The calf is dead and my heart is broken. I am so sad, honestly. I have been so depressed since yesterday when I returned home to see the baby calf lying on it's side. It hasn't moved. The mom has been standing post for the last few days beside the calf. Now she stands there and looks out at the road like "Please someone help me". Last night, she was nudging the calf to try to get it to get up. I'm not sure why I feel such a connection to this story of the cows. I think it's because of the parallels between this mom and I. I feel like I'm standing by the road thinking "Please someone help me" too. I've witnessed the motherly instincts of this cow and feel the same sort of instincts. Mostly, I just feel so bad because I know what I'm feeling. I know how empty and sad and helpless I am inside. I assume that this cow feels the same thing. This isn't to say that cows have organized thoughts, it's just that I can see the same desperation and sadness in the eyes of this cow. Of course, I am also sad for the loss of the life of the calf. I'm sure calves die all the time and I never know it. It's just that I have witnessed the entire event and feel a connection to the story of mother and baby.
I've had a heavy heart this weekend. I'm not sure if it's because I've talked to a few people this week that I haven't talked to since Isaac was born, or what. But I feel like I've regressed a little bit. The reality that we have lost our son and that we have to start all over with trying is overwhelming. All of my friends who are pregnant continue on their adventure into motherhood. My journey has stopped cold and I feel empty. Also, I feel like DH and I are handling this thing very differently. I should say that I know we are. We had a long talk last weekend about our feelings and where we stand with everything. It was good to hear his thoughts and feelings about Isaac and our loss. Also how he feels about trying again and what we need to do to help each other through this. It was great to be on the same page for a few minutes. But now I'm back to the reality that he has moved through his grief much faster than I have. I still linger on the little things and can't seem to get over them. I don't want to forget Isaac and therefore won't let myself let go. I'm not saying that he has forgotten Isaac by letting go a little. I just fear that I will forget if I move on. Part of me wants to get pregnant again so badly. I'm not sure why, I just think that will help me to feel hopeful and happier inside. But another part of me second guesses the decision to try again so soon in order to let my heart heal some more. I also fear that we won't get pregnant right away. Then we are faced with the stress of trying on top of the stress we are already carrying with our grief. It's just that we got pregnant right away last time. I just hope that my body is ready this time, too.
Okay, now I am rambling. I'm sure I'll be back for more later. My thoughts obviously aren't resolved and are in pieces. I just need to sort a little bit more.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear about the calf. I can see the similarites between the mama cow and how you're feeling - it's actually amazing.
There are so many thoughts racing through my head that I see you write and I think "Gee, I'm really not alone". It's a nice feeling. My dh and I are also healing different and we're at different stages of this journey. But we've agreed to disagree. How we handle things is each our own way and that's okay. Sometimes it's hard but it's just how it is.
I, too, am starting my TTC journey next month. I'm nervous, terrified, excited, anxious...and most of all, afraid we won't get pregnant quickly again. There are so many emotions. They're all over the place.
I wish you lots of luck and read your journal here every day. Please remember you're not alone. I'm on a similar journey too and feel free to email me anytime!
I'm hoping GREAT things for you and sending baby dust your way.
I'm sorry that the little calf died. That is very sad. I understand why you would feel sorry for the mama cow. Life is cruel....to cows and to people too. I relate to a lot of what you wrote in this post. I definitely think that women and men process this differently. Marc has tried to be really strong for me, but then sometimes I see how bad it hurts him too. I think men just hide it better. They try to be strong for us.
The trying again is really hard. I cannot pretend that it's not. Obviously. I know you read my blog and all my weirdness. It is really awful to have to start the whole process over, especially because it was so easy and joyful last time. it's like rubbing salt in my wounds now that it seems harder and out of desperation. I really try to fight against that, but it is really hard.
I really hope that it happens for you quickly. It would only be justice, but as we know so well, the world is not always just.
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