Don't make me say it

Isaac is dead. My son died. Our son is dead. This is the first time that I have written it. I still can't bring myself to say it out loud. Why is that? I think it's because if I put it out there into the world, then I have to completely accept it. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty clear to me that I'm no longer with child. The reality that we are never going to get to know that little boy is all too clear. But if I said the statement above, it's sort of like when you're a little kid saying a cus word for the first time. You say it, then look around to see who heard you. I don't want to say it out loud. The raw sound of those words assembled into the same sentence is difficult for me to swallow. I tell people, "We lost the baby". That way, I don't have to give them the gory details or reveal my true emotions. Usually when I say that, people have no idea how to respond. They don't ask questions. I prefer that. Out of everyone that we told this phrase to (that is outside of our very close friends/family who have been our ultimate support system), only one has asked for any details. In some ways, I'm relieved. In other ways it makes me feel like it's not a big deal to them. They hear the words and move on. Sure, they send a card. But if they ask questions, that makes them REALLY get involved. It makes them realize that a baby has died and no one wants to think of that. The problem is that I don't get to move on, I don't get to act like it's no big deal. It's the biggest thing in my life.

I'm trying to see Isaac in the little things every day. The author of the book I'm reading, Life Touches Life, does this in her every day life. She swears that she can feel her child with her at times. I love this woman's perspective. It's really made me think of Isaac differently. Instead of praying only to God to get to him and ask God to protect him, I talk to Isaac directly. I like the thought that he is right here with us in our every day lives. He may talk to me through the warmth of the sunshine or the fresh smell of the air. At least that's how I plan to view it from now on. Then, I WILL stop and smell the roses. Isaac may make them smell extra nice for me, just to bring a smile to my face.

My friend sent me this article today from the Washington Post. There is some interesting stuff in there. the guy also wrote a book, Coming to Term that was out in January. It's funny that my friend sent this to me because I was just eyeing the book in Barnes and Noble on Monday. Maybe I'll have to pick it up now.