The Child has a name...

Devin Lee S-----

It's weird, but I fear that now that he has a name that increases the chances we will lose him. Is that insane? Not to mention that he is a very mellow baby - seriously, pretty quiet most of the day. He moves a lot at night time. I can't decide if it's that he's not moving or I'm not paying attention or maybe I'm just not good at recognizing the "rolls" and "shifts" that are more present now, as opposed to the blunt kicks. I'm such a paranoid freak, we went to the hospital a week ago because I was sure something was wrong with him. I hadn't felt much movement in the previous four days, I'd felt some. Anyway, they hooked me up to the monitor and all was well in there. His heartbeat was in the 140's and he was movin' and a shakin' in there. I just wish that I knew what was going on in there. It's hard to relinquish the control. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...it all seems too good to be true. I mean...I'm 26 weeks, taking baby class, registered for gifts, planning showers, getting the nursery ready, reading everything about baby care and breastfeeding that I can get my hands on...yet it all feels like I'm playing pretend. The fact that we could actually bring this baby home amazes me, not to mention that if we did lose this baby I would be devastated. Crushed. I don't know if I could go through another late loss. We call this baby by name and I eagerly await it's every move. I have hopes and dreams for this kid, as I did with Isaac. I just want them to come true. My dreams are nothing that grandiose...you know, be born, be healthy, get to go to school one day, play basketball with his dad. He could be a janitor for all I care...so long as he is alive and kicking. I don't know. I suppose that's why I've been avoiding blogging. It should be a time of sharing all that is going on with me, instead I feel like it's just a time of fear. I fear everything, I'm a basketcase. Blogging only makes me face those fears, to name them and write about them. That's a difficult thing to do. Every day, I sigh with relief that we've made it through another day (while in the back of my mind I'm freaking out because he's a mellow baby and he's not squirming inside of me). I just wish I could fast forward, so that I would know how things turn out. Only that's not possible, so I just trudge through each day...hoping for the best. We have another appointment next week, Jan. 24. I'm going to be so daring as asking the doctors about hospital procedures, travelling in labor (hospital is an hour away), pain relief options, breastfeeding after birth, maybe even touring the hospital. I need the info at some point, I might as well go out on a limb now. Sometimes I get so pissed at myself, why can't I just relax and enjoy this pregnancy? Why do I second guess every single thing? I'm just making myself miserable. All part of the game, I guess.