The tree lives!

So, I've been feeling so overwhelmed with my frustration and feelings about everything that I haven't been able to bring myself to blog. Imagine, this is where I come to get my frustrations out. But I feel like a hamster on a running wheel right now. The gist of the happenings in the past few days:

*My nine year old nephew came up to visit last week. Very fun, nice distraction. But I was exhausted following his visit. We did all sorts of fun stuff, including going to the pool, playing golf at the driving/putting range, going to the pet store, swimming with the dog at the river, playing pool at the student commons (here at the university where I used to work), playing game cube, etc. Anyway, it was great to connect with him. I get the five year old nephew in a few weeks...but only for a few days. he's much more of a handful.

*I took a standardized test for teachers on Saturday...which was a complete waste of time. This is a test to assess new teacher's ability to assess reading. The test is so new that there are no baseline scores established yet. So, basically I paid $105 to be a guinea pig. On a good note, it doesn't really matter whether I passed or not. But in addition to entertaining my nephew, I also scrambled to get myself prepared for the test for which there are no study materials. Interesting...

*I took a shot in the dark and went to my PCP on friday. I was trying to convince her to be my advocate in this whole TTC thing. I just feel so put off by all of my docs, I was thinking that she might feel a little sympathy for me. Wrong. I hated her to begin with (she misdiagnosed my hypothyroid a few years ago). But I thought I would try to play the sympathy card and get what I wanted out of the deal. She told me that maybe I should be less regimented - put away the thermometer and relax. She also asked me how the grieving process was going. She doesn't think that I've given myself enough time. Sure, when we started TTC in March, we weren't really that ready emotionally. I also didn't really think that I would get pregnant then. There is also something to be said about the nine months that you will carry that next baby. That is all time in the bucket that helps you get ready for the next one and grieve the lost one. I told her that I didn't know if there would ever be a day that I would not think about Isaac. I told her that if those were my guidelines, then I should never get pregnant. I am very sad, I do wish he was here with us. That won't change, whether we get pregnant again or not. So, does that make me ready to try for another? I have no idea. I just know that I really want this, need this to happen. She didn't get it. She also told me that my and my husband being a healthy reproductive age did not alarm her. She saw no reason to intervene in the TTC process. Funny thing, when I left her office she had agreed to allow me to go on progesterone. I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, so I wasn't surprised when I got home to find a message on my answering machine telling me that she wasn't comfortable with the procedure and that I should go see an RE. Go fucking figure, she was more than happy to accept my money, though.

Anyway, I'm basically back to square one. The general consensus is that I need to see an RE - I have an appointment at the end of August. I was thankful to get in so soon, yet that is just one or two more cycles that are down the drain. We haven't given up entirely...we are still monitoring things and BD at the right times. But I tried to relinquish the control and put away the thermometer - just to mix it up. No good. I couldn't stand it. I only lasted for two days. I just hate not knowing where I am in my cycle - of course I gave up temping on two pretty key days of my cycle. Forget that, every day is a key day. You see temping, it's a vicious cycle. Now that I'm so nervous about the outcome of the temping, I get myself all worked up. I have bad dreams, don't sleep well, and likely that all throws off my temp anyway. You just can't win. But this entire situation has been the source of my frustration. I just feel like I'm in a race against the clock. I'm ready to be pregnant now...how do you explain that to someone? My doc surely didn't understand. She just stared at me blankly. I need this. I am ready for the next chapter, God please let something happen soon.

*I have a hell of a week in front of me. It's funny, I am now unemployed. Yet, I am busier than ever. I just have all of this work to do for my classes this summer and it's overwhelming me. My history class will be over this week, thank goodness. My final class is tomorrow, review session on wednesday, test on thursday. My mom is trying to come up for a visit on Wednesday. I also have a marathon vet session on wednesday morning, as all four of my animals need to see the vet. Ugh...I'll need a shower after that one. The summer program that I am working for is ending this week, so we have our final banquet on thursday night. I'm also trying to interview one of my teacher friends this week for an assignment that I have due. It's all just this busy work that I don't want to do. I just want to veg and send positive vibes to my uterus.