And I was running...

So I ran for the first time since August on friday. It went pretty well. It felt so good to move and get the jitters out. I've been walking for the past four weeks. But nothing gets things moving like running. It's such a great stress relief and it feels so good to be sore. I think that I'm going to try to be more active next time around. I was active last time, but I think I'm going to try to swim more, etc. It's just such a big difference between running a triathlon in june and then turning around and doing zilch.

My aunt called yesterday. She had a still born baby at 38 weeks about 30 years ago. it was good to talk to her and get a little perspective after the fact. She says that she STILL thinks about that baby frequently. That makes me feel good that we won't forget Isaac so easily. That's one of my fears. Everything about him is still very vivid in my memory, I don't want to lose that. I'm glad that we have pictures, too. That helps to remind us. But I don't have any pictures of his hands or his ears. We were more worried about the big picture. Now I want to remember the details. Too late, I guess.

i was reading a blog yesterday that compared stillborn babies to shooting stars. They are here such a brief time, but their impact is great. It's true.

do you know what I hate?

my ass. I really packed it on while i was pregnant...whew. Now that I'm trying to lose it, I am just realizing. It's keeping me from my real jeans. Ugh.

I'm feeling much better the past few days. I'm entering acceptance, I think. I talked to my friend today and realized how far I have come in the last few weeks. I'm even starting to think more about conceiving the next one. That's a positive, right? I think it's a step toward recovery. It feels good to say that. Although I did see one of my prego friends this weekend, still envious. I'm not sure that's going to pass. As they get larger, so does my jealousy grow.

Oh yeah...

Also forgot to mention that I had ANOTHER sexual dream last night about a different man. This one was about an ex (whom I had the best sex of my life with) and we didn't have sex last night. But he was trying to kiss on me. I was trying to explain to him the difficulty of marriage - that it wasn't always easy, but it was a big deal. I was doing a bad job of that, but things didn't progress. Maybe it is time for me and DH to get busy....
Or maybe I am ovulating right now and am having fertile thoughts? I don't know what my body is doing. I am temping purely out of curiousity right now, we can't even have sex yet. But I guess my body doesn't know that.

It has been one month since Isaac was born. It's weird how that makes me happy and sad at the same time. My love for him makes me happy, our loss makes me sad.

Where have my marbles gone?

What is it they say...not the sharpest knife in the drawer, a few eggs short of a dozen, or that someone has lost their marbles? That's how I feel. I am losing it. I managed to park in a parking spot yesterday and walk into dinner without even noticing that I hadn't parked in a spot, but rather in the space of a driveway. I was blocking the driveway the entire way through dinner. I got a ticket and nearly got towed. Did I notice that there was no curb when I got out of the car? No. Did I notice that there were no signs next to my spot designating it as a two hour spot? No. Did I notice the driveway next to me when I was walking away. Of course, no. Because I seem to be walking around this world with my head squarely up my ass. What is wrong with me? I also managed to leave my dress clothes for dinner in my mom's car when she came up for lunch yesterday. She lives an hour away. So I went to dinner in sweat pants because I didn't have time to drive all the way home after work before dinner. Classy. I feel like every day things happen and I don't even notice. How long can I continue this cycle? I don't feel responsible enough to be at work. Peoples lives are in my hands, I should be paying attention!

My sister and I are going to disney world in April with my two nephews. I can't wait. I think that a vacation would be good for me. Maybe it will be torture to see all those kids, but I plan to lose myself like I'm a kid again in the fun. I hope it works.

You know, I really like therapy. I used it when my parents divorced, later when my father and I were working out our irreconcilable differences (we never did work them out), when my long term boyfriend and I broke up (we ended up mostly talking about my alcoholic father). Why NOT now? This is the most life altering event that I have ever experienced. It might be good for me. May need to talk to DH about this.

oh the drama

So, my husband and I have talked about going to therapy. I think I'm going to try to get through this on my own. Maybe that is a bad idea. But I'm going to give it a try. In some ways, I just want to be strong enough to put this behind me. In other ways, I never want to forget any of it. I feel very numb the past few days. Not just numb about our situation, but numb about life in general. I feel like I am going through the motions at work and in life. In some ways, I feel guilty that I don't care more about the kids at work or that I haven't thrown my entire heart back into it yet. But I don't know if I have that in me right now. Partly because I am not returning to my job after this school year. I am going to student teach in the fall (at least that was the plan we were following when we were pregnant). Isn't it funny how life works out? We haven't really changed the plan because I am at that point in my schooling. But I make a whole lot more money in the job that I am currently in. I like my job, but I hate the hours. Hopefully I will be pregnant in the fall and deliver just following student teaching. Then I will have until the following school year to be at home with the little one. Keep my fingers crossed here. But it is hard to be excited about what I"m doing when I'm counting down the days in the back of my head. Oh the quandry. What if we don't get pregnant? Then I'm going to be jobless next December and probably sorry that we ever even came up with this plan in the first place. Ugh.

So the weight loss is progressing....slowly. Don't you just wish that you could take a pill and it would all melt off? My mom says I look good, but I think that's her duty as my mom. Keep it comin'! Did I mention that she also brought me a sheet cake today? That's certainly not helping my efforts. God bless her. I've been through this once about two years before I ever got pregnant, I lost about 35 pounds. I kept it off until I finished my last triathlon and we started trying the next month. Sure, Holly, pack it on in preparation for pregnancy. I'm kicking myself now. We are eating at my favorite restaurant tonight for a banquet, I can't wait. See, that's the problem. My life revolves around my next meal. I think that's because mealtime is my only downtime at my job. It's going to be a real life changer to have a completely different job and schedule. As it is now, my husband works three floors above me. I have a relatively low key schedule while I'm at work, I just have to be here for long hours. But that means that my husband can pop in and see me or we can go work out together. That won't be happening in the fall. That's weird.

Do you ever think about what you will do differently next time you are pregnant? I wish I knew exactly what it was that I did to cause the amniotic sac to tear and cause the amniotic band syndrome. I would avoid whatever that is. But I do plan to be less stressed, eat more healthy, swim more, and do prenatal yoga from the beginning. That's for sure. I think it's going to be scary to be pregnant again...what if? You know? I can't imagine putting in the effort to get pregnant right now.

I'm exhausted. That's my biggest complaint. Everyone keeps asking how I'm feeling. Fine, really. But I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all day and night long. My wheels are spinning all day. Who knew that made someone so tired? No one really understands that. I have spurts of energy, but for the most part grieving is exhausting.

Survey this...

I'm not sure what it is, maybe I'm just irritable. But my friend just emailed me one of those stupid surveys. What's your shoe size, what's your favorite color, are you a summer or winter person...who the hell cares? She sends it to me like la de dah...nothing going on in her world. She'd love to fill out this stupid survey and send it back. I'm sort of offended by her sending it to me right now. Does she think I'm over it? Do I feel guilty for enjoying myself to read her answers and taking my time to respond? Maybe...but mostly it makes me mad.

I'm having a hard time with my weight. I only gained about nine pounds with pregnancy, which is fine. I've lost that nine pounds. But I let my weight slip slowly up the scale during the two months prior in preparation for pregnancy. now I need to lose it all, just to gain it back with the next one? I know that would be the best thing to do, lose it all and then start over. I'm a personal trainer, shame on me for ever letting it attach itself to my derrier. But after I finished my triathlon last summer, I couldn't force myself to run, bike or swim for a long time. It was agony. So now here I am, tubby as a whale and needing to lose about 15 pounds. Let me tell you how much fun that is. I'm starving. Luckily, while I'm trying to keep myself busy and preoccupied so that I don't think about our son, I can also preoccupy myself so that I don't think about food. At least I can kill two birds with one stone.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, I mentioned I'm reading the miscarriage book. I can't imagine that after all that we've been through that I could be pro-choice. I always used to say that I was pro-choice, but I couldn't make that choice. For myself, I am pro-life. Yet, I was forced to make the heartbreaking choice to induce my labor at 21 weeks. Does that make me guilty of abortion or some form of it? I think not. We made the decisions that we did for the future of my health and the dooming health of our unborn child. But I don't think that I could support a friend who did decide to have an abortion for an unplanned or unwanted child. That baby is a life from the point of conception. I'll feel that way forever.

Sex, sex, sex

This seems to be all my husband can think about....I could care less. I'm not sure what it is (probably the fact that we haven't done it in about a month). But even after I get the clearance from the doc, I guess that I just view it differently now. I don't have a problem that sex can lead to other babies (although I'm not quite there yet, either). But I feel disgusting right now and just not that sexual. He told me last night that his "biological clock" is ticking and he can't wait until we have another baby. I didn't even know that men heard their biological clocks. I am excited that he's excited for another one. But I'm afraid it's going to put a strain on our relationship. God guide me through this...

I had a great weekend with my mom and sister. It was nice to leave it all behind and go visit and spend money without concerns (okay, maybe I'm concerned about the checkbook). My mom gave me this book about miscarriages. It's a good book, if nothing else it validates the feelings that I'm having inside. But I have to say that I'm so glad that I didn't miscarry. So many women in this book have no closure because they never met their babies. They didn't know what happened to their babies and have so many unanswered questions. We got to meet our son and I'm just realizing how thankful I am for that. Not that I would choose to labor my child, but we were so torn with that decision (D&E vs. labor) and I think we made the right one.

There is a great section in the book about partners and friends of women who miscarry. It gave me some food for thought. I think that I have learned who are my true, real friends through this process. People have been great, so supportive. I appreciate that. I'm lucky, I guess.

time capsule

I'm not sure what the purpose of this is, but everyone seems to come to the general consensus that you get two weeks to deal with all of this. Note, it's been three and I'm still not over it. I don't know if it's because I'm back at work and generally going through the motions of life, or what. But people seem to brush the loss of our child off like it's no biggie. Wrong. It's like I have a two week window to get over it. That two weeks are up now, move on... no, I don't think so. I think it's so disturbing.

Speaking of time, I've realized that if I do get pregnant again when we start trying in April, I will have spent the majority of the last year and a half as a pregnant woman. That's enough to get on anyone's nerves. At what point do you put life on hold in order to have a child? I guess at this point, we are. Ugh.

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was so real and vivid. It was a sexual dream about someone who I know that is ten years younger. It was VERY sexual and VERY good. If I knew that I could go back to that dream every night and feel that satisfied, that wouldn't be bad. But the worst thing is, I woke up and even in the dream felt SO, SO, SO guilty because my husband was right there. In the dream I didn't stay in our bed, I stayed in the other guy's bed until 6:50am. At that point, I snuck back into our bed and tried to lie about it. The guilt! I dreamt about another man (who by the way, I am completely not attracted to) while sleeping in the same bed as my husband. How bad is that??

So I just need to put it down

I lied....I do need to share this with the world. Apparently my husband and I have very differing views on heaven. It's strange that I know this, mostly because I never thought my husband and I would be travelling down this hellish nightmare we are living through. But apparently he thinks that everyone in heaven is the same age. I think this is weird because it's hard to picture our 21 week old in utero baby chillin' with my 91 year old grandpa at the same age. Apparently my husband sees the people in heaven as spirits. I definately see the people in heaven at the same age that they passed on this earth. Somehow, it gives me comfort to think that my grandpa and my aunt and our friend Kristen, who have all passed, will watch over Isaac in heaven. Random, yet a big congingent point in discussion with DH over what is happenign with our baby.

You know, I thought the dreams would stop after pregnancy was over. I was never much of a dreamer before. Last night I couldn't remember the name of our baby in my dream. I was having a lengthy conversation with my sister about him, but couldn't place his name to my lips. I think that's funny, because during the day I can't stop thinking about him. Two nights ago, my OB was forcing me to go back on BCP. Why? I don't know, but I was pissed. He then provided me with a new wedding dress (it was blue) to wear when DH and I got re-married to wash away all the bad stuff. What does all this mean?

The funny thing about the delivery was that I don't really remember parts of it very well. Maybe that was because of the pain or maybe it was the narcotics that the doctors were pumping into me. But I barely remember tha part where the chaplain came in to bless Isaac. I can't really remember where my husband was during the delivery. He assures me that he was on my right side, holding my hand. But I have no recollection. There are other parts of the delivery that I will never forget. Namely the part where my husband was weeping over the tiny body of our baby. Or Isaac's feet. I'll never forget the calm that I felt after it was all said and done. I wouldn't have done anything differently...aside from keep him alive. There are no questions about whether he would have made it outside the womb. He wouldn't have.'

My husband just stares at me sometimes when I"m crying. It's like he wants to help me by saying or doing something to make me feel better. That's not going to happen...I just need to cry and let time pass. My mom is having a hard time with this. I"m surprised about how the grief has overtaken her. Who knew she felt such a connection to me? Of course she did, she's my mom. That's what being a mom is all about. I hope I get to experience that for real one day.

what the ??

So I just wrote down all these profound thoughts in my prevous post and then published and it's not appearing? WTF?? I'm pissed because it felt really good to write it, probably woudl have felt good to read it. Ugh. I'm not about to write that again, just so people can read it.

Heaven...

A whole new world

So, I've just stumbled upon the world of blogging. I had no idea this whole thing existed, mostly because I am a computer idiot. But this style of venting is just what I needed. I am caught in limbo between just having a stillborn child and being ready to conceive again. My own personal conquest here, but this gives me a place to vent. I am a frequent visitor of the FF site, but just can't really find a place there. No, I am not TTC #1, nor am I really TTC #2 at this point. I am not TTC at all, I'm just trying to get over and sort through the feelings I have about the child that I lost 2 1/2 weeks ago. I can't even bring myself to visit the pregnancy site, they really make me sick right now. Alghough, I did stumble upon this site from FF.

Right now I have all of these angry feelings inside and nowhere to put them down. My husband would be apalled if he knew what went through my head sometimes. I have read other posters on this site and can completely identify. Pregnant women and babies make me sick right now. I can't help but feel cheated and just generally pissed at the world. Why the fuck did I have to lose my child? What is different about me and my husband that makes our baby not able to survive? I just don't get it.

You know that people say the stupidest things. "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's just nature's way of taking care of unhealthy babies". yeah, well kiss my ass. I hate it when people say "It happens to everyone"...really? Does everyone deliver and bury their baby all in the same day? Have they ever held their baby who weighed 13 oz and never had a chance at life? Maybe, but I don't want to hear about it. I know they're just trying to make me feel better. But it doesn't. I don't feel like anyone can understand what I'm going through. Sometimes even my husband is overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings.

Don't get me started on pregnant people, God bless them. Three of my closest friends are pregnant and due within two weeks of my due date. Come June I'm going to be cussing them. I already gave all of my maternity clothes to one of them. Now I'm pissed that I don't need them. I know they can't help that they are healthy and carrying their baby to term. but I can't stand to look at them. I can't even think about being one of them right now.

Why don't the doctors just be honest with you? I wish that I had my own personal doc on call, who could answer my questions whenever they arise. It seems like whenever we are at the doctor's office, I can never think of anything to ask. Only to be laying in bed that night and not be able to sleep because of all the questions. Ugh.