Well, I continue to POAS and try to figure out when I am O'ing. This TTC thing is way more tricky than I ever imagined. It seems funny to me that so many people have unplanned pregnancies...it seems impossible to make it happen when we ARE planning. Makes me think that we should just relax (I know the infertiles HATE that term), have a glass of wine, listen to some great music and have occasional great sex. Or in my roommate from freshman year's case, get completely wasted at a frat party, have sex with my boyfriend of three months, and bam! she was prego. Completely unplanned and unwanted at the time. Fortunately for her, things have turned out great. They are happily married with three kids. Who knew?? I just feel so frustrated and pressured during this time. I just want to time everything just so. Of course, you can time everything to the tee and nothing happens. If only the control was in our hands. Ugh!! I do feel more relaxed this time around (or course 2WW is around the corner, that's usually when I crumble). We went golfing with friends yesterday and I had a beer. DH was upset because I was drinking while were TTC. Note: this was one beer. While I appreciate his concern, the having of the beer is part of the part that I'm currently playing. You know the drill, the person who is trying to be non-chalant and just happens to get pregnant in the meantime. Yes, this is the same person who bought an OPK this week - I fell out of the role for a bit. (BTW - sorry to freak people out with the pics. I didn't even think about what people would automatically think! Maybe in a few weeks.)
So my best friend has officially gone off the pill. This is the person who was definately going to wait five or six years after marriage before even thinking of TTC. (They've been married three). The same one who thought I was crazy last August when we first started trying. Now her SIL is pregnant and of course I was pregnant earlier in the year. She says that it's all made her realize that life is too short and they can't wait until the stars are aligned before they TTC. Nice. But that makes me feel a whole new level of pressure. I feel like it's a race. I swear that if she gets pg before me, I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep being her friend. Of course that's going to happen...she'll get pregnant right away That's just my luck. She says they aren't going to TRY, just stop trying to not get pregnant. I'm not sure why this is, it's just hard for me to swallow. I was really upset when she told me. I tried to be excited for her and everything. But she's not even taking prenatal vitamins, for God's sake. She really is non-chalant and God will probably reward her for it. Why does he keep punishing me?
On the TTC front, we will BD again this morning and every day until my temp rises. Thanks to you all for your help with the OPK. Basically, there are no hard and fast guidelines that let me know that I have for sure ovulated. I was hoping that the OPK could narrow it down a little closer for me...and I guess it did.
Our EDD is coming up on June 12. I really do think it has helped to read about others here who have gone through it and survived. DH are going to plant a tree and have a private memorial where we say nice things. Then we are going to get in the car to drive to Indiana. That will be when I stew and stew and stew over the state of things. Hopefully we will have a good book on tape and I will knit. In some ways, I think it's a milestone to get past. We survive that and then maybe a new stage of healing will begin? If nothing else, it's a day of celebration for the son that we lost. I miss him dearly and feel his abscence every day. It's amazing how much I think about him. He is intertwined in my every thought.
About healing and grief...I never really experienced loss before this. I mean, my grandparents died when I was younger. One of my husband's volleyball players was killed in a car accident five years ago. But nothing has ever touched me this closely, never hit every nerve in my body. It's weird. I've never gone through it....so do I know that I'm grieving properly? Is there a proper way to grieve? Is there anything that I'm missing? I just try every day to put one foot in front of the other and honor my son in every way that I know how. Some days I do a good job of that (and even enjoy myself sometimes). Other days, I do a sucky job and I can't really function that well. I'm not sure what else to do. Sometimes I think, would it hurt so much and for so long if I didn't wallow in it all the time? Should I stop wallowing? I don't even know if those around me know that I'm wallowing. But most the time when the world is going on around me, I'm consumed with thoughts of Isaac. I'm functioning in life, but am I really? It's been over four months...will it get easier? Sometimes it is easier, but for some reason I think that I will always be consumed with his memory.
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5 comments:
Holly, you will ALWAYS be consumed with his memory, but it won't always be so hard. I think you are doing a wonderful job of grieving. You have to let yourself feel, and not run from it, and that means that you will have setbacks, and days when it feels like the day you lost him. It does get easier, the pain is always there, you will always miss him, and wonder what if, but you learn to LIVE with the pain. It's there, but its a dull ache, instead of the intense pain that it is now. You are doing all you can to remember him and keep his memory alive, and that is all you can do. (((((hugs))))) hoping this is your month. (and NOT your friend's, as mean as that sounds, but YOU deserve it first)
Yeah, you DO deserve it first. I hope your plan of pretending not to try really hard works. It makes sense to me. I mean to say, being drunk and totally unprepared seems as effective as clomid, so one beer might just nudge you over the line huh?
And also, 4 months isn't very long to think you should be starting to get over your son's loss. You are doing really well:)
regarding the beer, my son made it to 40 weeks, and his problems had nothing to do with what i drank before i realized i was pregnant (i was one of those just-not-trying-not-to-get-pregnant people at the time), which was a rather large quantity. that one beer will hurt no one.
i'm so glad you're having a service for isaac. the memorial we had for hans made grieving much easier, if it makes any sense. i feel certain you'll be able to turn a corner after you honor him in this way. i hope it goes well for you.
Hi Holly. You know, it's SO ironic you posted about these things because I was *just* thinking of ALL of these things today. Wow.
First, it sucks that those trying to get pregnant can't but those that are cannot. I think about it all the time. And I know trying to relax might help but still I can't do it.
Second, I don't think at all that having a beer is a problem - really. I know that person you're trying to be while out and not drinking will only bring more questions and more stress. I know many a people who had a few drinks before finding out they were pregnant and thier babies were fine.
Finally, for me, I know the due date was a HUGE milestone. It was so hard for me but some people don't have such a hard time with it. Just take the feelings the best you can and try to get through it. We got out of town for the week but returning home was so sad and that I had to deal with. I do feel differently now it's past.
Do what you feel in your heart is right to honor and remember Issac. I'm thinking of you and your dh.
Hugs to you.
Amanda
Hello:)
I just thought I would have a little peek at your chart and it looks like you have hit the target this month:) I will be thinking of you and hoping like crazy that this month will be the charm. Your bd schedule was exactly the same as ours this month and it worked for us. Here's hoping...!
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