To Disney we will go

I don't know what the deal is, but time is flying. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just going through the motions or what. Sometimes I feel like I'm going in slow motion and I'm just watching the world go by me. It's not that I'm thinking about Isaac the whole time, it's just that I'm not quite all THERE. You know? Sometimes, I reach out and grab someone or something as it's whizzing by me and I get it. I make a connection with what is really going on around me. But time is literally happening and I'm not paying attention. I think it's my own form of grief. No, I'm not sitting around crying every day now. But I am still not quite right or the same as I was before. Is this who I'm going to be from now on? The aloof girl that's not paying attention to anything that's going on around her? Nearly every week, I look around me and realize that it's thursday. Where did Tuesday and Wednesday go? I have no idea because I was spacing out in every aspect of my life. I get to work on time and I work out and I cover practices in the afternoon and I get home to make dinner. My husband and I watch Law and Order every night and chit chat before bed. But it all happens without me really realizing or retaining much of it. That's sad. Case in point, I am leaving for Disney World on Tuesday. I just realized this. Sure, I've talked about the details to my sister. We've talked about how excited we are. I've arranged to take my history test early, so that we can leave earlier in the week. But I just realized that in five days, I'm going on vacation. Isn't that weird? I barely even noticed. This is exactly what I need right now - to get away from it all and zone out in the magical world of Disney. But typically, I would have had some sort of count down going and planning events. Nope, none of that. Of course now that I remembered, I'm excited. It just worries me that I don't pay attention. What else am I missing out on? I do feel like I'm working very hard to maintain a good connection and communication with DH. That's good, because it might go to shit if I didn't do something to help it out. Maybe that's why people sometimes have marriage problems after the loss of a child. The wife or husband wasn't paying attention and giving the relationship the care and nurturing that it needed. Food for thought...

I hate my job. I'm leaving the job at the end of this school year and I honestly can't wait. I have two plans: open a bagel shop or student teach. Either way, I won't be working here for much longer. It's just that the job sucks me dry. It pulls every bit of energy from me (maybe that's why I'm in lala land), so that I don't have time for anythign else. I work when everyone else is off. Nights, weekends, holidays - that's me standing on the sidelines of the game you are watching while you are off. It sucks. The professors here have no idea. Of course, they are the reason that the University is thriving, so I won't insult them. It's just that they wonder why I always look so frazzled and tired when they seem me at every game that they are attending - AFTER THEY GET OFF WORK! Ugh. But the fact that I hate my job and leaving it is making it difficult to do a good job at it. It's just that I don't really care. Between the grief and the fact that I've realized that there are bigger things in life besides working every day, I don't give a shit. That sounds terrible because I used to be the best worker that I knew. Now it's all gone to hell. I feel like I go through the motions each day at work to make the next day come sooner. That just gets me closer to my last day. I'm planning week by week to have some sort of major event to make the week go faster. Disney, working as a volunteer at the Angels Triathlon, getting a golden retriever, friend coming from home to visit, DH's friends from college coming to visit, conference for work....all to keep me busy and my mind off of the real stuff.

I'm sort of regretting unofficially trying this month. My hunger woke me up last night in the middle of the night and I thought - Oh shit, what if I'm pregnant. I mean, if I were pregnant and the baby was healthy and we get to enjoy it come December, all would be hunky dory. But if my body isn't ready to support a pregnancy yet and we lose this one to, it would be the end of the world. I would be devastated to lose another one. Next month, I think that my body will be ready. I just hope that I'm not pregnant until then...that is unless a baby this month turned out healthy and fine and all is well in the world.