My dirty little secret

The recent events over on Roxanne's blog have led me to wonder...have I been deceiving you? I guess that if by definition that omission of specific facts is deception; then yes, I have led you astray. The truth is that I have never truly spoken in this blog of the one thing that is always weighing on my mind. in January, my husband and I made the heart breaking choice to terminate our pregnancy. I hate that word...terminate. I like to think of it as induction or delivery, the truth is that we made the choice to end the life of our child. This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but please keep reading. It has become clear that in reading the comments on A Different Child, that those of you with a natural loss view this as different. Somehow, I fit into my own category. I guess that technically that is true. In your eyes, I may not have lost my baby, I chose his destiny. I guess this is why I have omitted it up until this time. In my experience since this has all happened to us, I have realized that people tend to judge you before they know the whole story. As a result, we chose to just tell people in our lives that we "lost" the baby. No description attached, really not many questions asked or answered. It was easier that way, and my husband and I were left to wrestle with our inner demons and guilt on our own.

We made the decision to induce labor at 20 weeks, 5 days. But the truth is that we made that decision out of love. We had the standard quad screen test done at 16 1/2 weeks, got the positive results for a neural tube defect during our 17th week. We went to UVA for a level II ultrasound - honestly the best 90 minutes of my life were during that ultrasound. We innocently and naively watched our baby move and kick, we fell in love. We gushed about how he looked and what he was going to be one day. Only to be told at the end of the ultrasound by the high risk doc that the cleft palate that our son suffered from was the least of our concerns. They originally thought he suffered from Trisomy 13. I'm not sure what you know about Trisomy 13, but if you google it, you can imagine our devastation. It seems that during the ultrasound, the doctors discovered that Isaac was missing half of his brain (anencephaly) and the half that he did have was so scrambled that the doc and technician couldn't find anything recognizable. This was difficult to hear because to me he looked perfect. I am in the field of orthopedics, what I know is muscles and bones. I've taken gross anatomy, I know what the body is supposed to look like. He had long legs and arms, a perfect little beating heart. His kidneys and spine all looked great. We had a hard time seeing his face on ultrasound, but the docs could tell that there were abnormalities. Of course, I am not familiar with what a brain is supposed to look like on ultrasound. I had no idea that anything was wrong. After the doctor talked to us, he advised we get an amnio. We did the procedure right away. A week later 18.5 weeks of pregnancy, the results came back normal. Our baby did not have a chromosome deformity, so the question is what was wrong with him? I hoped nothing. We went back during our 19th week for another level II ultrasound. This time, the baby's head was in a better position and we could see the face...the docs could also get a better view of the brain. It's weird, but this ultrasound gave us one more time to see our baby alive and in some ways to say goodbye to him. The results were not good, the brain condition was as bad or worse than they had thought two weeks before, he had severe cleft palate. His eyes were offset, he was missing a nasal bone and complete upper lip. The part of his brain that was affected was his entire cerebral coretex. He would be incapable of language understanding and development, he would be incapable of emotion, he would have no motor skills. He could be a vegetable. The prognosis was not good.

The doctors said that we could choose to try to carry the baby to term, but that the baby would not improve. Not only that, but the baby would likely self-abort before full term. If the baby was born, he would only live for a few minutes or hours; he would likely be in pain. So, let me stop and ask you right now, what would you do? Given that all you had dreamed and hoped for your baby had been shattered, would you carry your baby to term? We chose to induce labor. Out of love for this child, we knew that we had to make the difficult decision for the future of our child. We actually made the decision to induce over D&E so that an autopsy could be performed. I dreaded nothing more than delivering my dead son and having to hold him in that condition. Honestly, I feared what he would look like. I had seen the pictures of Trisomy 13 online, I am a very visual person. I feared that his image would be a negative impact.

Now, after delivering him, I know that he was perfect. I will never second guess the decision that we made. We were able to meet him, hold him, name him, spend time with him, have him blessed. It allowed my husband to bond with a son that he had little connection with up until that time - it's hard for the husbands early in pregnancy. We kept him for over four hours. My mom, DH's dad, and my sister all got to hold him. He was blessed by the chaplain. He was deformed, yes. I now know that he never would have made it in life. I'm at peace with our decision to let him be born in a way that we were able to come to terms with. He died at peace, a very much loved little boy. Does that make the decision any easier? no. Do I have regrets? Yes, I wish that I had a healthy little boy now. Do I rethink all that happened each and every day? Yes.

I guess that I write this to clear the air. Roxanne, I know that you didn't mean to offend me. It wasn't you who offended me, I just needed to say my piece to everyone out there. They needed to hear the story from this side of the fence. I'm not mad, actually I'm glad to have this opportunity to share. If any of you judge me for the decisions we have made, I'm sorry for you. We lost our little boy, I feel that emptiness every day...there is no denying that. The gates are open, feel free to ask me any questions you have about this. I have cleared the air and would prefer that you ask questions, rather than judge me.