I feel like Gilligan

I'm sorry for my abscence, but for once it was absolutely completely out of my control.

Devin is here...he is healthy and all is well. Born April 21, 2006 (only like 2% of babies are actually born on their due date - he's just like his father, on time). 8 pounds, 12 ounces and 23 1/4 inches long (big baby).

I had a fever during labor (ended up with a c-section after 2 1/2 hours of pushing), so they did a spinal tap and blood draw on devin as soon as he was out of the womb. Turns out that he had an elevated white blood cell count in both spinal fluid and blood. They diagnosed it as meningitis....although the cultures from both the blood and spinal fluid grew nothing. For precautionary sake, the standard course of treatment was 2 weeks of antibiotics via IV. That's where Gilligan comes in, we went into the hospital expecting a smooth delivery and recovery. It ended up being the three hour tour that never ended! We got home on Saturday and I have been cooped up ever since then. Today is my first day out...yahoo! I could check the blog, but the hospital computer wouldn't let me post. I'm sorry to keep you all hanging!! If I could figure out how, I woudl post pics. We'll see what I can muster here soon.

I hope all is well in blogland. Will check in soon now that we're home. Thanks for your concerns!!

Two violations and still nothing

The membranes have now been stripped twice and still nothing...although today is a full moon and I'm hopeful of a delivery. Just wanted to update you all. I need to go walk for now. I'm miserable.

The 10 pound turkey

So at the US last week, it was confirmed. We are going to have a big baby. I knew this was a possiblity, DH and I both have a family history of big babies. DH was 8pounds, 2ounces...I was 8pounds, 8ounces. I was just hoping to avoid that. It appears that is not the case, last week at 36W, 4D the baby measured 8 pounds, 5ounces on US. Needless to say, we still have three weeks left. Oh my God! I have to get this baby out of me. Tomorrow morning, they are going to strip my membranes in hopes to stir things up. I'm hoping this will start the labor process and I'll be holding our new baby boy by this time next week. Wish us luck. Cervix was favorable, anterior, soft, 25% effaced last week. I've been walking and bouncing on the birthing ball in hopes to progress things along. We'll know more tomorrow. I still feel him in my ribs alot, so I'm thinking he hasn't dropped yet. He is head down, thankfully. Okay, I'm hot and tired. I need to go put my feet up. We went to a wedding in DC this weekend and I still haven't recovered.

I am a sucky blogger

That's the absolute truth...all is fine here. I'm sorry to give anyone a scare. Really, we are so lucky that we have such a great support system. I'm sorry for not being supportive lately. The truth is that my computer time is so limited, by the time that I check email there is no time left for blogger. Also, I'm hesitant to log into my blog page on random computers for fear of weirdo lurkers who I actually know. So, I only log onto the blog on DH's computer. Also, I'm sort of enjoying the bliss of zoning out and not really trying to think about the emotions I'm having. And I'm tired. So there, that's my lamo list of why I'm a sucky blogger. I'm going to try to be better....I think I said that a month ago.


Things here are fine. I'm still ticking along, just got done swimming. Baby is moving plenty and obviously growing by the size of my belly. Our next appt. and US are on March 28. I can't believe I am in the home stretch here...almost 36 weeks. Wow.

Okay, I need to go explore your all's blogs before I head home. Will try to do a better job of checking in. :)

Still ticking...

Both me and the baby, that is. Sorry to be MIA. I think I'm depressed or something. I don't really feel depressed, I just feel very distracted and can't make myself sit down long enough to enter a blog entry. What is the deal with that? I have all sorts of things to write about...just no energy and what feels like no time to write them. Ugh. I need to pull my head out.

Let's see, quick update....
*I failed my one hour glucose test, changed my diet a bit (cut down to one sweet a day and drank my juice at 10:30am instead of first thing) and stepped up the exercise. Passed the three hour glucose test. So all is well, the doc recommends keeping the changes that I made. I can live with that.
*Baby is moving like crazy lately. That's a good sign...I was worried there for a while. He must be getting so big in there. It seems hard to believe that a 3+ pound and 17+ inch baby is living in my belly. I love this time of bonding and must say that I really am enjoying being pregnant.
*I forgot to mention that I do hate feeling like a beached whale. I'm really not that big, but Devin is right in my ribs and riding very high. Makes bending over very difficult. Also feels like I can't breathe all day long.
*Nursery is completed...I love it, love it, love it. If I ever get the time and energy, I will post pics.
*First baby shower this weekend. I'm so excited. The next shower will be next weekend - it's all just so fun to think about. I'm really feeling pretty excited and optimistic about this baby most of the time.
*I hate blogger...the past three times I've tried to post it's had difficulties and just now came on saying that it may lose unsaved posts because it's having trouble staying connected. Grrrr. I'm thinking of making a new blog page for Devin after he is born. That way I can share with you all and also share with my family. They know nothing about this blog page, not that I say anything that racy. I just like the freedom of posting my thoughts without anyone from the real world reading them. I'm going to make the new blog page on typepad, I think. Any thoughts on that?
*I've been watching the winter olympics....I'm trying to like them. I just don't understand most of the sports. I mean, can you really call Curling a sport? It seems mostly like lots of talking, strategizing, and some luck. I don't know....
*Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. DH and I are going to the Duke basketball game tonight. A life long dream of my husband's - I hope we have fun. We got the tickets for free from his boss, love that! I need to go for now, we have a drive in front of us to get to the game. Hoping to get there in time to walk around and see the campus. Maybe Devin will go there someday...

The Child has a name...

Devin Lee S-----

It's weird, but I fear that now that he has a name that increases the chances we will lose him. Is that insane? Not to mention that he is a very mellow baby - seriously, pretty quiet most of the day. He moves a lot at night time. I can't decide if it's that he's not moving or I'm not paying attention or maybe I'm just not good at recognizing the "rolls" and "shifts" that are more present now, as opposed to the blunt kicks. I'm such a paranoid freak, we went to the hospital a week ago because I was sure something was wrong with him. I hadn't felt much movement in the previous four days, I'd felt some. Anyway, they hooked me up to the monitor and all was well in there. His heartbeat was in the 140's and he was movin' and a shakin' in there. I just wish that I knew what was going on in there. It's hard to relinquish the control. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...it all seems too good to be true. I mean...I'm 26 weeks, taking baby class, registered for gifts, planning showers, getting the nursery ready, reading everything about baby care and breastfeeding that I can get my hands on...yet it all feels like I'm playing pretend. The fact that we could actually bring this baby home amazes me, not to mention that if we did lose this baby I would be devastated. Crushed. I don't know if I could go through another late loss. We call this baby by name and I eagerly await it's every move. I have hopes and dreams for this kid, as I did with Isaac. I just want them to come true. My dreams are nothing that grandiose...you know, be born, be healthy, get to go to school one day, play basketball with his dad. He could be a janitor for all I care...so long as he is alive and kicking. I don't know. I suppose that's why I've been avoiding blogging. It should be a time of sharing all that is going on with me, instead I feel like it's just a time of fear. I fear everything, I'm a basketcase. Blogging only makes me face those fears, to name them and write about them. That's a difficult thing to do. Every day, I sigh with relief that we've made it through another day (while in the back of my mind I'm freaking out because he's a mellow baby and he's not squirming inside of me). I just wish I could fast forward, so that I would know how things turn out. Only that's not possible, so I just trudge through each day...hoping for the best. We have another appointment next week, Jan. 24. I'm going to be so daring as asking the doctors about hospital procedures, travelling in labor (hospital is an hour away), pain relief options, breastfeeding after birth, maybe even touring the hospital. I need the info at some point, I might as well go out on a limb now. Sometimes I get so pissed at myself, why can't I just relax and enjoy this pregnancy? Why do I second guess every single thing? I'm just making myself miserable. All part of the game, I guess.

My little night owl

It seems like forever since I've posted. I got caught in the whirlwind of the holidays, it was a good holiday overall. Although to be honest, both DH and I wished that Isaac could have been there with us. It's so bitter sweet, as ever mother who moves on after a loss must feel, that we wouldn't have this baby if we had Isaac. But we both ache and long for Isaac to be with us during these special times. It sort of felt empty, although sort of didn't. We both bought presents and exchanged them for this baby. We also bought an angel for Isaac. He'll always be with us.

Tomorrow, we are painting the nursery. I'm so excited. That's the best xmas present of all, in my opinion. My mom and I are going to register while DH and dad paint the room. Pretty soon, it should look much closer to a nursery than the old "sports" paraphernalia room that it was. DH was sad to put all his junk away, but I've never been so happy to see it go!

In pregnancy news, I can officially no longer see my coochie. There isn't much room for me to bend over and I'm pretty uncomfortable while I'm sitting. I've gained 12 pounds and the belly is changing every day. It's weird. It's getting bigger as the clock ticks, I swear. I definately look pregnant now, rather than just chubbers. Sort of nice, actually. We had the 24 week appointment yesterday, everything was normal. Heartbeat fine, blood pressure fine, pulse fine, etc. These non-US appointments are sort of boring. I guess next time I'll have the one hour glucose test done at 28 weeks. They are no longer treating me as high risk, as the complications we had last time are not present this time. I just hope we get to have one more US before the pg is over. The little guy is a wiggle worm in there, DH can feel his kicks from the outside. I think this is going to be a big baby. DH and I are both big people, as far as our frame size goes. Hopefully healthy, that's all I care about. It seems like the kid falls asleep all day long and then wakes up right after dinner, then he's at it all night long until I wake up at 7. I sure hope he figures out his days and nights before he arrives in this world. I am NOT a night owl....hmmm.

Okay, I'm off to buy a glider. I'm so excited. This is all starting to seem real.

20w 5d

Yesterday was the landmark - 20w 5d...that is the point that we lost Isaac. We have passed that point, I wish I could breathe a little easier now. Tomorrow will be 21 weeks...we're registering for gifts, signing up for baby classes, working on the nursery. I don't know, part of me just feels like I'm playing pretend. I'm fearful to be optimistic....this kid deserves a little optimism, right? It all just seems so real, I mean it KNOW it's real (all too well). I guess I'm just afraid to get too attached, like anything can go wrong any time (which it can). It's just weird...I just want to be the happy, fearless pregnant woman. That couldn't be further from the truth.

On a fun note, we were at the men's basketball game of the university where DH works last night and this baby was going crazy. It was a really close game and both sets of fans were really loud, the cheerleaders were loud, and of course the game was loud. I guess it just made him want to squirm...maybe we have a basketball player inside. Who knows?

Boy Wonder

No time to really post right now...I've become a sucky blogger. Between not having a computer at my fingertips all day long and being tired/sick/etc. with pregnancy, blogging has gone by the wayside. Not that I don't enjoy it or that I don't think about the other bloggers out there and how they're doing - I just don't have the same time to do it that I used to.

We DID have the Level II US on Thursday - all is clear. Healthy baby boy inside, all measurements were good. He has long legs (like his daddy) and seems to be pretty content in there. Such a good feeling to know that all is well in there. I'm feeling him move so much more now too, amazing what difference a few days can make.

So all is well from this lousy blogger. Hope you're all doing well. More soon, promise.

The butterflies in my belly

It was a good thanksgiving...not too stressful. Of course, there was good food and great times with my family. I'm pretty happy that I don't have the disfunction dreads that some families have. It's usually just my sister's family and DH and I. I'm thankful for many things...I'm healthy, we have a pretty nice house, great pets, enough money, etc. One thing that I'm not thankful for this year is that we lost Isaac. I would have loved to have him at this thanksgiving celebration. I sort of think it was at the back of everyone's mind. I will always wish he was here with us.

As for this pregnancy and the new baby, things seem to be fine. I think I've felt a few little flutters. Definately two different times have I felt movement. I have my 20 week appt. on Tuesday and the big US on Dec. 1. These next few days are going to crawl by, I just know it. To help make the time go faster, we are trying to keep busy. I'm excited, we are going to the Washington Redskins game tomorrow with our friends. I could care less about either team (I'm a Colts fan), but it will hopefully be fun.

Hope you all had a good turkey day.

Another hurdle we have crossed

FYI...all was well with the NT scan and the quad screen. We have breathed a sigh of relief...for now. Now I am anxiously awaiting my first swift kick from this little one. I need to run...the end of a long day. Hope all is well in blogland.

New Territory

It seems I have reached a new stage of my "healing" process...people are now feeling more comfortable asking me about what exactly happened. I sort of enjoy the new found freedom to talk about the child that everyone was afraid to ask about for so long. I think of him all the time, to talk about him isn't hard for me. But I've noticed it's hard for others to hear. Several people have cried while I was talking to them, while my tear ducts are nearly dry. I'm okay with that, let them be uncomfortable for a while.

We still haven't told anyone about this pregnancy. It's getting hard to hide, as I'm in maternity clothes. I don't really look pregnant just yet, mostly I look fat. We have our big US on December 1. If we get the green light, we'll tell everyone after that. Part of me can't wait to enjoy and share this happiness with everyone. So far, we've only told my mom and Bryan's dad. While they were overjoyed, I want to share the news with everyone. I just hope that all is well in there and we don't have to face the same music we did last time.

I had the quad screen done and the second stage of the NT-fold test last week. I'm thinking we'll get our results today. Keep your fingers crossed and say a silent prayer for us. Gotta run for now.

Drano Test

Just had to report that I did the Drano test last night....it said girl. We'll see.

Feeling much better here. I'm a little overwhelmed with work, but overall I'm doing well. I've had absolutely no time to get to the computer this week. Hope all is well in blogland. I can't believe I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

On a side note, today is my birthday. I'm 30. Weird. A whole new decade, I hope it is a decade of good things to come.

The whirlwind that is my life right now...

While I have to say that I think I'm finally over the pregnancy poo...I now have a sinus infection and a deep chest cold. Wonderful. Needless to say, running to the computer has been the least of my worries this week. sorry to leave you hanging. This new illness is in addition to having the stomach flew on Sunday/Monday of this week. What the hell...I had a flu shot. Where is this coming from? I can only hope that the baby is alright in there, just along for the ride and hopefully not noticing that it's mother wishes she could go to bed for the next two weeks and never get out. Because I've been sick, I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds. Of course, I was worried about taking anything that would harm the baby. I made mention of last time I was pregnant I took this...eventually this led to chit chat with the pharmacist of "how old is your other child?" For the first time in a while, I had to break the news to someone "he died". It was weird. it's like you're making forward progress and then something makes you stop in your tracks. Now I can't stop thinking about Isaac....and how guilty I feel that we're having another baby. I had a dream last night that this baby was a boy and I was so dissapointed. I'm not sure, I just feel like Isaac is my little boy. It seems weird to think there might be another one.

Anyway, I'm still under the weather so I'm going to go. Just wanted to share my ramblings.

Poooo

Okay, I"m going to complain here. I feel like poo every day and I'm tired of it. I know I should just grin and bear it, but I'm just tired of never feeling well. I haven't vomited, so I can't really complain (as I know some of you can't keep anything down). But I never feel good....I'm almost 14 weeks here, is there an end in sight? Ugh. I gotta go.

Tiny Dancer

Not to worry....all is well with the little one. I just haven't had a chance to sit down at the computer - you guys are awesome for your support. I say one because we didn't find out the sex. Tech said she wouldn't even attempt to guess this early. I measured 13W3D on Tuesday and I was actually 12 W 4D. The doc says that big is good. The measurements they were taking (neuchal translucency fold) all seemed to be in normal limits. We will find out the final results in a few weeks. But that little bug was just a dancing in there. It was so cute. It wouldn't turn around, so we spent almost the entire ultrasound looking at a silhouette of it's backside. We did get one profile shot and things seemed to look good. She said it was too early to look at the brain or other organs. Heart rate was 156. I'll take it, I'm just so happy that it seemed to go well. My next US is not until 20 weeks - December 1. Ugh. That seems like forever, but I"m just going to ride this high out a little longer. Thanks for all of your concerns!

T minus 39 hours and counting

My next ultrasound is on Tuesday morning...I am a nervous wreck. I just want everything to be alright. I mean, I still feel pretty pregnant. You know, big boobs, nauseous, belly getting bigger. But there really is no way to know for sure...it could all be in my head. Not to mention, that I could still be pregnant and something could be really wrong with our baby. Okay, let's be honest. This could be a textbook pregnancy, I make it to D-day and something can still go wrong. The reality of that is just really heavy to face. I'm trying to focus on the good things and hope for the best. Do you think that assuming everything is alright, that they'll be able to tell the sex at 12 w 5 d? I'm seriously doubting it, but I'm hopeful. I've finally talked Bryan into finding out. Now I just want to be assured that everything is alright and what the sex of this child is.

Let's see what else...I've still been feeling pretty pukey. It never fails, I manage to fill myself up with complete crap all day long and then pay for it around bedtime. Take today, for example. I walk into this office to get onto the computer and the candy gods have placed a tub of all of my halloween favorites out. No one is around...I can't help but raid the candy. I have eaten two tootsie rolls (one cherry flavored) and two mini boxes of DOTS. Mmmmm....now I'll feel like crap tonight at about 9pm. Without fail, this happens to me every day in some fashion or another. if only I could make good choices about what I eat...every day...at every meal. That's really a lot to ask. I'm trying to do the best that I can.

My boobs are still huge and tender. My belly is starting to make my bikini underwear roll down. that drives me crazy. Nothing makes me feel more like a whale than when my freaking underwear won't stay up because my fat roll is pushing them down. Ugh.

I swam for an hour today. It felt great. I'm going to try to do this again a few more times this week.

That's all for now. I need a new look for this blog. I"m not sure how that works, though. Do I have to cut and paste my entire blogroll? Ugh.

Where the reality of it all just smacks you in the face..

I am so sad, I have been taking a break from blogging because I have no computer and I've been so busy...only to return and find out that Laura and Justin have lost the tadpole. I don't know, it all just seems so much more real now. I've been allowing myself to visit my personal lala land, where I pretend that all is well and we might actually have this baby. But you know, you just never know. How much more is going to be thrown their way, it's just not fair. I'm so sorry for them and their loss.

I am Pamela Anderson

Okay...not really. I don't have any wild, crazy sex stories, I'm not that skinny, and MY boobs are real. But I feel like my boobs are as big and rotund as hers are. They are so big and thick, I feel like they are silicone. Ugh. And my belly continues to grow. What do they call "popping"? Because I think I might have done that this weekend. It's just that now I look fatter and can't suck it in. Also, I can pretty clearly feel the outline of my uterus. Is that "popping"? Still feeling like poo most of the time...I let DH have his way with me this morning. It's just so different when you're pregnant. I feel fat and nasty and the last thing I want to do is get naked and roll around with another person. Ugh. But he seemed satisfied...we'll see if that can last him another three weeks. Probably not, considering he said that maybe we could do it again this afternoon....ha! What is he thinking? TMI...sorry.

Okay, I need to go grocery shopping and to buy something to settle my stomach down. We had Hardee's for breakfast...remind me not to do that again. Fried food doesn't sit well with me. On that note, most food (especially if I have been the one to prepare it) doesn't sit well with me. I wish that DH would agree to eat cereal every night for dinner. Ugh. He did offer to cook one night this week. I'll be eating cereal that night.

On a side note, I think my mom and I may start our own little side business. We're going to sew cute, trendy, preppy tote bags to sell. I'll post some pics once we get some samples made. We'll see where this goes. We're going shopping for fabric in Charlottesville next week. I'm actually excited about something!

10 weeks

It seems impossible that I'm 10 weeks pregnant. It also seems impossible that I have 30 more weeks of worrying like I have for the past 7. How will I make it? Ugh. I'm predicting a change over to maternity clothes here in the next 2 weeks. I'm getting thick around the middle. And I can't wait for our ultrasound on October 11. I might go crazy before then. I keep worrying that I'm just getting fatter because I'm eating more. And that I'm eating more because I just "think" I'm still pregnant. What if I've lost the baby and just don't know it yet. That's what keeps going through my mind. Ugh. Okay, school is about to start. Have a great weekend.