I lied....I do need to share this with the world. Apparently my husband and I have very differing views on heaven. It's strange that I know this, mostly because I never thought my husband and I would be travelling down this hellish nightmare we are living through. But apparently he thinks that everyone in heaven is the same age. I think this is weird because it's hard to picture our 21 week old in utero baby chillin' with my 91 year old grandpa at the same age. Apparently my husband sees the people in heaven as spirits. I definately see the people in heaven at the same age that they passed on this earth. Somehow, it gives me comfort to think that my grandpa and my aunt and our friend Kristen, who have all passed, will watch over Isaac in heaven. Random, yet a big congingent point in discussion with DH over what is happenign with our baby.
You know, I thought the dreams would stop after pregnancy was over. I was never much of a dreamer before. Last night I couldn't remember the name of our baby in my dream. I was having a lengthy conversation with my sister about him, but couldn't place his name to my lips. I think that's funny, because during the day I can't stop thinking about him. Two nights ago, my OB was forcing me to go back on BCP. Why? I don't know, but I was pissed. He then provided me with a new wedding dress (it was blue) to wear when DH and I got re-married to wash away all the bad stuff. What does all this mean?
The funny thing about the delivery was that I don't really remember parts of it very well. Maybe that was because of the pain or maybe it was the narcotics that the doctors were pumping into me. But I barely remember tha part where the chaplain came in to bless Isaac. I can't really remember where my husband was during the delivery. He assures me that he was on my right side, holding my hand. But I have no recollection. There are other parts of the delivery that I will never forget. Namely the part where my husband was weeping over the tiny body of our baby. Or Isaac's feet. I'll never forget the calm that I felt after it was all said and done. I wouldn't have done anything differently...aside from keep him alive. There are no questions about whether he would have made it outside the womb. He wouldn't have.'
My husband just stares at me sometimes when I"m crying. It's like he wants to help me by saying or doing something to make me feel better. That's not going to happen...I just need to cry and let time pass. My mom is having a hard time with this. I"m surprised about how the grief has overtaken her. Who knew she felt such a connection to me? Of course she did, she's my mom. That's what being a mom is all about. I hope I get to experience that for real one day.
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What a sad post. I did not go through delivery, so I can't relate to that. I can imagine, but it's not the same. It must have been so incredibly hard. I think maybe that you have trouble remembering some of it is your body's natural reaction to protect you from the pain.
I have become somewhat more religious because of what happened to us. I don't know if I REALLY believe in heaven, but when I do believe in it I guess I picture people of all different ages...but I think they all have mature thought. Spirits in a material form, I guess.
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