A whole new world

So, I've just stumbled upon the world of blogging. I had no idea this whole thing existed, mostly because I am a computer idiot. But this style of venting is just what I needed. I am caught in limbo between just having a stillborn child and being ready to conceive again. My own personal conquest here, but this gives me a place to vent. I am a frequent visitor of the FF site, but just can't really find a place there. No, I am not TTC #1, nor am I really TTC #2 at this point. I am not TTC at all, I'm just trying to get over and sort through the feelings I have about the child that I lost 2 1/2 weeks ago. I can't even bring myself to visit the pregnancy site, they really make me sick right now. Alghough, I did stumble upon this site from FF.

Right now I have all of these angry feelings inside and nowhere to put them down. My husband would be apalled if he knew what went through my head sometimes. I have read other posters on this site and can completely identify. Pregnant women and babies make me sick right now. I can't help but feel cheated and just generally pissed at the world. Why the fuck did I have to lose my child? What is different about me and my husband that makes our baby not able to survive? I just don't get it.

You know that people say the stupidest things. "It wasn't meant to be" or "It's just nature's way of taking care of unhealthy babies". yeah, well kiss my ass. I hate it when people say "It happens to everyone"...really? Does everyone deliver and bury their baby all in the same day? Have they ever held their baby who weighed 13 oz and never had a chance at life? Maybe, but I don't want to hear about it. I know they're just trying to make me feel better. But it doesn't. I don't feel like anyone can understand what I'm going through. Sometimes even my husband is overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings.

Don't get me started on pregnant people, God bless them. Three of my closest friends are pregnant and due within two weeks of my due date. Come June I'm going to be cussing them. I already gave all of my maternity clothes to one of them. Now I'm pissed that I don't need them. I know they can't help that they are healthy and carrying their baby to term. but I can't stand to look at them. I can't even think about being one of them right now.

Why don't the doctors just be honest with you? I wish that I had my own personal doc on call, who could answer my questions whenever they arise. It seems like whenever we are at the doctor's office, I can never think of anything to ask. Only to be laying in bed that night and not be able to sleep because of all the questions. Ugh.