oh the drama

So, my husband and I have talked about going to therapy. I think I'm going to try to get through this on my own. Maybe that is a bad idea. But I'm going to give it a try. In some ways, I just want to be strong enough to put this behind me. In other ways, I never want to forget any of it. I feel very numb the past few days. Not just numb about our situation, but numb about life in general. I feel like I am going through the motions at work and in life. In some ways, I feel guilty that I don't care more about the kids at work or that I haven't thrown my entire heart back into it yet. But I don't know if I have that in me right now. Partly because I am not returning to my job after this school year. I am going to student teach in the fall (at least that was the plan we were following when we were pregnant). Isn't it funny how life works out? We haven't really changed the plan because I am at that point in my schooling. But I make a whole lot more money in the job that I am currently in. I like my job, but I hate the hours. Hopefully I will be pregnant in the fall and deliver just following student teaching. Then I will have until the following school year to be at home with the little one. Keep my fingers crossed here. But it is hard to be excited about what I"m doing when I'm counting down the days in the back of my head. Oh the quandry. What if we don't get pregnant? Then I'm going to be jobless next December and probably sorry that we ever even came up with this plan in the first place. Ugh.

So the weight loss is progressing....slowly. Don't you just wish that you could take a pill and it would all melt off? My mom says I look good, but I think that's her duty as my mom. Keep it comin'! Did I mention that she also brought me a sheet cake today? That's certainly not helping my efforts. God bless her. I've been through this once about two years before I ever got pregnant, I lost about 35 pounds. I kept it off until I finished my last triathlon and we started trying the next month. Sure, Holly, pack it on in preparation for pregnancy. I'm kicking myself now. We are eating at my favorite restaurant tonight for a banquet, I can't wait. See, that's the problem. My life revolves around my next meal. I think that's because mealtime is my only downtime at my job. It's going to be a real life changer to have a completely different job and schedule. As it is now, my husband works three floors above me. I have a relatively low key schedule while I'm at work, I just have to be here for long hours. But that means that my husband can pop in and see me or we can go work out together. That won't be happening in the fall. That's weird.

Do you ever think about what you will do differently next time you are pregnant? I wish I knew exactly what it was that I did to cause the amniotic sac to tear and cause the amniotic band syndrome. I would avoid whatever that is. But I do plan to be less stressed, eat more healthy, swim more, and do prenatal yoga from the beginning. That's for sure. I think it's going to be scary to be pregnant again...what if? You know? I can't imagine putting in the effort to get pregnant right now.

I'm exhausted. That's my biggest complaint. Everyone keeps asking how I'm feeling. Fine, really. But I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all day and night long. My wheels are spinning all day. Who knew that made someone so tired? No one really understands that. I have spurts of energy, but for the most part grieving is exhausting.