I use them every day. Strange...I know.

Spring Fever

The weather here today is beautiful. I love days like today, actually I love spring. I've always said that summer is my favorite season because I'm off of work. But Spring may be making a good campaign as my new fave. It always amazes me that the flowers know just the right time to come up and the trees know just when to bloom. It's like they come out of their winter sleep raring and ready to go. Those that are more tolerant to cold naturally come up first. It's amazing. I know this is basic elementary science, but I am still amazed by the wonders of the world. It's 80 degrees here today, you would never know it's the middle of April. Of course, the warm weather is giving way to April showers and 60 degree weather for the weekend. But I'll take the good weather while we've got it.

So, now I've got ants in my pants about doing fun summertime outings and vacations. I don't want to be at work or do work while I am here. I love this feeling, but hate the fact that I have no choice but to be here. I am leaving this job in June, I am getting the notion to start to count down the days. It's really weird to be leaving this job. Initially, the big plan was to have time off after Isaac was born in June and then student teach next spring. That has all changed now, as Isaac came to us early in January and there is no baby to take care of. My life has really been altered in more ways than one. Sometimes when I sit down and think about it, it blows my mine. So, now the plan is to student teach in the fall and hopefully have a baby early next spring. We will find out in a week if that might happen in January or later spring months. Honestly, the timing still works out fine. It's just weird that I am now leaving my job under totally different pretenses. There is no guarantee that we will have another child...should I still leave the job? My husband asked me that the other day. Would I still leave my job in June if we weren't pg yet. I think that if I didn't quit the job, I would lose all hope. It's like the plan had been blown to hell. At least we are still sort of following it. As for the job, I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions until June. Every now and again, I have to shake myself and remind myself that I need to keep doing a good job until that time. It's a strange situation because my best friend is my coworker. I am actually her boss. I think she's pulling the weight for me, which makes me feel guilty. But other times, I think of all that I have been through and worked through this year and I deserve some time off. I didn't get the time that I thought I needed when it all went down. Now, I feel like I am grieving on the fly.

I heard my husband tell his friend last night that "we are over it and moving on to try for the next baby". It sort of pissed me off because I know he doesn't feel that way. He's just trying to put up a macho front for his friend. God forbid he let the friend know that something deeper and more raw was really going on. I mean seriously, if you can't be honest with your friends about the most real thing in your life, what can you be real about? He hasn't even talked to his other two close friends much about it. The truth is, I am his best friend and he doesn't feel the need to share his emotions with others. He is so different from me. I put it all out there - for all to read and hear. I just need to get it out of my head and into space. Sometimes I think he should start a blog, so that he can really express his emotions.

You know the funny thing, though...no one from my REAL life knows the address to this blog. I've only told my mom, DH, and friend about the fact that I blog at all. I'm afraid to share with them for fear that I will write something to offend or piss them off. I really avoid confrontation in all aspects of my life. Even when I'm so pissed at DH, I don't SAY anything. I only act mad and play out every conversation that we could have in my head. He usually knows that I'm mad because I get quiet. But I am generally NOT a confrontational person. I never have been, I'm just like my mom.

So, that's all to report. I"m going outside to enjoy the weather.

Ain't nothin' but a Hound Dog

Do you ever hate your husband? I hated my husband for about an hour yesterday. We were pressure washing the side of our house. It seems like any time we do a home improvement project together, I hate him. You know, trim the hedges or put on a screen door. We just do nothing the same. Seriously, this morning we were brushing our teeth - he puts on toothpaste and then wets the brush....I wet the brush first and then apply the toothbrush. We never see or do things in the same fashion. Sometimes I love that about him, yesterday I hated it. He was pissy because we have so many plants around the house - never an issue unless he is pressure washing the side of the house. He trampled my hyacinth (my favorite). Didn't even notice the fact that he was able to step on five out of the nine. Ugh. Of course, when we're all done with the projects we go back to being two peas in a pod. But I could have spit fire at him during the ordeal yesterday.

On the TTC front, things are at a stand still. Just waiting to see if the little guys have done their job. FF changed my O date from last sunday to last tuesday. So that either means that I am 8 DPO or 6 DPO - depending on which I should follow. No pg symptoms to speak of. I did have slight spotting this morning and a temp drop...maybe implantation? Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'm out this month. I keep feeling my boobs to see if they are sore. The only symptoms I had last time were sore boobs, really tired and sensitive to smell. I felt like a hound dog.

Purging

Sometimes I feel like I just need to snap out of it. Mainly when a friend from far away emails me to see how I'm doing. I always feel so mopey when I'm thinking of the response. Like 'I need to be positive here...muster up any positive thoughts you're having'. The truth is that I'm feeling pretty crummy inside. I'm just not that happy. Sure, I'm still very sad about Isaac and all that has happened to us. I think about him every day. ut most recently I've been pissed that we even had to go through this at all. I don't know why I'm throwing a pity party for myself, but I don't think it's fair that I feel this way. In some ways, I hope that I can enjoy the next pregnancy (if we get pregnant). I think I'm depressed. I prefer to spend time by myself and generally just don't enjoy the same things that I used to. Even when we were at Disney, I felt like my feelings and excitement about our vacation were muted. I'm on mute...that's a good way to put it. I don't really talk about my feelings to anyone but DH. My mom and I used to talk it into the ground, but now I think that people are afraid to ask how I'm doing for fear that I may be having a good day. I guess that makes them good friends for not asking. But even my sister doesn't try to get too deep. I tried to talk to her on our trip in the car to Florida (we did have 28 hours together), but it's like she only wants to hear so much. I could talk about it all day....analyzing every aspect. No one else wants to do that with me, probably not even DH. Sometimes I don't even know what I feel until I go to blog or until I respond to a friend's email. I hate that. I'm just out of it. I feel many things - deep sadness for the loss of Isaac, anticipation of the next child, guilt for the anticipation I feel, worry for what I might do wrong to make the next pregnancy go bad, more sadness for our little boy, happiness for the sunshine outside, thankfulness for my husband. But I would never describe myself as happy during any one day. I tell people when they ask 'Fine, how are you?' Like if I can divert the attention from my feelings to theirs, they may not notice or scratch the surface of what really lies beneath my skin. I think that I'll be cautiously happy if I find out that we are pregnant again. The thing is that I'm not that afraid of the next pregnancy. We have an autopsy diagnosis of what happened and it's like a strike of lightening. Not likely to happen again. That doesn't mean that I'm carefree and thinking that something ELSE isn't going to happen. But that does help to ease my mind, we have answers and I couldn't be more thankful. Muted Mumbo Jumbo is how I feel right now.

I am listening to one of my favorite bands right now, Pat McGee Band. I love them. They calm my thoughts and soul. I need to see them in concert soon - my frazzled soul needs some calming.

I cleaned out our file cabinets today and purged all the old files that I didn't think we needed to keep anymore - you know cable bills from 1999. I think there are rules about how long you are supposed to keep that crap. I only keep them as long as there is room for them in my file cabinet. There wasn't room for even one piece of paper and I knew it was time to purge. It feels really good to throw things away. I love finishing bottles of shampoo and conditioner. It's like a sense of accomplishment.

I'm still wrestling with my anger and thoughts about our doctors next time. I"m still angry that my OB doc hasn't even called. I think I'm going to suck it up and make the hour drive over the mountain to continue seeing the doctors that delivered Isaac. They were there, they know my story, they have called and seen me since. They are really great doctors - I want them to deliver a healthy baby of mine. Is that wishful thinking?

Conversations

I've had three conversations in the past two weeks that have gotten under my skin. All have focussed around when we're going to start a family. For instance, I got a haircut last week. The conversation with HairDresser (HD) goes like this:

HD: So, what's new with you? You're expecting aren't you?
me: No, actually we lost our little one in January. It was a boy.
HD: (completely uncomfortable now, way to go) Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Now, let's say that she found out that I'm pregnant in say November (Let's be honest, I haven't been pregnant for two months now), wouldn't I be showing more by now? I mean the girl who told her is due the week before my EDD in June. Obviously she's showing, why ask me? I know she had no idea, it just caught me off guard. People are clueless.

Another example, the pushy salesman of the timeshare presentation that we had to go to in florida - 'Holly, when are you going to start a family? Oh, come on! Kids are great, you mean to say that you and your husband aren't ready? Times just not right or what? Wow, I can't wait to have kids, I can't imagine not wanting them right away.' I mean come on, give me a break. My eight year old nephew was making googly eyes at me because he didn't know what to say when she's being pushy. He kept his lips zipped, which I appreciate.

People just shouldn't ask. I have learned my lesson for the future

Bloggy-blah

So I've been taking a break from blogging. I'm not sure why, I've just been very tired and focussed on other things. Also, I've had a lot of time off of work and haven't spent endless hours in front of the computer. The time off is a blessing, I'm feeling much more with it and caught up, if you know what I mean. Lots has been going on...here are some updates.

Disney was fantastic. We had such a great time. Spending a few days at the "happies place on earth" was refreshing. Although it was very crowded - they had a record setting day at the magic Kingdom one day while we were there 78,000. Thankfully we were at Epcot that day. They must not turn people away. Honestly, wouldn't you think there was some sort of max capacity for safety reasons? Apparently not. But Disney did not let me down, the oldies are still good. They have added some new rides and the parks have gotten a new look recently. But I love the place, despite the high prices of stuff. The best part of it all was that I had some time to get away and reflect and sort out some of what is happening in my head. The weekend that we were gone was supposed to be the weekend of my shower back home in Indiana, had Isaac still been with us. It made me sad to think of that, but hopeful for the next baby. In some ways, it made me mad that no one else seemed to notice that fact. It's not like we had some big plans all set when he was born, but I had definately talked about it at length with my friends from home. You know what I dread the most? Mother's day. Sure, I want to honor my mom that day. And if nothing else, the day means a whole lot more to me now. But I am supposed to be having a baby in two months, not trying for the next one right now. Sometimes I forget that and feel less sorry for myself, but sometimes (when I see my pg friends who are due around my EDD or when I sneak over to the "Due In June" boards on the pregnancy side and see the signatures) I realize what is supposed to be happening to me right now and I'm overcome with sadness and sorrow for our angel who we lost. It pisses me off, to be honest. Why does this stuff have to happen to people? I hate it. Sorry for the vent there. On to more happy stuff...

We got a dog. Her name is Trigger (quite possibly the worst name in America, but she had it when we got it and she's four. I dont' want to put her through an identity crisis). She's awesome. She has tons of energy and she's very sweet. No bighting or barking, really. She's past the puppy stage, which is great for us because we aren't home enough to train her. She's very well trained by her previous owner. If I can ever figure out how to post more pictues, I will share. I've been spending lots of down time with her. The cats are insanely jealous and the blending of the family hasn't really been too smooth. I hope it gets better with time because it's stressing me out. I hate it for the cats that they can't roam freely in the house for fear that Trigger will come at them. They just need to get over it and the dog will too. Ugh.

I've worn DH out....seriously. This is the first month of trying since Isaac was born and because my cycles were irregular last month, we've been "trying" every day for a week. I still don't think that I've ovulated (likely today), but I'm not sure that DH has anything left in him. I think he's sort of embarrassed about it. I just hope that we don't miss our window. It's all a mystery to me how spermies can live inside me for some time and fertilize miss egg when she releases. I'm just hoping the ones on post do their job because I'm not sure there are going to be any other spermies coming that way today!! I'm approaching obsession about TTC and am so ready to be pregnant again. I know that brings a whole new set of worries, but I really need this right now. I was secretly hoping I was pg last month when we weren't trying. But now I am psychologically and even physically ready. It seems that my thyroid is back in regular swing, so the temps have been better. I have tons of EWCM today, which is a great sign. I just hope that the little guys are making their way north and are successful. I can't imagine not getting pregnant right away. We didn't have to try too hard last time we got pg, I just hope for a different outcome (obviously) this time. Can sperm really live inside for a few days? Maybe we'll have a girl this time, they say they are slow swimmers. Why do they say that about girl sperm? Is that why we are slower all around (sports wise) because we've been that way since before conception? Weird.

I've been thinking a lot about the last time we went through everything with Isaac and what we will do this pregnancy? Will we stay with the same docs? You know what angers me about the old docs is that they never called me afterward. No "I'm sorry about the loss" or "just wanted to check how you are feeling" or "if there's anything we can do to help". nothing. Even my PCP (who I hate and have had tons of problems with when dealing with my thyroid) called me to touch base and say that she was sorry. I know if came across the OB's desk, right? They didn't deliver Isaac, because I had to go to the high risk guys at UVA. But still, they've been my OB's for the last 7 years. You would think they could give a courtesy call. That is the #1 reason that I don't want to go back to them. The high risk guys say that they can work something out so that I see each set of docs every other time, but it's my choice entirely. I don't know if I want to return to my original docs. The hospital here has a great birthing ward and for practical reasons, I'd like to deliver here. Obviously, driving an hour over the mountain to the new docs in the middle of winter could prove to be both impractical and dangerous. And having my house closeby during delivery for my family to crash, camp out (they rented a hotel for Isaac's birth) and watch my animals would be nice. But honestly, I'm pretty upset at the old docs for not being more responsive to my situation. I haven't seen them since the day that I found out about the positive quad screen test. Apparently they are so overloaded with patients that they can't even reach out for the patients they have who suffer something as traumatic as I did. There are no other doc options here in my small town (which sucks). So it's likely either the old docs or the high risk guys. I wish that the high risk docs could come here to deliver!

So that is the latest in the trials and tribulations of my pathetic life. Welcome back to me....it feels good to post!