Shower power

Well, I made it through my friend's shower on sunday. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't even really focus on myself, I was too busy running around trying to get everything just so for her. Honestly, I like my friend so much; I'm happy for her that she made it through her pregnancy unscathed thus far. As I've said before, it's the people that I don't know that are pg that I can't tolerate. For my little circle of friends, I have proved to be genuinely happy for them and hoping that their babies are healthy. I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone that I care about. I wonder what they think when they look at me? Probably pity. That seems to be the general consensus.

One of my friends had her baby. I'm going to visit her tomorrow...note I didn't say the baby. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it. I just wouldn't be right. I'm not ready. Probably won't be ready until my own child - despite the forced child holding of an older child a few weeks ago. This baby is a newborn...she is potentially the size, age, etc. at the exact same time that Isaac should be. Thankfully, my friend is so understanding. She actually mentioned the other day on the phone that it is probably bittersweet for us. She totally gets the fact that this is difficult for us and that we are meant to be right there with her. I appreciate that so much. She really is a great friend...she'll probably even understand that I don't want to hold her kid. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

I'm 4 DPO today and counting. No true signs of pregnancy yet. Boobs had a twinge of soreness yesterday, although any boob would be sore if you squeezed it hard enough. I've had an upset stomach - not like last time. More queasy, like I'm going to have diarrhea. Last time it felt like a vast emptiness that I just had to fill or I would be sick. I did smell the celery that my friend was eating today when I entered the room - and it was in a ziploc bag. Probably too soon to tell anything yet. I hate this time. The time that I will need to test, we'll be in Indiana. We're leaving on sunday to go to a conference. Conveniently, I'm also from Indiana. So, we are making a visit out of it. I guess we'll be staying in a hotel, so technically I could test. Ugh, I drive myself crazy.

EDD is on sunday. I'm a little nervous for the emotions that day may bring. More than anything, I miss what should have been immensely. Our Isaac is missing out on so much in life. He deserves better. He did deliver to me my first firefly of the summer last night. I was standing outside with the dog, enjoying the warm evening and the stars (we live in the country). Then the field next to our house lit up with them...sure maybe he didn't deliver them. But I like to think that he's sending me messages because I enjoyed that so much. He brings joy and sorrow to me every day.