Sick Kitty...poor Tino is in the hospital. They think he might have kidney stones. :(  

Six Months

It's amazing it has been this long since we lost Isaac. We lost him in January. I never thought I would make it to this point. I have to say that I have come a long way, many thanks to you all for getting me this far. I still have so far to go.

This week, I can't help but think of the way that my life would have been if Isaac were actually here. He would have been nearly seven weeks old or so. Our lives would be so different and we would be getting to know our new little boy each day. I can't help but think of all of the should have or would have beens. Not just now or tomorrow, but we will miss him laughing for the first time, riding his bike for the first time, making his first basket, meeting his future wife for the first time, and as Laura has brought to my attention we are also going to miss his children. That makes me sad.

I don't know what else to say, except that I miss him.

Rushed

In my rush, I forgot to post about the subject of my last entry. Isaac's tree is going to live. I couldn't be happier. There are all sorts of new buds and leaves forming, it's sort of cool. I've been watering the hell out of it and even fertilized it yesterday. I'm so, so happy.

The tree lives!

So, I've been feeling so overwhelmed with my frustration and feelings about everything that I haven't been able to bring myself to blog. Imagine, this is where I come to get my frustrations out. But I feel like a hamster on a running wheel right now. The gist of the happenings in the past few days:

*My nine year old nephew came up to visit last week. Very fun, nice distraction. But I was exhausted following his visit. We did all sorts of fun stuff, including going to the pool, playing golf at the driving/putting range, going to the pet store, swimming with the dog at the river, playing pool at the student commons (here at the university where I used to work), playing game cube, etc. Anyway, it was great to connect with him. I get the five year old nephew in a few weeks...but only for a few days. he's much more of a handful.

*I took a standardized test for teachers on Saturday...which was a complete waste of time. This is a test to assess new teacher's ability to assess reading. The test is so new that there are no baseline scores established yet. So, basically I paid $105 to be a guinea pig. On a good note, it doesn't really matter whether I passed or not. But in addition to entertaining my nephew, I also scrambled to get myself prepared for the test for which there are no study materials. Interesting...

*I took a shot in the dark and went to my PCP on friday. I was trying to convince her to be my advocate in this whole TTC thing. I just feel so put off by all of my docs, I was thinking that she might feel a little sympathy for me. Wrong. I hated her to begin with (she misdiagnosed my hypothyroid a few years ago). But I thought I would try to play the sympathy card and get what I wanted out of the deal. She told me that maybe I should be less regimented - put away the thermometer and relax. She also asked me how the grieving process was going. She doesn't think that I've given myself enough time. Sure, when we started TTC in March, we weren't really that ready emotionally. I also didn't really think that I would get pregnant then. There is also something to be said about the nine months that you will carry that next baby. That is all time in the bucket that helps you get ready for the next one and grieve the lost one. I told her that I didn't know if there would ever be a day that I would not think about Isaac. I told her that if those were my guidelines, then I should never get pregnant. I am very sad, I do wish he was here with us. That won't change, whether we get pregnant again or not. So, does that make me ready to try for another? I have no idea. I just know that I really want this, need this to happen. She didn't get it. She also told me that my and my husband being a healthy reproductive age did not alarm her. She saw no reason to intervene in the TTC process. Funny thing, when I left her office she had agreed to allow me to go on progesterone. I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, so I wasn't surprised when I got home to find a message on my answering machine telling me that she wasn't comfortable with the procedure and that I should go see an RE. Go fucking figure, she was more than happy to accept my money, though.

Anyway, I'm basically back to square one. The general consensus is that I need to see an RE - I have an appointment at the end of August. I was thankful to get in so soon, yet that is just one or two more cycles that are down the drain. We haven't given up entirely...we are still monitoring things and BD at the right times. But I tried to relinquish the control and put away the thermometer - just to mix it up. No good. I couldn't stand it. I only lasted for two days. I just hate not knowing where I am in my cycle - of course I gave up temping on two pretty key days of my cycle. Forget that, every day is a key day. You see temping, it's a vicious cycle. Now that I'm so nervous about the outcome of the temping, I get myself all worked up. I have bad dreams, don't sleep well, and likely that all throws off my temp anyway. You just can't win. But this entire situation has been the source of my frustration. I just feel like I'm in a race against the clock. I'm ready to be pregnant now...how do you explain that to someone? My doc surely didn't understand. She just stared at me blankly. I need this. I am ready for the next chapter, God please let something happen soon.

*I have a hell of a week in front of me. It's funny, I am now unemployed. Yet, I am busier than ever. I just have all of this work to do for my classes this summer and it's overwhelming me. My history class will be over this week, thank goodness. My final class is tomorrow, review session on wednesday, test on thursday. My mom is trying to come up for a visit on Wednesday. I also have a marathon vet session on wednesday morning, as all four of my animals need to see the vet. Ugh...I'll need a shower after that one. The summer program that I am working for is ending this week, so we have our final banquet on thursday night. I'm also trying to interview one of my teacher friends this week for an assignment that I have due. It's all just this busy work that I don't want to do. I just want to veg and send positive vibes to my uterus.

blahg

I have been so blah, I haven't even posted. I'm not sure what the dilly is, I think I'm down in the dumps about no pg. I honestly think that there is something wrong with my LP. I have had several others remark on the state of affairs of my menstrual cycle. Finally, I have woke up to smell the coffee. I'm not sure if my LP is long enough to support a baby...maybe that's why we haven't gotten pg. Anyway, I have been emailing my endo, begging for help. She turned me away to her partner - thanks a lot by the way. She is the one doc who I thought I could count on. So much for that. I have been on the phone trying to get an appt. - August 26. I'm actually surprised that I got one so soon. I hope to be pg by then, anyway. Let's see what I can do in the next few months. I don't know, I just feel so frustrated by the whole medical system. The thing is that I live in a really small town. The nearest doc of any sort is an hour away. The best sets of docs are at one of the major hospitals in the state (an hour away - where I delivered Isaac). It takes forever to get things done there. I just feel like I'm on a schedule, we have already wasted the last four months by not getting pregnant. We have made so many changes in our lives - I quit my job, went back to school, changed careers...all for the family we were supposed to have had by now. It all feels like a bust. If we aren't pregnant soon and don't have a baby by next spring/early summer, that will make me out of the work force for part of next school year too. Who will hire me as a teacher if I'm going to be delivering a baby or on maternity leave at the beginning of the year. It's all just so messed up. I was supposed to have had a baby in June of this summer, I'm supposed to be on maternity leave now. I wasn't supposed to student teach until the spring, leaving me all the time in the fall to be with my baby boy. Out the window, forget it, done. No baby, now no job, no real plan. We may not even be pregnant by then. Sheez, I feel like a failure. And being passed from doc to doc is not helping the matter. I don't know, I guess I just need to vent. I just wish that I could order the tests that I need and prescribe myself the meds that I need to get straightened out. Sometimes I feel too educated about this stuff for my own good. Ugh.

On a lighter note, I have had my nine year old nephew visiting this whole week. It's been a fun distraction, and I've gotten lots of pool time. It's nice to have visitors...makes the time go faster.

Aunt Flow is a bitch

I mean it. I hate her. It's officially CD 1 and she has shown her face with a vengeance. Actually, it's more the cramps than anything. I just feel crappy. I was hoping I might just be wrong and that I could still be pregnant. I'm thinking no now.

I am also devastated...the tree that we planted for Isaac has been eaten by Japanese Beatles. Damn the Japanese beatles! There are only two branches that haven't been affected yet. It's bare. I don't think it's going to make it. It just figures.

No F-ing Way

Did you see this? MB, I know you are going to puke. I wonder if her mom dressed her trashy when she was little. Lauralu - Britney is going to be one of those moms! She has gone too far.

WTF??

Fertility friend logged me out and now says that my account won't log me in? Any idea what could have happened? I am freaking out.

Pretty sure I'm out

Temp took a nose dive today to 97.74. I'm bummed. No AF yet, but I'm pretty sure she's on her way. Temps don't usually take a dive like that if you are pg.

What is it I should say to my doc on my August 1 appointment? I need some sort of help here. I don't think she'll agree to anything aggressive (not sure I really need that), but would possibly be open to a little nudge in the right direction. For those of you who used progesterone cream, how does that work? How did you convince the doc to let you use that? I'll be ovulating when I see her. I'm an idiot when it comes to these things...please help!

Going nuts

I am going crazy. Do you ever wish that you could fast forward time? That is where I'm at right now. I am dying to know if this is it...are we pg? I lightly spotted yesterday and the night before...which could mean that there was implantation. It could also mean that AF is on her way. FF says possible implantation, but what do they know? There was a dip on 6DPO, but I've had temp dips before. My temp was lower this morning, which could mean that it's on it's way down. But I had so much anxiety about temping this morning and what it might say, that I didn't sleep well last night at all. I kept waking up all night long and looking at the clock. I sort of felt like I was laying there with my eyes closed all night, rather than sleeping. It doesn't help that DH is out of town right now, I never sleep as well when he's not there. Funny, you would think it would be the other way around. Ugh.

Funny thing...there is a group of inner city kids on campus right now for an enrichment program. Yesterday, they were at the pool and I was lifeguarding (doing this to make a little extra $$ on the side). One little girl was swimming in front of me and she saw my wedding ring. the conversation went like this:
Little girl: "Are you getting married?"
Me: "I'm already married."
Little girl: "How old are you?"
Me: "I'm 29."
Little girl: "Wow, you're young."
Me (surprised she called me young): "Yes, I am young."
Little girl: "Just don't get pregnant."
Then she swam away. I was floored. Why would she say that? Was it a message from God? Had someone else told her that or told someone in her family that? You see, little girl, that is exactly the goal. As a matter of fact, I hope I am pregnant right now. It was just sort of surreal.

Ramblings

After a couple of days of serious posting, I feel like I should lighten up a bit. Dh and I had a great weekend. We had date night on friday night - went to the driving range and putting green to hit balls. Then, we went out to dinner and took the dog on a walk when we got home. In bed by 10...boy are we exciting. On saturday, some of our friends came into town for another friend's bridal shower. It was great to see them, the shower was nice. We had the best time just visiting with them and reminiscing. Sunday, we got up early and took the dog swimming in the river. Overall, great weekend.

As for the TTC, I don't think I'm pregnant. I'm not sure why, I just don't feel like it. I'm trying to remember if I felt like it last time at this point...I don't remember. I do know that when I tested last time at 13DPO, I knew that I would be pg. Now I have no idea. Of course, I will probably know by Friday...at least I won't have to wait long. Maybe now that I've said that I don't think I'm pregnant, I will be. That's what happened to you, Roxanne, right? Keep your fingers crossed.

Okay, I need to get home to walk the dog. Thanks again for your support.

The weight of guilt

First, I have to thank you all for the overwhelming support. I was a little afraid to open my blog today, for fear that I would have a number of entries from people who did not support our decision. I'm not asking you to support it, I guess just understand it and forgive me for any misgivings you may have about our decisions. I do feel like I should clarify, our son suffered from Amniotic Band Syndrome (not Trisomy 13). But the devastating results of this condition to our son's face and head resulted in similar results to Trisomy 13. In fact, he looked similar to some Trisomy 13 babies. Amniotic Band Syndrome results from a tear in the amniotic sac, when that sac scars over the baby can get caught in the scar tissue. Some babies get hands or feet caught (a common cause of club foot), our baby's head and face were caught in the scar tissue. This resulted in severe brain abnormalities, anencephaly, and severe cleft palate. The fingers of our baby were also deformed. If you google it, they really only talk about or have pictures of the babies who make it - this dissapointed me, as I needed info in the beginning. I now have my own pictures and images of the effects in my memory. The tear in the amniotic sac can result from anything as simple as standing up from a chair or as harsh as a car accident. I have no recollection of what happened or when it happened, but it likely happened early in pregnancy around the time that the brain and face were developing. In retrospect, I'm surprised and thankfult that he hung on as long as he did. The docs say that he was functioning off the umbilical cord and when he got too big, that would not suffice anymore. As for the delivery, the docs and the hospital were great. We had as much time as we wanted with him, I just wish that he could have been a healthy baby and that we could have brought him home. I'm so thankful for the little time that we did have. I love that little boy with everything that I have in me, I'm so heartbroken.

I would also like to thank you for allowing me to talk freely about this now, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I apologize for not including such crucial details earlier. It's sort of a coping mechanism, like I said "my dirty little secret". DH and I talk about it daily, realizing that we made the right decision. It's hard not to get caught up in the should have, would have, could haves. We have to be careful. Honestly, I think that we made the right decision. With the information that we had, had I chosen to carry to full term I would have been a basket case. Awaiting the impending death and events that lay ahead would have been very difficult.

But to include such vivid, harsh details about the son that you love so deeply and made such a difficult choice for was something that I was not ready for. Not only that, but I have had many who don't agree and share their opinions with me. Or they act like it is not a loss and I can't stand that. We lost our son, we did not choose for him to develop such difficulties. We did choose his passing on our terms. I don't know, there are and were so many what ifs. We discussed the what ifs into the ground before making our decision. We decided that if the doctor told us that there was any glimmer of hope that our son could function in life that we would not induce. We just wanted our child to be able to have emotion, any language skills. We did not want to bear a son who stood only a chance at laying in a bed on feeding and breathing tubes as his life. We did not want our child to have to endure any pain at such a tender age. The doctor could see on ultrasound that Isaac's brain and face were severely affected. As I said before, they struggled to find any structures in the brain that were recognizable. This made up our minds.

Now we are left with the guilt of knowing that we chose the fate of our son. We are left mourning his abscence. I see what our child would be in the eyes and faces of most little kids - a ghost as Justin put it. It haunts me. I know that all of you didn't make the same decision that we did, the decision was made for you. I'm sorry for that. I guess the way that I look at it is that we just played our hand before our creator did it for us. I hope you understand where we come from too.

So, now I will continue on this journey of motherhood. We will continue to try to conceive a sibling for Isaac. We plan to share his memory and tell his story to them one day - part of me dreads this, part of me can't wait to share him with them. I know that he will live on in our hearts and hope that his spirit will be carried in some ways by his brothers or sisters.

My dirty little secret

The recent events over on Roxanne's blog have led me to wonder...have I been deceiving you? I guess that if by definition that omission of specific facts is deception; then yes, I have led you astray. The truth is that I have never truly spoken in this blog of the one thing that is always weighing on my mind. in January, my husband and I made the heart breaking choice to terminate our pregnancy. I hate that word...terminate. I like to think of it as induction or delivery, the truth is that we made the choice to end the life of our child. This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but please keep reading. It has become clear that in reading the comments on A Different Child, that those of you with a natural loss view this as different. Somehow, I fit into my own category. I guess that technically that is true. In your eyes, I may not have lost my baby, I chose his destiny. I guess this is why I have omitted it up until this time. In my experience since this has all happened to us, I have realized that people tend to judge you before they know the whole story. As a result, we chose to just tell people in our lives that we "lost" the baby. No description attached, really not many questions asked or answered. It was easier that way, and my husband and I were left to wrestle with our inner demons and guilt on our own.

We made the decision to induce labor at 20 weeks, 5 days. But the truth is that we made that decision out of love. We had the standard quad screen test done at 16 1/2 weeks, got the positive results for a neural tube defect during our 17th week. We went to UVA for a level II ultrasound - honestly the best 90 minutes of my life were during that ultrasound. We innocently and naively watched our baby move and kick, we fell in love. We gushed about how he looked and what he was going to be one day. Only to be told at the end of the ultrasound by the high risk doc that the cleft palate that our son suffered from was the least of our concerns. They originally thought he suffered from Trisomy 13. I'm not sure what you know about Trisomy 13, but if you google it, you can imagine our devastation. It seems that during the ultrasound, the doctors discovered that Isaac was missing half of his brain (anencephaly) and the half that he did have was so scrambled that the doc and technician couldn't find anything recognizable. This was difficult to hear because to me he looked perfect. I am in the field of orthopedics, what I know is muscles and bones. I've taken gross anatomy, I know what the body is supposed to look like. He had long legs and arms, a perfect little beating heart. His kidneys and spine all looked great. We had a hard time seeing his face on ultrasound, but the docs could tell that there were abnormalities. Of course, I am not familiar with what a brain is supposed to look like on ultrasound. I had no idea that anything was wrong. After the doctor talked to us, he advised we get an amnio. We did the procedure right away. A week later 18.5 weeks of pregnancy, the results came back normal. Our baby did not have a chromosome deformity, so the question is what was wrong with him? I hoped nothing. We went back during our 19th week for another level II ultrasound. This time, the baby's head was in a better position and we could see the face...the docs could also get a better view of the brain. It's weird, but this ultrasound gave us one more time to see our baby alive and in some ways to say goodbye to him. The results were not good, the brain condition was as bad or worse than they had thought two weeks before, he had severe cleft palate. His eyes were offset, he was missing a nasal bone and complete upper lip. The part of his brain that was affected was his entire cerebral coretex. He would be incapable of language understanding and development, he would be incapable of emotion, he would have no motor skills. He could be a vegetable. The prognosis was not good.

The doctors said that we could choose to try to carry the baby to term, but that the baby would not improve. Not only that, but the baby would likely self-abort before full term. If the baby was born, he would only live for a few minutes or hours; he would likely be in pain. So, let me stop and ask you right now, what would you do? Given that all you had dreamed and hoped for your baby had been shattered, would you carry your baby to term? We chose to induce labor. Out of love for this child, we knew that we had to make the difficult decision for the future of our child. We actually made the decision to induce over D&E so that an autopsy could be performed. I dreaded nothing more than delivering my dead son and having to hold him in that condition. Honestly, I feared what he would look like. I had seen the pictures of Trisomy 13 online, I am a very visual person. I feared that his image would be a negative impact.

Now, after delivering him, I know that he was perfect. I will never second guess the decision that we made. We were able to meet him, hold him, name him, spend time with him, have him blessed. It allowed my husband to bond with a son that he had little connection with up until that time - it's hard for the husbands early in pregnancy. We kept him for over four hours. My mom, DH's dad, and my sister all got to hold him. He was blessed by the chaplain. He was deformed, yes. I now know that he never would have made it in life. I'm at peace with our decision to let him be born in a way that we were able to come to terms with. He died at peace, a very much loved little boy. Does that make the decision any easier? no. Do I have regrets? Yes, I wish that I had a healthy little boy now. Do I rethink all that happened each and every day? Yes.

I guess that I write this to clear the air. Roxanne, I know that you didn't mean to offend me. It wasn't you who offended me, I just needed to say my piece to everyone out there. They needed to hear the story from this side of the fence. I'm not mad, actually I'm glad to have this opportunity to share. If any of you judge me for the decisions we have made, I'm sorry for you. We lost our little boy, I feel that emptiness every day...there is no denying that. The gates are open, feel free to ask me any questions you have about this. I have cleared the air and would prefer that you ask questions, rather than judge me.

God is bowling

It's thundering outside - have you ever heard that about thunder? I can't help but think that Isaac is up in heaven having the time of his life. Surely, he's bowling and I hope he got his father's ability. I suck at bowling, but love to do it. DH and I both love to go bowling and just chill out. No, we are not the friday night league types of people. Just every now and again for fun. Anyway, I hope that Isaac is having fun. This brings a smile to my face. Also, the tree that we planted for Isaac on his EDD has one branch that is growing downward. The entire rest of the tree's branches are facing up. I think this is Isaac misbehaving. It sounds silly, I know. But throw me a bone here. I'm trying to be lighthearted.

My friend had her baby, it's a boy. She had him yesterday. I'm happy for them. But this has led to deep discussions with my other friend (who is a mutual friend between the new parents and my DH and I) about our whole ordeal in January. She said that she and also my friend who just had her baby had no idea what to say to me. It sort of freaked them out, my pg friend even felt guilty for being pregnant. This all dissapoints me. Now I feel like a leper - freak - whatever you want to say. I really thought my pg friend was being supportive and I was actually thankful that she was being such a supportive friend. Now I know that she was freaked out the whole time. Likely, she was just pretending to be a good friend the whole time. I don't know. I mean, I did know that most people were freaked out and didn't know what to say. But I confided in this friend, talked about the nitty gritty details with her. Somehow, now I feel betrayed or something. Clearly, they have all been discussing the fact that they didn't know what to say. I just feel like it's all been a show for us. Ugh. It just makes me wish that we had never gone through this. Some people were so amazing. I guess now I will know how to act when a friend has something difficult in their lives. I will always treat them with sincerity.

On the TTC front, I have no idea what is going on. We'll know more tomorrow morning after I temp. I think that I O'd yesterday, although FF gave me an O date of Friday. If I did O yesterday, that means it was CD 19. WTF? Last month it was CD 10. I guess that's a question for the doc. I just hope it doesn't affect the chances of our getting pg. At any rate, I think we timed everything well. We've been like bunnies the past few weeks.

Alright, I'm out. I have to go to history class.

Lookin' to smoke an O

Ovulation that is, not orgasm. Your minds are in the gutters! I have no clue what my body is doing. I had a nice temp spike yesterday, in conjunction with EWCM and cramps. I thought for sure it was O, only to have my temp level back out to where it was before. But now EWCM is all dried up and I'm just sure that I O'd yesterday. So frustrating...although the sex hasn't been too bad. I can't complain.

It's been a lazy weekend here, I'm enjoying our summer schedule. I'm officially unemployed now, which means that I am free to do as I please. I enjoy this freedom. Come August 18, I will begin student teaching. Probably by then, I will welcome the regular schedule. For today, DH and I went golfing, tomorrow we are taking the dog to the river. Can't wait. I love the water and I love the sun. I need to soak it all up now, fall will be here before I know it. I have the amazing ability to zone out and weeks go by at a time before I realize it. I have a few things planned to make the time go by faster, visits from my nephews and sisters, get togethers with friends, etc. Not that I need time to go faster, it's just that if I'm busy I think less about Isaac. Not that I want to think less about Isaac, I just feel like I should be doing other things by this point.

What Isaac sent to me today: a field full of weeds that were blooming pretty purple flowers. They were beautiful. Who knew weeds could be so pretty?

My best friend thinks she might be pregnant - she's only been off the pill for a month. Go figure. It may be a false alarm, when I talked to her on friday the pg test was negative. She would have been about 14DPO at the time. She's out of town and not close to a convenience store, I guess we'll know more tomorrow. This is where I'm torn. I love my friend, I want them to be happy, I want them to have a family. But I want to have a family first, damnit. I am meant to be pregnant before her (which I was), but I'm also meant to have a child before her. I'm the person that inspired her to have kids at this time. Ugh. This is my luck. In all truth, I hope that she IS pregnant, but that I am pregnant too. That way, we can share the experience together. Of course, I don't plan to tell anyone that I were pregnant (that is if I'm pregnant) until it's so blatently obvious that there's no denying it. Just to be on the safe side.

I made an OB appointment. I was due for papsmear in June and was hoping to hold off and just get the prenatal/pap done at one time. But I would need to be pregnant to do that (and I am not just yet), so I gave in and made the appointment. I decided to stick with the same docs who delivered Isaac.
Cons to staying with the same docs: they are an hour away, it is a learning hospital and people younger than me could potentially deliver my baby.
Pros: They are a high risk doctor group, they have a neonatal ICU (if needed), they have a Level II US and aren't afraid to use it, they followed up after I delivered the baby (my regular OB did NOT), I love the attending physicians in the group, I like one of the residents (the woman who actually was paying attention when Isaac arrived), they are at one of the top 5 hospitals in the nation. I think I made the right choice, I actually tried to make a doctors appointment with a different doc (who would be closer). Like three different things went wrong when I was making the appointment - it was with the man doc and I wanted the woman doc, their office had moved and the written directions weren't on line, then the doc that I made the appointment with had to cancel and I was going to see a different man doctor. I took it as a sign from God, I was to follow my gut and make the appointment with the doc at UVA. So, I did and I feel so much better about it now.
I also made an appointment with my endocrinologist for September. I figure that if I'm not pregnant by my OB appointment in August, I'll try to talk to them about help getting pg. If they turn me down, I'll try to hit up my endo in September for help.