Spring Fever

The weather here today is beautiful. I love days like today, actually I love spring. I've always said that summer is my favorite season because I'm off of work. But Spring may be making a good campaign as my new fave. It always amazes me that the flowers know just the right time to come up and the trees know just when to bloom. It's like they come out of their winter sleep raring and ready to go. Those that are more tolerant to cold naturally come up first. It's amazing. I know this is basic elementary science, but I am still amazed by the wonders of the world. It's 80 degrees here today, you would never know it's the middle of April. Of course, the warm weather is giving way to April showers and 60 degree weather for the weekend. But I'll take the good weather while we've got it.

So, now I've got ants in my pants about doing fun summertime outings and vacations. I don't want to be at work or do work while I am here. I love this feeling, but hate the fact that I have no choice but to be here. I am leaving this job in June, I am getting the notion to start to count down the days. It's really weird to be leaving this job. Initially, the big plan was to have time off after Isaac was born in June and then student teach next spring. That has all changed now, as Isaac came to us early in January and there is no baby to take care of. My life has really been altered in more ways than one. Sometimes when I sit down and think about it, it blows my mine. So, now the plan is to student teach in the fall and hopefully have a baby early next spring. We will find out in a week if that might happen in January or later spring months. Honestly, the timing still works out fine. It's just weird that I am now leaving my job under totally different pretenses. There is no guarantee that we will have another child...should I still leave the job? My husband asked me that the other day. Would I still leave my job in June if we weren't pg yet. I think that if I didn't quit the job, I would lose all hope. It's like the plan had been blown to hell. At least we are still sort of following it. As for the job, I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions until June. Every now and again, I have to shake myself and remind myself that I need to keep doing a good job until that time. It's a strange situation because my best friend is my coworker. I am actually her boss. I think she's pulling the weight for me, which makes me feel guilty. But other times, I think of all that I have been through and worked through this year and I deserve some time off. I didn't get the time that I thought I needed when it all went down. Now, I feel like I am grieving on the fly.

I heard my husband tell his friend last night that "we are over it and moving on to try for the next baby". It sort of pissed me off because I know he doesn't feel that way. He's just trying to put up a macho front for his friend. God forbid he let the friend know that something deeper and more raw was really going on. I mean seriously, if you can't be honest with your friends about the most real thing in your life, what can you be real about? He hasn't even talked to his other two close friends much about it. The truth is, I am his best friend and he doesn't feel the need to share his emotions with others. He is so different from me. I put it all out there - for all to read and hear. I just need to get it out of my head and into space. Sometimes I think he should start a blog, so that he can really express his emotions.

You know the funny thing, though...no one from my REAL life knows the address to this blog. I've only told my mom, DH, and friend about the fact that I blog at all. I'm afraid to share with them for fear that I will write something to offend or piss them off. I really avoid confrontation in all aspects of my life. Even when I'm so pissed at DH, I don't SAY anything. I only act mad and play out every conversation that we could have in my head. He usually knows that I'm mad because I get quiet. But I am generally NOT a confrontational person. I never have been, I'm just like my mom.

So, that's all to report. I"m going outside to enjoy the weather.