Purging

Sometimes I feel like I just need to snap out of it. Mainly when a friend from far away emails me to see how I'm doing. I always feel so mopey when I'm thinking of the response. Like 'I need to be positive here...muster up any positive thoughts you're having'. The truth is that I'm feeling pretty crummy inside. I'm just not that happy. Sure, I'm still very sad about Isaac and all that has happened to us. I think about him every day. ut most recently I've been pissed that we even had to go through this at all. I don't know why I'm throwing a pity party for myself, but I don't think it's fair that I feel this way. In some ways, I hope that I can enjoy the next pregnancy (if we get pregnant). I think I'm depressed. I prefer to spend time by myself and generally just don't enjoy the same things that I used to. Even when we were at Disney, I felt like my feelings and excitement about our vacation were muted. I'm on mute...that's a good way to put it. I don't really talk about my feelings to anyone but DH. My mom and I used to talk it into the ground, but now I think that people are afraid to ask how I'm doing for fear that I may be having a good day. I guess that makes them good friends for not asking. But even my sister doesn't try to get too deep. I tried to talk to her on our trip in the car to Florida (we did have 28 hours together), but it's like she only wants to hear so much. I could talk about it all day....analyzing every aspect. No one else wants to do that with me, probably not even DH. Sometimes I don't even know what I feel until I go to blog or until I respond to a friend's email. I hate that. I'm just out of it. I feel many things - deep sadness for the loss of Isaac, anticipation of the next child, guilt for the anticipation I feel, worry for what I might do wrong to make the next pregnancy go bad, more sadness for our little boy, happiness for the sunshine outside, thankfulness for my husband. But I would never describe myself as happy during any one day. I tell people when they ask 'Fine, how are you?' Like if I can divert the attention from my feelings to theirs, they may not notice or scratch the surface of what really lies beneath my skin. I think that I'll be cautiously happy if I find out that we are pregnant again. The thing is that I'm not that afraid of the next pregnancy. We have an autopsy diagnosis of what happened and it's like a strike of lightening. Not likely to happen again. That doesn't mean that I'm carefree and thinking that something ELSE isn't going to happen. But that does help to ease my mind, we have answers and I couldn't be more thankful. Muted Mumbo Jumbo is how I feel right now.

I am listening to one of my favorite bands right now, Pat McGee Band. I love them. They calm my thoughts and soul. I need to see them in concert soon - my frazzled soul needs some calming.

I cleaned out our file cabinets today and purged all the old files that I didn't think we needed to keep anymore - you know cable bills from 1999. I think there are rules about how long you are supposed to keep that crap. I only keep them as long as there is room for them in my file cabinet. There wasn't room for even one piece of paper and I knew it was time to purge. It feels really good to throw things away. I love finishing bottles of shampoo and conditioner. It's like a sense of accomplishment.

I'm still wrestling with my anger and thoughts about our doctors next time. I"m still angry that my OB doc hasn't even called. I think I'm going to suck it up and make the hour drive over the mountain to continue seeing the doctors that delivered Isaac. They were there, they know my story, they have called and seen me since. They are really great doctors - I want them to deliver a healthy baby of mine. Is that wishful thinking?