Utter Chaos and Good Views

Naptime Redefined

2009-05-30T15:45:00.002-04:00

So I've been back to work this week after only 7 weeks of maternity leave. Needless to say, I've been exhausted. I tried to wean myself off of them during the last week of my maternity leave, of course that was without work. Let's just say that running around after fifth graders all week long during the day and then parenting (which entails playing, disciplining, talking, changing, reading to, and many other things) my two kids has got me a little run down. It is also the end of the year, and we have had three "end of the year" banquets/meals/picnics this week. My mom has been in town to watch the baby during the day. I've also been trying to exercise. A lot going on.
Back to the nap discussion...I was so looking forward to catching some sleep today during the kids' naps. I feel drugged, I'm so tired.
Anyway, I nurse my newborn to sleep at 12:45.
I put my three year old down for his nap at 1.
I bathe (imagine that, cleanliness) until 1:25. I lay down for a nap...aaaah.
1:32 (just as I was entering that relaxed state that leads to sleep) my cat jumps into bed and begins with his headbutt routine. By this, I mean that he walks straight into my face leading with his head and runs the entire length of his body. He does that nine straight times...sheez! Talk about a nap kill.
I throw him out of bed several times and finally convince him to snuggle with me when baby wakes up at 1:45. Naptime is not looking so promising, as she is wide awake and wants to coo with me. I really need this nap.
I lay her on her tummy and finally get her to sleep around 2:14.
I lay down and drift into dreamland at some point only to be awoken by the Fireman's Expo Siren demostration outside of my window (we live three blocks from the first station) at 3 o'clock.
Ugh. Forget it, both cats are in bed with me in addition to my newborn who has now been stirred by the sirens too. I'm just lucky that my three year old didn't wake up to add to the fun. I guess there's always tonight to catch up on sleep.

Here goes it...

2009-05-17T14:46:00.002-04:00

This is my first post in three years...wow. A lot has changed, much for the better. We are now on our second living child, new house, new jobs. At any rate, this blog has taken a new form. It used to be the place where I escaped my real life in order to deal with the loss of our first child. It then became the place where I hoped, worried, and planned for our second child with new friends that I had made in another world other than my reality. No one even knew about this blog, but now I'm ready to open up and share with the whole world. I am healed, happy, and ready to change this blog into what I always wanted. This blog is for my kids, hoping to share pics with friends and family here. So here goes it...wish me the best.

Still here

2006-06-19T15:03:00.000-04:00

Somehow, mommyhood has taken over my life. Considering that we don't have a computer at home for me to play on, I still have to sneak into my husband's office and get on his computer when he's not using it. Hence, my blogging has severely decreased...okay, let's be honest, it has dissapeared. I'm sorry for that, you all are in my thoughts. I have read all of your recent posts on your blogs (of course, I have missed all that has happened the past month). I'm sorry for all the sads and happy for all the goods. I've missed you guys! I promise, I'll be back to regular posting soon.

Some updates on the kid: being a mommy is the best thing ever. I'm loving "maternity" leave and getting to know this little guy. He is the best thing ever. We're really lucky to have a great baby. He eats well (he's 8.5 weeks and weighs 12pounds, 9ounces!) and sleeps well (even slept through the night the past three nights from 10pm-6am). In general, he has a great disposition. I'm lucky and completely smitten. I'll post new pics soon.

We got a new house - well, technically we have in a contract on both ends of the deal (buying and selling) that have been accepted. So assuming that all goes through with financing and inspections, we'll be moving July 28 into my dream home. Whoohoo! It's 101 years old and has been completely re-done. I love it.

I got a job teaching fifth grade next year at my school of choice. I"m pretty excited about that, a paycheck will be a nice change. I'll be teaching Language Arts and Science. Right up my alley, yay.

Okay, I need to get going. My computer time is limited. Just wanted to check in.

I feel like Gilligan

2006-05-09T17:25:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry for my abscence, but for once it was absolutely completely out of my control.

Devin is here...he is healthy and all is well. Born April 21, 2006 (only like 2% of babies are actually born on their due date - he's just like his father, on time). 8 pounds, 12 ounces and 23 1/4 inches long (big baby).

I had a fever during labor (ended up with a c-section after 2 1/2 hours of pushing), so they did a spinal tap and blood draw on devin as soon as he was out of the womb. Turns out that he had an elevated white blood cell count in both spinal fluid and blood. They diagnosed it as meningitis....although the cultures from both the blood and spinal fluid grew nothing. For precautionary sake, the standard course of treatment was 2 weeks of antibiotics via IV. That's where Gilligan comes in, we went into the hospital expecting a smooth delivery and recovery. It ended up being the three hour tour that never ended! We got home on Saturday and I have been cooped up ever since then. Today is my first day out...yahoo! I could check the blog, but the hospital computer wouldn't let me post. I'm sorry to keep you all hanging!! If I could figure out how, I woudl post pics. We'll see what I can muster here soon.

I hope all is well in blogland. Will check in soon now that we're home. Thanks for your concerns!!

Two violations and still nothing

2006-04-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

The membranes have now been stripped twice and still nothing...although today is a full moon and I'm hopeful of a delivery. Just wanted to update you all. I need to go walk for now. I'm miserable.

The 10 pound turkey

2006-04-03T14:16:00.000-04:00

So at the US last week, it was confirmed. We are going to have a big baby. I knew this was a possiblity, DH and I both have a family history of big babies. DH was 8pounds, 2ounces...I was 8pounds, 8ounces. I was just hoping to avoid that. It appears that is not the case, last week at 36W, 4D the baby measured 8 pounds, 5ounces on US. Needless to say, we still have three weeks left. Oh my God! I have to get this baby out of me. Tomorrow morning, they are going to strip my membranes in hopes to stir things up. I'm hoping this will start the labor process and I'll be holding our new baby boy by this time next week. Wish us luck. Cervix was favorable, anterior, soft, 25% effaced last week. I've been walking and bouncing on the birthing ball in hopes to progress things along. We'll know more tomorrow. I still feel him in my ribs alot, so I'm thinking he hasn't dropped yet. He is head down, thankfully. Okay, I'm hot and tired. I need to go put my feet up. We went to a wedding in DC this weekend and I still haven't recovered.

I am a sucky blogger

2006-03-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

That's the absolute truth...all is fine here. I'm sorry to give anyone a scare. Really, we are so lucky that we have such a great support system. I'm sorry for not being supportive lately. The truth is that my computer time is so limited, by the time that I check email there is no time left for blogger. Also, I'm hesitant to log into my blog page on random computers for fear of weirdo lurkers who I actually know. So, I only log onto the blog on DH's computer. Also, I'm sort of enjoying the bliss of zoning out and not really trying to think about the emotions I'm having. And I'm tired. So there, that's my lamo list of why I'm a sucky blogger. I'm going to try to be better....I think I said that a month ago.

Things here are fine. I'm still ticking along, just got done swimming. Baby is moving plenty and obviously growing by the size of my belly. Our next appt. and US are on March 28. I can't believe I am in the home stretch here...almost 36 weeks. Wow.

Okay, I need to go explore your all's blogs before I head home. Will try to do a better job of checking in. :)

Still ticking...

2006-02-14T12:17:00.000-05:00

Both me and the baby, that is. Sorry to be MIA. I think I'm depressed or something. I don't really feel depressed, I just feel very distracted and can't make myself sit down long enough to enter a blog entry. What is the deal with that? I have all sorts of things to write about...just no energy and what feels like no time to write them. Ugh. I need to pull my head out.

Let's see, quick update....
*I failed my one hour glucose test, changed my diet a bit (cut down to one sweet a day and drank my juice at 10:30am instead of first thing) and stepped up the exercise. Passed the three hour glucose test. So all is well, the doc recommends keeping the changes that I made. I can live with that.
*Baby is moving like crazy lately. That's a good sign...I was worried there for a while. He must be getting so big in there. It seems hard to believe that a 3+ pound and 17+ inch baby is living in my belly. I love this time of bonding and must say that I really am enjoying being pregnant.
*I forgot to mention that I do hate feeling like a beached whale. I'm really not that big, but Devin is right in my ribs and riding very high. Makes bending over very difficult. Also feels like I can't breathe all day long.
*Nursery is completed...I love it, love it, love it. If I ever get the time and energy, I will post pics.
*First baby shower this weekend. I'm so excited. The next shower will be next weekend - it's all just so fun to think about. I'm really feeling pretty excited and optimistic about this baby most of the time.
*I hate blogger...the past three times I've tried to post it's had difficulties and just now came on saying that it may lose unsaved posts because it's having trouble staying connected. Grrrr. I'm thinking of making a new blog page for Devin after he is born. That way I can share with you all and also share with my family. They know nothing about this blog page, not that I say anything that racy. I just like the freedom of posting my thoughts without anyone from the real world reading them. I'm going to make the new blog page on typepad, I think. Any thoughts on that?
*I've been watching the winter olympics....I'm trying to like them. I just don't understand most of the sports. I mean, can you really call Curling a sport? It seems mostly like lots of talking, strategizing, and some luck. I don't know....
*Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. DH and I are going to the Duke basketball game tonight. A life long dream of my husband's - I hope we have fun. We got the tickets for free from his boss, love that! I need to go for now, we have a drive in front of us to get to the game. Hoping to get there in time to walk around and see the campus. Maybe Devin will go there someday...

The Child has a name...

2006-01-14T12:28:00.000-05:00

Devin Lee S-----

It's weird, but I fear that now that he has a name that increases the chances we will lose him. Is that insane? Not to mention that he is a very mellow baby - seriously, pretty quiet most of the day. He moves a lot at night time. I can't decide if it's that he's not moving or I'm not paying attention or maybe I'm just not good at recognizing the "rolls" and "shifts" that are more present now, as opposed to the blunt kicks. I'm such a paranoid freak, we went to the hospital a week ago because I was sure something was wrong with him. I hadn't felt much movement in the previous four days, I'd felt some. Anyway, they hooked me up to the monitor and all was well in there. His heartbeat was in the 140's and he was movin' and a shakin' in there. I just wish that I knew what was going on in there. It's hard to relinquish the control. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...it all seems too good to be true. I mean...I'm 26 weeks, taking baby class, registered for gifts, planning showers, getting the nursery ready, reading everything about baby care and breastfeeding that I can get my hands on...yet it all feels like I'm playing pretend. The fact that we could actually bring this baby home amazes me, not to mention that if we did lose this baby I would be devastated. Crushed. I don't know if I could go through another late loss. We call this baby by name and I eagerly await it's every move. I have hopes and dreams for this kid, as I did with Isaac. I just want them to come true. My dreams are nothing that grandiose...you know, be born, be healthy, get to go to school one day, play basketball with his dad. He could be a janitor for all I care...so long as he is alive and kicking. I don't know. I suppose that's why I've been avoiding blogging. It should be a time of sharing all that is going on with me, instead I feel like it's just a time of fear. I fear everything, I'm a basketcase. Blogging only makes me face those fears, to name them and write about them. That's a difficult thing to do. Every day, I sigh with relief that we've made it through another day (while in the back of my mind I'm freaking out because he's a mellow baby and he's not squirming inside of me). I just wish I could fast forward, so that I would know how things turn out. Only that's not possible, so I just trudge through each day...hoping for the best. We have another appointment next week, Jan. 24. I'm going to be so daring as asking the doctors about hospital procedures, travelling in labor (hospital is an hour away), pain relief options, breastfeeding after birth, maybe even touring the hospital. I need the info at some point, I might as well go out on a limb now. Sometimes I get so pissed at myself, why can't I just relax and enjoy this pregnancy? Why do I second guess every single thing? I'm just making myself miserable. All part of the game, I guess.

My little night owl

2005-12-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

It seems like forever since I've posted. I got caught in the whirlwind of the holidays, it was a good holiday overall. Although to be honest, both DH and I wished that Isaac could have been there with us. It's so bitter sweet, as ever mother who moves on after a loss must feel, that we wouldn't have this baby if we had Isaac. But we both ache and long for Isaac to be with us during these special times. It sort of felt empty, although sort of didn't. We both bought presents and exchanged them for this baby. We also bought an angel for Isaac. He'll always be with us.

Tomorrow, we are painting the nursery. I'm so excited. That's the best xmas present of all, in my opinion. My mom and I are going to register while DH and dad paint the room. Pretty soon, it should look much closer to a nursery than the old "sports" paraphernalia room that it was. DH was sad to put all his junk away, but I've never been so happy to see it go!

In pregnancy news, I can officially no longer see my coochie. There isn't much room for me to bend over and I'm pretty uncomfortable while I'm sitting. I've gained 12 pounds and the belly is changing every day. It's weird. It's getting bigger as the clock ticks, I swear. I definately look pregnant now, rather than just chubbers. Sort of nice, actually. We had the 24 week appointment yesterday, everything was normal. Heartbeat fine, blood pressure fine, pulse fine, etc. These non-US appointments are sort of boring. I guess next time I'll have the one hour glucose test done at 28 weeks. They are no longer treating me as high risk, as the complications we had last time are not present this time. I just hope we get to have one more US before the pg is over. The little guy is a wiggle worm in there, DH can feel his kicks from the outside. I think this is going to be a big baby. DH and I are both big people, as far as our frame size goes. Hopefully healthy, that's all I care about. It seems like the kid falls asleep all day long and then wakes up right after dinner, then he's at it all night long until I wake up at 7. I sure hope he figures out his days and nights before he arrives in this world. I am NOT a night owl....hmmm.

Okay, I'm off to buy a glider. I'm so excited. This is all starting to seem real.

20w 5d

2005-12-08T18:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the landmark - 20w 5d...that is the point that we lost Isaac. We have passed that point, I wish I could breathe a little easier now. Tomorrow will be 21 weeks...we're registering for gifts, signing up for baby classes, working on the nursery. I don't know, part of me just feels like I'm playing pretend. I'm fearful to be optimistic....this kid deserves a little optimism, right? It all just seems so real, I mean it KNOW it's real (all too well). I guess I'm just afraid to get too attached, like anything can go wrong any time (which it can). It's just weird...I just want to be the happy, fearless pregnant woman. That couldn't be further from the truth.

On a fun note, we were at the men's basketball game of the university where DH works last night and this baby was going crazy. It was a really close game and both sets of fans were really loud, the cheerleaders were loud, and of course the game was loud. I guess it just made him want to squirm...maybe we have a basketball player inside. Who knows?

Boy Wonder

2005-12-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

No time to really post right now...I've become a sucky blogger. Between not having a computer at my fingertips all day long and being tired/sick/etc. with pregnancy, blogging has gone by the wayside. Not that I don't enjoy it or that I don't think about the other bloggers out there and how they're doing - I just don't have the same time to do it that I used to.

We DID have the Level II US on Thursday - all is clear. Healthy baby boy inside, all measurements were good. He has long legs (like his daddy) and seems to be pretty content in there. Such a good feeling to know that all is well in there. I'm feeling him move so much more now too, amazing what difference a few days can make.

So all is well from this lousy blogger. Hope you're all doing well. More soon, promise.

The butterflies in my belly

2005-11-26T09:37:00.000-05:00

It was a good thanksgiving...not too stressful. Of course, there was good food and great times with my family. I'm pretty happy that I don't have the disfunction dreads that some families have. It's usually just my sister's family and DH and I. I'm thankful for many things...I'm healthy, we have a pretty nice house, great pets, enough money, etc. One thing that I'm not thankful for this year is that we lost Isaac. I would have loved to have him at this thanksgiving celebration. I sort of think it was at the back of everyone's mind. I will always wish he was here with us.

As for this pregnancy and the new baby, things seem to be fine. I think I've felt a few little flutters. Definately two different times have I felt movement. I have my 20 week appt. on Tuesday and the big US on Dec. 1. These next few days are going to crawl by, I just know it. To help make the time go faster, we are trying to keep busy. I'm excited, we are going to the Washington Redskins game tomorrow with our friends. I could care less about either team (I'm a Colts fan), but it will hopefully be fun.

Hope you all had a good turkey day.

Another hurdle we have crossed

2005-11-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

FYI...all was well with the NT scan and the quad screen. We have breathed a sigh of relief...for now. Now I am anxiously awaiting my first swift kick from this little one. I need to run...the end of a long day. Hope all is well in blogland.

New Territory

2005-11-07T15:57:00.000-05:00

It seems I have reached a new stage of my "healing" process...people are now feeling more comfortable asking me about what exactly happened. I sort of enjoy the new found freedom to talk about the child that everyone was afraid to ask about for so long. I think of him all the time, to talk about him isn't hard for me. But I've noticed it's hard for others to hear. Several people have cried while I was talking to them, while my tear ducts are nearly dry. I'm okay with that, let them be uncomfortable for a while.

We still haven't told anyone about this pregnancy. It's getting hard to hide, as I'm in maternity clothes. I don't really look pregnant just yet, mostly I look fat. We have our big US on December 1. If we get the green light, we'll tell everyone after that. Part of me can't wait to enjoy and share this happiness with everyone. So far, we've only told my mom and Bryan's dad. While they were overjoyed, I want to share the news with everyone. I just hope that all is well in there and we don't have to face the same music we did last time.

I had the quad screen done and the second stage of the NT-fold test last week. I'm thinking we'll get our results today. Keep your fingers crossed and say a silent prayer for us. Gotta run for now.

Drano Test

2005-11-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

Just had to report that I did the Drano test last night....it said girl. We'll see.

Feeling much better here. I'm a little overwhelmed with work, but overall I'm doing well. I've had absolutely no time to get to the computer this week. Hope all is well in blogland. I can't believe I'm 16 weeks pregnant.

On a side note, today is my birthday. I'm 30. Weird. A whole new decade, I hope it is a decade of good things to come.

The whirlwind that is my life right now...

2005-10-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

While I have to say that I think I'm finally over the pregnancy poo...I now have a sinus infection and a deep chest cold. Wonderful. Needless to say, running to the computer has been the least of my worries this week. sorry to leave you hanging. This new illness is in addition to having the stomach flew on Sunday/Monday of this week. What the hell...I had a flu shot. Where is this coming from? I can only hope that the baby is alright in there, just along for the ride and hopefully not noticing that it's mother wishes she could go to bed for the next two weeks and never get out. Because I've been sick, I had to go to the pharmacy to get meds. Of course, I was worried about taking anything that would harm the baby. I made mention of last time I was pregnant I took this...eventually this led to chit chat with the pharmacist of "how old is your other child?" For the first time in a while, I had to break the news to someone "he died". It was weird. it's like you're making forward progress and then something makes you stop in your tracks. Now I can't stop thinking about Isaac....and how guilty I feel that we're having another baby. I had a dream last night that this baby was a boy and I was so dissapointed. I'm not sure, I just feel like Isaac is my little boy. It seems weird to think there might be another one.

Anyway, I'm still under the weather so I'm going to go. Just wanted to share my ramblings.

Poooo

2005-10-18T16:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, I"m going to complain here. I feel like poo every day and I'm tired of it. I know I should just grin and bear it, but I'm just tired of never feeling well. I haven't vomited, so I can't really complain (as I know some of you can't keep anything down). But I never feel good....I'm almost 14 weeks here, is there an end in sight? Ugh. I gotta go.

Tiny Dancer

2005-10-13T08:03:00.000-04:00

Not to worry....all is well with the little one. I just haven't had a chance to sit down at the computer - you guys are awesome for your support. I say one because we didn't find out the sex. Tech said she wouldn't even attempt to guess this early. I measured 13W3D on Tuesday and I was actually 12 W 4D. The doc says that big is good. The measurements they were taking (neuchal translucency fold) all seemed to be in normal limits. We will find out the final results in a few weeks. But that little bug was just a dancing in there. It was so cute. It wouldn't turn around, so we spent almost the entire ultrasound looking at a silhouette of it's backside. We did get one profile shot and things seemed to look good. She said it was too early to look at the brain or other organs. Heart rate was 156. I'll take it, I'm just so happy that it seemed to go well. My next US is not until 20 weeks - December 1. Ugh. That seems like forever, but I"m just going to ride this high out a little longer. Thanks for all of your concerns!

T minus 39 hours and counting

2005-10-09T17:31:00.000-04:00

My next ultrasound is on Tuesday morning...I am a nervous wreck. I just want everything to be alright. I mean, I still feel pretty pregnant. You know, big boobs, nauseous, belly getting bigger. But there really is no way to know for sure...it could all be in my head. Not to mention, that I could still be pregnant and something could be really wrong with our baby. Okay, let's be honest. This could be a textbook pregnancy, I make it to D-day and something can still go wrong. The reality of that is just really heavy to face. I'm trying to focus on the good things and hope for the best. Do you think that assuming everything is alright, that they'll be able to tell the sex at 12 w 5 d? I'm seriously doubting it, but I'm hopeful. I've finally talked Bryan into finding out. Now I just want to be assured that everything is alright and what the sex of this child is.

Let's see what else...I've still been feeling pretty pukey. It never fails, I manage to fill myself up with complete crap all day long and then pay for it around bedtime. Take today, for example. I walk into this office to get onto the computer and the candy gods have placed a tub of all of my halloween favorites out. No one is around...I can't help but raid the candy. I have eaten two tootsie rolls (one cherry flavored) and two mini boxes of DOTS. Mmmmm....now I'll feel like crap tonight at about 9pm. Without fail, this happens to me every day in some fashion or another. if only I could make good choices about what I eat...every day...at every meal. That's really a lot to ask. I'm trying to do the best that I can.

My boobs are still huge and tender. My belly is starting to make my bikini underwear roll down. that drives me crazy. Nothing makes me feel more like a whale than when my freaking underwear won't stay up because my fat roll is pushing them down. Ugh.

I swam for an hour today. It felt great. I'm going to try to do this again a few more times this week.

That's all for now. I need a new look for this blog. I"m not sure how that works, though. Do I have to cut and paste my entire blogroll? Ugh.

Where the reality of it all just smacks you in the face..

2005-10-04T15:57:00.000-04:00

I am so sad, I have been taking a break from blogging because I have no computer and I've been so busy...only to return and find out that Laura and Justin have lost the tadpole. I don't know, it all just seems so much more real now. I've been allowing myself to visit my personal lala land, where I pretend that all is well and we might actually have this baby. But you know, you just never know. How much more is going to be thrown their way, it's just not fair. I'm so sorry for them and their loss.

I am Pamela Anderson

2005-09-25T11:50:00.000-04:00

Okay...not really. I don't have any wild, crazy sex stories, I'm not that skinny, and MY boobs are real. But I feel like my boobs are as big and rotund as hers are. They are so big and thick, I feel like they are silicone. Ugh. And my belly continues to grow. What do they call "popping"? Because I think I might have done that this weekend. It's just that now I look fatter and can't suck it in. Also, I can pretty clearly feel the outline of my uterus. Is that "popping"? Still feeling like poo most of the time...I let DH have his way with me this morning. It's just so different when you're pregnant. I feel fat and nasty and the last thing I want to do is get naked and roll around with another person. Ugh. But he seemed satisfied...we'll see if that can last him another three weeks. Probably not, considering he said that maybe we could do it again this afternoon....ha! What is he thinking? TMI...sorry.

Okay, I need to go grocery shopping and to buy something to settle my stomach down. We had Hardee's for breakfast...remind me not to do that again. Fried food doesn't sit well with me. On that note, most food (especially if I have been the one to prepare it) doesn't sit well with me. I wish that DH would agree to eat cereal every night for dinner. Ugh. He did offer to cook one night this week. I'll be eating cereal that night.

On a side note, I think my mom and I may start our own little side business. We're going to sew cute, trendy, preppy tote bags to sell. I'll post some pics once we get some samples made. We'll see where this goes. We're going shopping for fabric in Charlottesville next week. I'm actually excited about something!

10 weeks

2005-09-23T07:47:00.000-04:00

It seems impossible that I'm 10 weeks pregnant. It also seems impossible that I have 30 more weeks of worrying like I have for the past 7. How will I make it? Ugh. I'm predicting a change over to maternity clothes here in the next 2 weeks. I'm getting thick around the middle. And I can't wait for our ultrasound on October 11. I might go crazy before then. I keep worrying that I'm just getting fatter because I'm eating more. And that I'm eating more because I just "think" I'm still pregnant. What if I've lost the baby and just don't know it yet. That's what keeps going through my mind. Ugh. Okay, school is about to start. Have a great weekend.

Update

2005-09-20T19:52:00.000-04:00

FF pisses me off...I just had to pay $17 bucks just to check the boards. I wouldn't mind, except one of my buddy groups is a major source of support. Hoenstly, there are so many free opportunities out there to share with other expecting moms. But there is only one group (that I know of) that offers the same support and has been through the same tough decisions that I have been through. I think we might move the buddy group....but I already shelled out the $$. I do have to say that I completely understand where FF is coming from, they offer such a service and I don't blame them for asking people to cough up some change. But I don't have any $$ right now to pay for a FF VIP membership...and for that same reason, I think they may lose customers. I think that is unfortunate, that is where I have found most of you all for goodness sake. And what would I do without the support of the people here?? Not to mention how many other people who are turning away - the support network will probably crumble. I guess we'll see.

Lance Armstrong got engaged to Sheryl Crow. I watched Oprah today and it brought tears to my eyes. I must still be pregnant, I cry at the drop of a hat. I actually had an all out bawling episode last night while I was walking the dog. I guess you could say that I feel guilty. I just wish that Isaac was here with us and I feel guilty that I'm so excited for this other baby. Then I feel guilty that if we had Isaac, there wouldn't be any other baby. Where would that leave us then? I don't know, I've been trying to talk to Isaac every day and get every emotion out that I'm feeling. I can't stand to keep it bottled up.

As for pregnancy symptoms, they're dwindling. Last week, my boobs were huge and sore. Now either I've gotten used to them or maybe they're not as big? And they're definately not as sore. I still have terrible gas, but how do I know that's not from what I ate last night? I'm definately still nauseous/hungry feeling sometimes, but I just keep thinkiong something is wrong. I don't know, it's like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've heard other people in the same situation say the same thing, but I never understood it until now. My cat jumped on my belly this weekend, I hope that nothing is wrong now. He landed right where the baby could have been. I'm just trying to count on the fact that there's lots of padding in there on the outside and also in the inside...but I'm still a nervous wreck. This entire pregnancy is going to be this way and I think I might go crazy.

Okay, I need to go for now. My computer time is up :( I'll check in soon.

Still preggars

2005-09-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while...this damn no computer thing is going to kill me, I swear. I have to sneak into my husband's office and can't always get over here. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm still chugging along here. I woke up 5 (yes 5) times last night to pee while attempting to sleep. Needless to say, I'm exhausted today. About to go home and take a nap. Still feeling nauseous in addition to the cold that I'm nursing right now - I spent the entire weekend in bed while FIL visited. Totally cold related, not pregnancy related...so no need to spill the beans to him. Thank goodness. I think I need to stop eating salads at lunch. They're not sitting too well with me this week. I need something hearty like a turkey sub every day. Maybe DH would deliver one every day to school...or not. My tatas are enormous - I started out a 38D, so you can use your imagination. I swear they both weigh 20 pounds apiece!

Alrighty, I need to get going. I need to go lay down. I feel so lame that my posts have been so short lately. Honestly, it's all that I can muster right now. Hoping to be feeling better soon and able to devote a little more energy and time at the computer!

Lions and tigers and bears...oh my!

2005-09-08T16:37:00.000-04:00

I wish that I had a great, inspirational post for today. Unfortunately, I'm exhausted and no assembled thoughts are coming out of my head. I'm feeling good today, which is good because yesterday I thought I would die. I never threw up, but felt as though something was going to blow from one end or the other. Have you ever heard of pregnant women having problems with their bowels? I wouldn't exactly call it diarrhea - I went twice yesterday. But I feel like my stomach and bowels are going to implode. Is that morning sickness? I also have the whole nauseous, feel like I'm going to spit up at all times thing going too. It's hard to know what is and is not associated to pregnancy. I thought maybe I ate something bad. I have no idea. This pregnancy is definately different than the last, maybe it's a girl this time. Or maybe that is a sign that things are different (ie. better)? Just playing guessing games with myself here. I'm chugging and plugging every day, I can't believe that I will be 8 weeks tomorrow. I've known I was pregnant for five weeks now...that seems unreal. What seems even more unreal is that we have 32 more weeks to go. Ugh.

Non-pregnancy related...I saw a black bear this morning. I shit you not, there was a black bear in the middle of my road this morning. It was foggy and at first I thought it was a big dog. Nope, when I honked my horn the bear turned to look at me and was clearly a bear. It was no bigger than a great dane (fluffier, but not bigger). It then ran down for about a quarter of a mile and I proceeded to drive after it in bewilderment. Finally, (as a grand finale) it jumped up onto a five foot tall fence post as easily as my cat does. Steadied itself on top of the fence post with all fours, then lept over the other side. It trotted through the pasture toward the woods. I can't believe I saw a freaking bear - maybe there was some sort of drug in my cereal this morning! I've lived in VA for 7 years now...this is my first bear! Sort of exciting.

Shortly after the bear sighting, my car started acting funny. Long story short, I ended up being towed into town. Luckily a policeman passed by only five minutes after my car stopped working. My radiator has to be replaced...it could be Monday before it's finished. Ugh. That means that DH and I are carpooling. There goes my freedom!

I've been thinking a lot about Isaac this past week. We shared his picture book with MIL when she was here last weekend. This is her first visit in two years. DH says we should get them out more often to look at them. We will have to make a point to do so...I never want his memory to fade.

Things that make me want to vomit

2005-09-03T10:54:00.000-04:00

** My B complex vitamin
** The potroast that I made for dinner last night
** The chicken casserole that I made the night before
** The smell of the cafeteria at school

My boobs have grown so big in the last two days. I"m not sure where they came from, but they have arrived! Funny, they never even really hurt that much.

DH and I talked again last night. We're going to have to take this day by day and I'm going to have to work to be more understanding of his point of view. It's just so hard to know how to act or what to think.

Okay, I need to go for now. MIL is coming for the weekend!

My checklist...

2005-09-02T16:43:00.000-04:00

Baby...check
Size of baby on target....check
Heartbeat...check

How do you describe the feeling of relief that comes over you when you hear this news. Heartrate was 138 BPM, I even got to hear it. Technology is amazing. My baby is the size of an appleseed, yet I can hear the little nugget's heart beating. The baby measured 6W6D exactly, which is exactly where I was yesterday. Everything looks good...for now. I'm so relieved. Although DH and I had a sobering conversation last night about the difference between our outlooks on this new bambino. He is having a hard time being excited. I don't blame him, but I don't want to cheat this baby either. I think it deserves the same love, happiness, and anticipation that Isaac got. It's hard for Bryan to hear about how this baby is changing and what is new with this baby. I am trying to do just he opposite. This is so hard....I thought this would be the good part.

Okay, I'm off now to stuff my face and worry about the next thing that might go wrong with our baby.

Forgot to mention

2005-08-31T17:10:00.000-04:00

that I just ate a double decker taco from Taco Bell. I can't believe the crap I am willing to eat while pregnant. I'm just so dang hungry all the time. Also, I didn't mean to unload about taking belly pics. I'm glad that people are happy and optimistic, I was just tired last time I wrote. And I haven't taken any belly pics. Although I must admit that the area of my uterus has gotten much more firm the past few days. Maybe that's a sign of future things to come...

And I thought I had grown more popular...

2005-08-31T16:58:00.000-04:00

only to be dissapointed by the spammers. I mean seriously, do they really need to start on blogs now? This is so frustrating. Laura - can you let me know how to set up the screeny thingy? I'm computer illiterate when it comes to that stuff. I can't believe they got me...I think they have gotten frustrated with your all's sites and decided to check mine out. Damn!!

The appointment went fine...sort of pointless. I mean, I had just been there three weeks ago for my yearly pap. So, they didn't need to do a pelvic or breast exam. Mostly, they just took my blood and talked to me. They did rest my mind about some stuff...my doc seems very optimistic that this baby should not suffer from ABS. That is not to say that something else might not happen to it. But he did ease my anxiety some. My first US is tomorrow...I have to drive an hour back over the mountain. Ugh. I hope it's worth it. Of course, Bryan has to work and can't get out of it. I'll be flying solo tomorrow - maybe I'll see if my mom wants to go with me. He did say that they would do more US screens and would encourage the neuchal fold test (sp?). What happened with Isaac wasn't chromosomal, but just to be on the safe side. He also said they would likely induce me according to our schedule so that we don't have to drive through the mountains of virginia in the middle of the night come April. All made me feel better. Now for tomorrow!

Okay, again, the computer time is limited and I"m tired. Will check in on Friday. Wish me luck!

Fat Nasty

2005-08-29T16:32:00.000-04:00

This is me...at least that's how I feel. Of course, I'm not THAT much fatter than I was three weeks ago before we found out our news. But I feel so bloated all day, every day. I feel like I've gained a ton of weight because my belly looks and feels so round. Of course I'm not stupid enough to think this is actually the baby - have you seen those people on FF? I can't believe people are already posting belly pics....they're six weeks for God's sake. But the bloat is going to get me in the end. I just wish that I could let a big old toot and feel so much better. I feel so unattractive and well, nasty. I hate it. Not that I'm complaining because I'll take all the symptoms with a healthy pregnancy. Sometimes it's just hard to keep on truckin' and not feel like doo.

I'm getting ancy to tell people our news. I know we'll wait a long time more before telling. But I'm excited and I think it will all feel more "real" if we told people.

My first doc appointment is tomorrow. I'm not sure that they'll do an US. I'm going to beg for one, of course. But I know that I am also having one at 12 weeks, so they may skip the 6 week US??? Ugh...this high risk thing is all new to me.

Okay, I'm exhausted. I need to go for now.

Quickie

2005-08-24T16:23:00.000-04:00

This has to be quick, as I am so exhausted after the first day of school. Let's see, what is interesting that I can share with you. I'm tired, did I mention that? I'm gassy. I'm sort of crummy feeling/nauseous all day long. And I'm tired...My boobs don't hurt, my sense of smell seems relatively unaffected by this pregnancy. I'm tired.

I'm convinced that I'm no longer pregnant. I had a dream the other night that I went to the bathroom, wiped, and immediately saw toiletpaper full of bright red blood. I was convinced the next morning that this baby was dead too. Is this going to go on the rest of this pregnancy? No blood or anything to convince me otherwise. What happened to the girl who was so optimistic a few days ago? I guess I have kicked her to the curb for now. I'm just convinced that something is going to go wrong. I hate this and I'm not sure this pg thing is going to be so easy.

Okay, I need to go home and take a nap. I'm tired.

2005-08-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

I can't even post right now because I'm so dang tired. Today was the first full teacher workday....in which I proceeded to get so nauseated during planning at 10am that I had to excuse myself to go get a granola bar. Did I mention that I also yawned about 153 times during that planning meeting? Nice. It was my first full day, so I told my supervising teacher the news. Not something that I planned to share so soon, but I don't want her to think that I'm rude and so bored that I can't stay awake. We'll see where that goes.

Okay, I need to go lay down.

"It" has hit me...

2005-08-17T11:45:00.000-04:00

62. I am a personal trainer
63. I hate snowball fights
64. I have been scuba diving, rock climbing, parasailing, bungee jumping, and sky diving.
65. I am now afraid to ride roller coasters...what happened to me?
66. My favorite foods are probably pizza and icecream.
67. I don't think I have a favorite color. It used to be green, but now I love all color.
68. I am hypothyroid.

Of course I thought of these after I posted yesterday.

Today was my first day at school. I love my supervising teacher. She has been teaching for 40 years. I have so much to learn from her...she's so good that the local coffee shop has a blend named after her. Imagine! I will go back on friday for my first "official" day. That will be a whole day affair. Of course, next week we are back at it again. The students report next Wednesday! I really can't wait, this is something that we have been planning for so long.

Honestly, we have completely changed the face of my life...all for the life growing inside of me. Actually, we changed it all for Isaac. But now I have been forced to change my focus to this little one inside. Not that I have forgotten Isaac, if anything pregnancy has made me reflect more on his brief life inside my body. I can't stop thinking of him and how things were last time. But I have been way more calm than I would have thought. I guess that I'm subscribing to the thought that if something is wrong right now, I can't change it. I am being the best mom that I can be in trying to exercise, eat well, get lots of sleep, etc. I just have to trust in that. It's not that I'm not worrying at all or that nothing at all might happen. Just that I realize that I am not the one in control. That's been sort of good for me. God has a plan, I and the baby inside of me are just a small part of that. I'm at peace with that. I also feel at peace with the place where we are right now....the next chapter. I am ready for this next child. So is Bryan. He kisses my belly each morning before he leaves and each day when he returns from work. I love it. I think he definately feels more of a connection to this baby, earlier than he did with Isaac. He thinks it's going to be a girl. Either way, he is so excited. I love this part...

As for how I'm feeling...pretty good. I've been very gassy and extremely tired. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through full days of school next week. I was only there for about three hours yesterday and I took a 1 1/2 hour nap when I got home! And of course I'm starving. I actually cut my workout short today because I need to get some food in my belly ASAP. Starting to feel nauseous. It seems like whatever I eat, I am filled up like a hot air balloon with gas. Pleasant thought, I know. That's me in a nutshell, pretty classic pg symptoms, I guess. That's good, keep 'em coming!

The Truth Hurts

2005-08-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

This is my 100th post. It's amazing, I'm proud of myself. You should be proud of me too. Think of how far I've come, right here on this little blog. In honor of this milestone, I've made a list of the 61 (I tried for 100, but couldn't think of that many) most fascinating things about me. Here goes....

61. I love the sunshine - I know it's bad for you. But the lifeguard in me doesn't care.
60. When I was little, I thought I would swim in the Seoul Olympics in 1988.
59. I love anything chocolate.
58. I wish there was one thing in life that I was amazing at.
57. I have been to a Whitney Houston concert.
56. I'm addicted to fertilityfriend.
55. My step-mom once kidnapped me - my mom had no idea where I was when she went to pick me up from school.
54. I read the last page of a book before I'm finished.
53. I knit.
52. I used to be in the Mr. T fanclub.
51. I am now pro-choice.
50. I have terrible balance
49. When I was little, I called boy's privates winkys.
48. I called girls privates purpers.
47. I hate it when people wear socks with sandles.
46. I love cheesy movies - Shag, Grease, Little Mermaid, Wizard of Oz.
45. I was date raped in college.
44. I wish I was eight again.
43. I go to bed at 10pm sharp, every night (even most weekends).
42. I hate to be cold more than anything in life.
41. I cus like a sailor.
40. I used to call my baby blanket my kiki.
39. I love all living things, even earth worms and spiders.
38. I've never been to jail.
37. My step-brother used to spy on me while I was in the bath with a mirror under the door.
36. My mom is my hero.
35. I don't love oral sex.
34. I like the Indianapolis Colts for no other reason than that they are from Indy.
33. I ran a triathlon. I will run another.
32. I'm astranged from my real father.
31. I think that everything happens for a reason.
30. I'm bad at snow skiing.
29. I hardly ever use butter or salt.
28. I love salsa and Mexican food - we eat it about 2-3 times per week.
27. If I were to be stranded on a deserted island with only one CD, I would take Journey's Greatest Hits.
26. I pick my face.
25. Rum is my favorite liquor.
24. I love sushi.
23. I once cheated on a test in college.
22. I've met Charles Barkley and Rick Mahorn.
21. Strange I know, but I can lick my own nipple.
20. There is nothing like Mexico for a fun-drinks vacation.
19. I used to shoplift (nothing major) - I was in junior high.
18. I'm afraid of death.
17. I'm very right hand dominant.
16. I can't tell east from west.
15. I love the Pat McGee Band.
14. I smoked a lot of pot in college...never anything else.
13. I once raised fruit flies for an experiment.
12. I love to take hot baths - while reading and drinking wine.
11. I lost my virginity at 18.
10. I had two serious boyfriends before my husband. They both cheated on me.
9. I have never cheated on my love.
8. I've made out with my best friend (she's a girl).
7. My dad was an alcoholic.
6. Men's lacrosse is my favorite spectator sport, Women's Volleyball is a close second.
5. I had severe mono in high school and almost didn't graduate.
4. I dissected a pigeon in my bathroom while I had mono, so that I could pass.
3. I have gained and lost and gained the same 20 pounds in the last year and a half.
2. I think my husband has a hot body.
1. My favorite song of all time is Jack and Diane by Johnny Cougar.

A very clear, thin, pink second line...

2005-08-10T10:27:00.000-04:00

was on the pregnancy test this morning. It's official, I'm pregnant. It feels weird to say it outloud...actually I haven't said it outloud yet. Just writing it seems weird. We aren't telling anyone, but Bryan and I couldn't be happier. I am so excited, I'm giddy.

Okay, I need to get off the computer for now. We definately need to get a laptop at home, I've been sneaking around people's cubicles who aren't here (at my old work) or trying to get on Bryan's while he is not in the office. It's getting old. My posts are short and choppy and I just don't appreciate that!

But all is well in the world, bloggers in my world have gotten some great news of late! Congrats to Laura, Sara, and Amanda...and of course me. This is truly amazing!

Update

2005-08-08T16:42:00.000-04:00

Still no AF...pg test was faintly positive this morning. Planning to take another tomorrow morning. Going to call for another beta tomorrow...it's such a pain in the ass to call the OB. Still feeling a little nauseous, crampy, and boobs hurt. That's it for now.

_______________________________

So we went to a wedding this weekend. I was the DD, but it was a great time. I should say that because I was the DD, everyone else had an even better time. DH managed to get completely obliterated, which was both fun and a pain in the ass. But DH did reveal many feelings that he has been having about the "next" baby. I should say that he adorable because he is so excited. I just hope this sticks. He wanted desperately in his state on Saturday to just tell someone, anyone, that we might be pg. But we plan to wait. He did say that he was sad that we didn't just have Isaac and that he hoped the next one would be a boy. I just want healthy...but understand his desire for a boy.

Alright, I'm out. I need to get my own computer.

I have a secret...

2005-08-05T17:11:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard of "a little pregnant"? That's what the tech said...HCG of 4 at 8 DPO (although I think FF is wrong, I had a temp jump after I drank one night and FF called it O. I think I'm actually 6 DPO). I'm freaking out. I think I'll wait to celebrate until after I'm late. Just wanted to share. I'm doing a happy dance inside, though!

I heart my (new) OB

2005-08-04T17:57:00.000-04:00

The appt. went very well. She's checking my progesterone level via 21 day progesterone level check. We'll see from there about how it looks. She also ordered a blood pg test because I've been very tired and sort of nauseous the past two days. Anyway, the entire experience was very good. All the nurses were nice, loved the OB. All is great in the world. The only bad part is that I saw the doc who delivered Isaac, I don't love her. She sucked, as a matter of fact. I didn't have to talk to her though. I'm going to have to try to remember her name, as to avoid getting her in the future. Oh and I bought a bunch of fun, new "school clothes" at Old Navy. Definately didn't have the $$ for that, but I need nes dress clothes. So good things today!

OMG...I think I have a stalker

2005-08-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

Seriously. Last night at about 1:45am my phone rang. Caller ID said Private Number, but anytime that anyone calls in the middle of the night I'm always worried that it's something important and that something is wrong. So, I pick up the phone. A man slurs my name, I say "excuse me?" The man slurs my name again. I say "Yes?" The man slurs and says, "I just wanted to tell you, every time I see you you give me the biggest hard-on." Mind you he's slurring, so I say, "excuse me"? Man repeats himself (slurring, although a little more clear this time). Freaked out, I say "Are you freaking kidding me?" and hang up. the man calls right back. I should interject here that my car was the only one in the driveway - we left DH's in town last night to save gas. I think he thought I was home alone - why else would he call back? Anyway, second time I let DH answer and they eventually hung up. I am freaked out. The scary thing is that I am home alone a lot. What if he gets me? Weird.

I have a long post planned for later on that tells all about my day at my friend's house. Very interesting. My baggage continues to follow me...keep posted.

Dividing Lines

2005-08-03T09:58:00.000-04:00

So I've been watching a lot of baby story and birth day at home...now that I'm unemployed apparently I have turned into a couch potato. I personally see it as progress that I can watch these shows. I couldn't watch them for the longest time. But yesterday, I was watching and this woman's story really got to me. I was crying out of nowhere. I guess it was just her emotion at being a mother, something that I have felt in a strange fashion. But it really hit a cord...most of the time it doesn't. Anyway, on another episode, this woman was birthing at a birthing center, rather than a hospital. They were interviewing the director of the birthing center and she kept saying that "Birthing centers are for normal women and normal births". Basically that anyone who has high risk or abnormal history shouldn't birth in a birthing center. Which I knew. But it started me thinking about what that means exactly. It means that we are abnormal. I don't have the option to go try the bradley method at some naturalistic place. Nope, it's me and the high risk docs...having a ball with monitors and such in the hospital...that has a NICU (just in case). It sort of sucks. Not to mention that I've realized that I am the friend with baggage. Any friends that I have currently have had to deal with me and my moods and this whole progression of emotion and grief. That's a lot to ask of a friend. I'm thankful for the ones who have stuck with me. But I wonder if they look on me as the one with baggage? Will I carry the same baggage to any new friendships that I make? Probably. I'm a changed person...my son is part of who I am now. Take it or leave it, I guess.
____________________________________________

On a different note, I've been keeping very busy. I'm driving myself crazy at the lack of access to a computer now that I have quit my job. It's very frustrating to try to work myself into my husband's office to sneak on the computer when he's working out. I have no real control here. We desperately need a computer at home, but of course given the fact that I'm not working we can't afford it. I'm nearly finished with my coursework for student teaching. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my back and I want to throw a party. (note: see previous comment about having no cash).
I do have some fun events planned for the next few days to keep me busy during the 2WW:

Wednesday - visit to friends house to lay out and play with the dogs while the boys play golf. We will then go out to dinner. It would be way more fun if I could have a cocktail while laying out.
Thursday - Have to go to UVA for OB appointment. Anxiously awaiting this to see what I can swindle her into doing for me.
Friday - Mom coming to visit for lunch and hanging out. Maybe we'll go to the pool if it's hot.
Saturday - friend's wedding (lots of other friends are invited...should be fun!)
Sunday - Concert with one of my favorite live bands Eddie From Ohio.
Monday - FIL comes for a visit the entire week. Probably entails lots of golf and eating out.

Now that you have a rundown of my boring life and an idea of just how lame I am, I need to get off here. I need to get a little work done. I'm sad that summer is ending, it seems like it has whizzed by. It's been a good summer, though. Lots of QT with DH, which has been good for us. Okay, must run.

Glory Days

2005-08-01T17:19:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm pretty optimistic right now. I feel like this might be our month. Don't ask me why, we didn't do anything different. But I feel good right now, I'm going to gloat in it for a bit.

Tino (the cat) is out of the hospital. I should have been a vet, I would be making a whole lot more money. We pay a ton for the healthcare of our animals. But he's all better, severe bladder infection. Poor little guy was peeing blood this weekend. I feel bad for him.

Unemployment is pretty boring. I'm trying to hurry up to get all of my school work done before Friday when it's due. Of course, blogging isn't helping that. But it is warming up my mind to lots of typing...

Okay, I need to get busy.

2005-07-29T17:04:00.000-04:00

Sick Kitty...poor Tino is in the hospital. They think he might have kidney stones. :(

Six Months

2005-07-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

It's amazing it has been this long since we lost Isaac. We lost him in January. I never thought I would make it to this point. I have to say that I have come a long way, many thanks to you all for getting me this far. I still have so far to go.

This week, I can't help but think of the way that my life would have been if Isaac were actually here. He would have been nearly seven weeks old or so. Our lives would be so different and we would be getting to know our new little boy each day. I can't help but think of all of the should have or would have beens. Not just now or tomorrow, but we will miss him laughing for the first time, riding his bike for the first time, making his first basket, meeting his future wife for the first time, and as Laura has brought to my attention we are also going to miss his children. That makes me sad.

I don't know what else to say, except that I miss him.

Rushed

2005-07-25T20:05:00.000-04:00

In my rush, I forgot to post about the subject of my last entry. Isaac's tree is going to live. I couldn't be happier. There are all sorts of new buds and leaves forming, it's sort of cool. I've been watering the hell out of it and even fertilized it yesterday. I'm so, so happy.

The tree lives!

2005-07-25T19:43:00.000-04:00

So, I've been feeling so overwhelmed with my frustration and feelings about everything that I haven't been able to bring myself to blog. Imagine, this is where I come to get my frustrations out. But I feel like a hamster on a running wheel right now. The gist of the happenings in the past few days:

*My nine year old nephew came up to visit last week. Very fun, nice distraction. But I was exhausted following his visit. We did all sorts of fun stuff, including going to the pool, playing golf at the driving/putting range, going to the pet store, swimming with the dog at the river, playing pool at the student commons (here at the university where I used to work), playing game cube, etc. Anyway, it was great to connect with him. I get the five year old nephew in a few weeks...but only for a few days. he's much more of a handful.

*I took a standardized test for teachers on Saturday...which was a complete waste of time. This is a test to assess new teacher's ability to assess reading. The test is so new that there are no baseline scores established yet. So, basically I paid $105 to be a guinea pig. On a good note, it doesn't really matter whether I passed or not. But in addition to entertaining my nephew, I also scrambled to get myself prepared for the test for which there are no study materials. Interesting...

*I took a shot in the dark and went to my PCP on friday. I was trying to convince her to be my advocate in this whole TTC thing. I just feel so put off by all of my docs, I was thinking that she might feel a little sympathy for me. Wrong. I hated her to begin with (she misdiagnosed my hypothyroid a few years ago). But I thought I would try to play the sympathy card and get what I wanted out of the deal. She told me that maybe I should be less regimented - put away the thermometer and relax. She also asked me how the grieving process was going. She doesn't think that I've given myself enough time. Sure, when we started TTC in March, we weren't really that ready emotionally. I also didn't really think that I would get pregnant then. There is also something to be said about the nine months that you will carry that next baby. That is all time in the bucket that helps you get ready for the next one and grieve the lost one. I told her that I didn't know if there would ever be a day that I would not think about Isaac. I told her that if those were my guidelines, then I should never get pregnant. I am very sad, I do wish he was here with us. That won't change, whether we get pregnant again or not. So, does that make me ready to try for another? I have no idea. I just know that I really want this, need this to happen. She didn't get it. She also told me that my and my husband being a healthy reproductive age did not alarm her. She saw no reason to intervene in the TTC process. Funny thing, when I left her office she had agreed to allow me to go on progesterone. I could tell she had no idea what I was talking about, so I wasn't surprised when I got home to find a message on my answering machine telling me that she wasn't comfortable with the procedure and that I should go see an RE. Go fucking figure, she was more than happy to accept my money, though.

Anyway, I'm basically back to square one. The general consensus is that I need to see an RE - I have an appointment at the end of August. I was thankful to get in so soon, yet that is just one or two more cycles that are down the drain. We haven't given up entirely...we are still monitoring things and BD at the right times. But I tried to relinquish the control and put away the thermometer - just to mix it up. No good. I couldn't stand it. I only lasted for two days. I just hate not knowing where I am in my cycle - of course I gave up temping on two pretty key days of my cycle. Forget that, every day is a key day. You see temping, it's a vicious cycle. Now that I'm so nervous about the outcome of the temping, I get myself all worked up. I have bad dreams, don't sleep well, and likely that all throws off my temp anyway. You just can't win. But this entire situation has been the source of my frustration. I just feel like I'm in a race against the clock. I'm ready to be pregnant now...how do you explain that to someone? My doc surely didn't understand. She just stared at me blankly. I need this. I am ready for the next chapter, God please let something happen soon.

*I have a hell of a week in front of me. It's funny, I am now unemployed. Yet, I am busier than ever. I just have all of this work to do for my classes this summer and it's overwhelming me. My history class will be over this week, thank goodness. My final class is tomorrow, review session on wednesday, test on thursday. My mom is trying to come up for a visit on Wednesday. I also have a marathon vet session on wednesday morning, as all four of my animals need to see the vet. Ugh...I'll need a shower after that one. The summer program that I am working for is ending this week, so we have our final banquet on thursday night. I'm also trying to interview one of my teacher friends this week for an assignment that I have due. It's all just this busy work that I don't want to do. I just want to veg and send positive vibes to my uterus.

blahg

2005-07-20T19:37:00.000-04:00

I have been so blah, I haven't even posted. I'm not sure what the dilly is, I think I'm down in the dumps about no pg. I honestly think that there is something wrong with my LP. I have had several others remark on the state of affairs of my menstrual cycle. Finally, I have woke up to smell the coffee. I'm not sure if my LP is long enough to support a baby...maybe that's why we haven't gotten pg. Anyway, I have been emailing my endo, begging for help. She turned me away to her partner - thanks a lot by the way. She is the one doc who I thought I could count on. So much for that. I have been on the phone trying to get an appt. - August 26. I'm actually surprised that I got one so soon. I hope to be pg by then, anyway. Let's see what I can do in the next few months. I don't know, I just feel so frustrated by the whole medical system. The thing is that I live in a really small town. The nearest doc of any sort is an hour away. The best sets of docs are at one of the major hospitals in the state (an hour away - where I delivered Isaac). It takes forever to get things done there. I just feel like I'm on a schedule, we have already wasted the last four months by not getting pregnant. We have made so many changes in our lives - I quit my job, went back to school, changed careers...all for the family we were supposed to have had by now. It all feels like a bust. If we aren't pregnant soon and don't have a baby by next spring/early summer, that will make me out of the work force for part of next school year too. Who will hire me as a teacher if I'm going to be delivering a baby or on maternity leave at the beginning of the year. It's all just so messed up. I was supposed to have had a baby in June of this summer, I'm supposed to be on maternity leave now. I wasn't supposed to student teach until the spring, leaving me all the time in the fall to be with my baby boy. Out the window, forget it, done. No baby, now no job, no real plan. We may not even be pregnant by then. Sheez, I feel like a failure. And being passed from doc to doc is not helping the matter. I don't know, I guess I just need to vent. I just wish that I could order the tests that I need and prescribe myself the meds that I need to get straightened out. Sometimes I feel too educated about this stuff for my own good. Ugh.

On a lighter note, I have had my nine year old nephew visiting this whole week. It's been a fun distraction, and I've gotten lots of pool time. It's nice to have visitors...makes the time go faster.

Aunt Flow is a bitch

2005-07-15T16:47:00.000-04:00

I mean it. I hate her. It's officially CD 1 and she has shown her face with a vengeance. Actually, it's more the cramps than anything. I just feel crappy. I was hoping I might just be wrong and that I could still be pregnant. I'm thinking no now.

I am also devastated...the tree that we planted for Isaac has been eaten by Japanese Beatles. Damn the Japanese beatles! There are only two branches that haven't been affected yet. It's bare. I don't think it's going to make it. It just figures.

No F-ing Way

2005-07-14T19:51:00.000-04:00

Did you see this? MB, I know you are going to puke. I wonder if her mom dressed her trashy when she was little. Lauralu - Britney is going to be one of those moms! She has gone too far.

WTF??

2005-07-14T13:50:00.000-04:00

Fertility friend logged me out and now says that my account won't log me in? Any idea what could have happened? I am freaking out.

Pretty sure I'm out

2005-07-14T08:40:00.000-04:00

Temp took a nose dive today to 97.74. I'm bummed. No AF yet, but I'm pretty sure she's on her way. Temps don't usually take a dive like that if you are pg.

What is it I should say to my doc on my August 1 appointment? I need some sort of help here. I don't think she'll agree to anything aggressive (not sure I really need that), but would possibly be open to a little nudge in the right direction. For those of you who used progesterone cream, how does that work? How did you convince the doc to let you use that? I'll be ovulating when I see her. I'm an idiot when it comes to these things...please help!

Going nuts

2005-07-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

I am going crazy. Do you ever wish that you could fast forward time? That is where I'm at right now. I am dying to know if this is it...are we pg? I lightly spotted yesterday and the night before...which could mean that there was implantation. It could also mean that AF is on her way. FF says possible implantation, but what do they know? There was a dip on 6DPO, but I've had temp dips before. My temp was lower this morning, which could mean that it's on it's way down. But I had so much anxiety about temping this morning and what it might say, that I didn't sleep well last night at all. I kept waking up all night long and looking at the clock. I sort of felt like I was laying there with my eyes closed all night, rather than sleeping. It doesn't help that DH is out of town right now, I never sleep as well when he's not there. Funny, you would think it would be the other way around. Ugh.

Funny thing...there is a group of inner city kids on campus right now for an enrichment program. Yesterday, they were at the pool and I was lifeguarding (doing this to make a little extra $$ on the side). One little girl was swimming in front of me and she saw my wedding ring. the conversation went like this:
Little girl: "Are you getting married?"
Me: "I'm already married."
Little girl: "How old are you?"
Me: "I'm 29."
Little girl: "Wow, you're young."
Me (surprised she called me young): "Yes, I am young."
Little girl: "Just don't get pregnant."
Then she swam away. I was floored. Why would she say that? Was it a message from God? Had someone else told her that or told someone in her family that? You see, little girl, that is exactly the goal. As a matter of fact, I hope I am pregnant right now. It was just sort of surreal.

Ramblings

2005-07-11T21:04:00.000-04:00

After a couple of days of serious posting, I feel like I should lighten up a bit. Dh and I had a great weekend. We had date night on friday night - went to the driving range and putting green to hit balls. Then, we went out to dinner and took the dog on a walk when we got home. In bed by 10...boy are we exciting. On saturday, some of our friends came into town for another friend's bridal shower. It was great to see them, the shower was nice. We had the best time just visiting with them and reminiscing. Sunday, we got up early and took the dog swimming in the river. Overall, great weekend.

As for the TTC, I don't think I'm pregnant. I'm not sure why, I just don't feel like it. I'm trying to remember if I felt like it last time at this point...I don't remember. I do know that when I tested last time at 13DPO, I knew that I would be pg. Now I have no idea. Of course, I will probably know by Friday...at least I won't have to wait long. Maybe now that I've said that I don't think I'm pregnant, I will be. That's what happened to you, Roxanne, right? Keep your fingers crossed.

Okay, I need to get home to walk the dog. Thanks again for your support.

The weight of guilt

2005-07-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

First, I have to thank you all for the overwhelming support. I was a little afraid to open my blog today, for fear that I would have a number of entries from people who did not support our decision. I'm not asking you to support it, I guess just understand it and forgive me for any misgivings you may have about our decisions. I do feel like I should clarify, our son suffered from Amniotic Band Syndrome (not Trisomy 13). But the devastating results of this condition to our son's face and head resulted in similar results to Trisomy 13. In fact, he looked similar to some Trisomy 13 babies. Amniotic Band Syndrome results from a tear in the amniotic sac, when that sac scars over the baby can get caught in the scar tissue. Some babies get hands or feet caught (a common cause of club foot), our baby's head and face were caught in the scar tissue. This resulted in severe brain abnormalities, anencephaly, and severe cleft palate. The fingers of our baby were also deformed. If you google it, they really only talk about or have pictures of the babies who make it - this dissapointed me, as I needed info in the beginning. I now have my own pictures and images of the effects in my memory. The tear in the amniotic sac can result from anything as simple as standing up from a chair or as harsh as a car accident. I have no recollection of what happened or when it happened, but it likely happened early in pregnancy around the time that the brain and face were developing. In retrospect, I'm surprised and thankfult that he hung on as long as he did. The docs say that he was functioning off the umbilical cord and when he got too big, that would not suffice anymore. As for the delivery, the docs and the hospital were great. We had as much time as we wanted with him, I just wish that he could have been a healthy baby and that we could have brought him home. I'm so thankful for the little time that we did have. I love that little boy with everything that I have in me, I'm so heartbroken.

I would also like to thank you for allowing me to talk freely about this now, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I apologize for not including such crucial details earlier. It's sort of a coping mechanism, like I said "my dirty little secret". DH and I talk about it daily, realizing that we made the right decision. It's hard not to get caught up in the should have, would have, could haves. We have to be careful. Honestly, I think that we made the right decision. With the information that we had, had I chosen to carry to full term I would have been a basket case. Awaiting the impending death and events that lay ahead would have been very difficult.

But to include such vivid, harsh details about the son that you love so deeply and made such a difficult choice for was something that I was not ready for. Not only that, but I have had many who don't agree and share their opinions with me. Or they act like it is not a loss and I can't stand that. We lost our son, we did not choose for him to develop such difficulties. We did choose his passing on our terms. I don't know, there are and were so many what ifs. We discussed the what ifs into the ground before making our decision. We decided that if the doctor told us that there was any glimmer of hope that our son could function in life that we would not induce. We just wanted our child to be able to have emotion, any language skills. We did not want to bear a son who stood only a chance at laying in a bed on feeding and breathing tubes as his life. We did not want our child to have to endure any pain at such a tender age. The doctor could see on ultrasound that Isaac's brain and face were severely affected. As I said before, they struggled to find any structures in the brain that were recognizable. This made up our minds.

Now we are left with the guilt of knowing that we chose the fate of our son. We are left mourning his abscence. I see what our child would be in the eyes and faces of most little kids - a ghost as Justin put it. It haunts me. I know that all of you didn't make the same decision that we did, the decision was made for you. I'm sorry for that. I guess the way that I look at it is that we just played our hand before our creator did it for us. I hope you understand where we come from too.

So, now I will continue on this journey of motherhood. We will continue to try to conceive a sibling for Isaac. We plan to share his memory and tell his story to them one day - part of me dreads this, part of me can't wait to share him with them. I know that he will live on in our hearts and hope that his spirit will be carried in some ways by his brothers or sisters.

My dirty little secret

2005-07-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

The recent events over on Roxanne's blog have led me to wonder...have I been deceiving you? I guess that if by definition that omission of specific facts is deception; then yes, I have led you astray. The truth is that I have never truly spoken in this blog of the one thing that is always weighing on my mind. in January, my husband and I made the heart breaking choice to terminate our pregnancy. I hate that word...terminate. I like to think of it as induction or delivery, the truth is that we made the choice to end the life of our child. This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but please keep reading. It has become clear that in reading the comments on A Different Child, that those of you with a natural loss view this as different. Somehow, I fit into my own category. I guess that technically that is true. In your eyes, I may not have lost my baby, I chose his destiny. I guess this is why I have omitted it up until this time. In my experience since this has all happened to us, I have realized that people tend to judge you before they know the whole story. As a result, we chose to just tell people in our lives that we "lost" the baby. No description attached, really not many questions asked or answered. It was easier that way, and my husband and I were left to wrestle with our inner demons and guilt on our own.

We made the decision to induce labor at 20 weeks, 5 days. But the truth is that we made that decision out of love. We had the standard quad screen test done at 16 1/2 weeks, got the positive results for a neural tube defect during our 17th week. We went to UVA for a level II ultrasound - honestly the best 90 minutes of my life were during that ultrasound. We innocently and naively watched our baby move and kick, we fell in love. We gushed about how he looked and what he was going to be one day. Only to be told at the end of the ultrasound by the high risk doc that the cleft palate that our son suffered from was the least of our concerns. They originally thought he suffered from Trisomy 13. I'm not sure what you know about Trisomy 13, but if you google it, you can imagine our devastation. It seems that during the ultrasound, the doctors discovered that Isaac was missing half of his brain (anencephaly) and the half that he did have was so scrambled that the doc and technician couldn't find anything recognizable. This was difficult to hear because to me he looked perfect. I am in the field of orthopedics, what I know is muscles and bones. I've taken gross anatomy, I know what the body is supposed to look like. He had long legs and arms, a perfect little beating heart. His kidneys and spine all looked great. We had a hard time seeing his face on ultrasound, but the docs could tell that there were abnormalities. Of course, I am not familiar with what a brain is supposed to look like on ultrasound. I had no idea that anything was wrong. After the doctor talked to us, he advised we get an amnio. We did the procedure right away. A week later 18.5 weeks of pregnancy, the results came back normal. Our baby did not have a chromosome deformity, so the question is what was wrong with him? I hoped nothing. We went back during our 19th week for another level II ultrasound. This time, the baby's head was in a better position and we could see the face...the docs could also get a better view of the brain. It's weird, but this ultrasound gave us one more time to see our baby alive and in some ways to say goodbye to him. The results were not good, the brain condition was as bad or worse than they had thought two weeks before, he had severe cleft palate. His eyes were offset, he was missing a nasal bone and complete upper lip. The part of his brain that was affected was his entire cerebral coretex. He would be incapable of language understanding and development, he would be incapable of emotion, he would have no motor skills. He could be a vegetable. The prognosis was not good.

The doctors said that we could choose to try to carry the baby to term, but that the baby would not improve. Not only that, but the baby would likely self-abort before full term. If the baby was born, he would only live for a few minutes or hours; he would likely be in pain. So, let me stop and ask you right now, what would you do? Given that all you had dreamed and hoped for your baby had been shattered, would you carry your baby to term? We chose to induce labor. Out of love for this child, we knew that we had to make the difficult decision for the future of our child. We actually made the decision to induce over D&E so that an autopsy could be performed. I dreaded nothing more than delivering my dead son and having to hold him in that condition. Honestly, I feared what he would look like. I had seen the pictures of Trisomy 13 online, I am a very visual person. I feared that his image would be a negative impact.

Now, after delivering him, I know that he was perfect. I will never second guess the decision that we made. We were able to meet him, hold him, name him, spend time with him, have him blessed. It allowed my husband to bond with a son that he had little connection with up until that time - it's hard for the husbands early in pregnancy. We kept him for over four hours. My mom, DH's dad, and my sister all got to hold him. He was blessed by the chaplain. He was deformed, yes. I now know that he never would have made it in life. I'm at peace with our decision to let him be born in a way that we were able to come to terms with. He died at peace, a very much loved little boy. Does that make the decision any easier? no. Do I have regrets? Yes, I wish that I had a healthy little boy now. Do I rethink all that happened each and every day? Yes.

I guess that I write this to clear the air. Roxanne, I know that you didn't mean to offend me. It wasn't you who offended me, I just needed to say my piece to everyone out there. They needed to hear the story from this side of the fence. I'm not mad, actually I'm glad to have this opportunity to share. If any of you judge me for the decisions we have made, I'm sorry for you. We lost our little boy, I feel that emptiness every day...there is no denying that. The gates are open, feel free to ask me any questions you have about this. I have cleared the air and would prefer that you ask questions, rather than judge me.

God is bowling

2005-07-05T17:56:00.000-04:00

It's thundering outside - have you ever heard that about thunder? I can't help but think that Isaac is up in heaven having the time of his life. Surely, he's bowling and I hope he got his father's ability. I suck at bowling, but love to do it. DH and I both love to go bowling and just chill out. No, we are not the friday night league types of people. Just every now and again for fun. Anyway, I hope that Isaac is having fun. This brings a smile to my face. Also, the tree that we planted for Isaac on his EDD has one branch that is growing downward. The entire rest of the tree's branches are facing up. I think this is Isaac misbehaving. It sounds silly, I know. But throw me a bone here. I'm trying to be lighthearted.

My friend had her baby, it's a boy. She had him yesterday. I'm happy for them. But this has led to deep discussions with my other friend (who is a mutual friend between the new parents and my DH and I) about our whole ordeal in January. She said that she and also my friend who just had her baby had no idea what to say to me. It sort of freaked them out, my pg friend even felt guilty for being pregnant. This all dissapoints me. Now I feel like a leper - freak - whatever you want to say. I really thought my pg friend was being supportive and I was actually thankful that she was being such a supportive friend. Now I know that she was freaked out the whole time. Likely, she was just pretending to be a good friend the whole time. I don't know. I mean, I did know that most people were freaked out and didn't know what to say. But I confided in this friend, talked about the nitty gritty details with her. Somehow, now I feel betrayed or something. Clearly, they have all been discussing the fact that they didn't know what to say. I just feel like it's all been a show for us. Ugh. It just makes me wish that we had never gone through this. Some people were so amazing. I guess now I will know how to act when a friend has something difficult in their lives. I will always treat them with sincerity.

On the TTC front, I have no idea what is going on. We'll know more tomorrow morning after I temp. I think that I O'd yesterday, although FF gave me an O date of Friday. If I did O yesterday, that means it was CD 19. WTF? Last month it was CD 10. I guess that's a question for the doc. I just hope it doesn't affect the chances of our getting pg. At any rate, I think we timed everything well. We've been like bunnies the past few weeks.

Alright, I'm out. I have to go to history class.

Lookin' to smoke an O

2005-07-03T17:38:00.000-04:00

Ovulation that is, not orgasm. Your minds are in the gutters! I have no clue what my body is doing. I had a nice temp spike yesterday, in conjunction with EWCM and cramps. I thought for sure it was O, only to have my temp level back out to where it was before. But now EWCM is all dried up and I'm just sure that I O'd yesterday. So frustrating...although the sex hasn't been too bad. I can't complain.

It's been a lazy weekend here, I'm enjoying our summer schedule. I'm officially unemployed now, which means that I am free to do as I please. I enjoy this freedom. Come August 18, I will begin student teaching. Probably by then, I will welcome the regular schedule. For today, DH and I went golfing, tomorrow we are taking the dog to the river. Can't wait. I love the water and I love the sun. I need to soak it all up now, fall will be here before I know it. I have the amazing ability to zone out and weeks go by at a time before I realize it. I have a few things planned to make the time go by faster, visits from my nephews and sisters, get togethers with friends, etc. Not that I need time to go faster, it's just that if I'm busy I think less about Isaac. Not that I want to think less about Isaac, I just feel like I should be doing other things by this point.

What Isaac sent to me today: a field full of weeds that were blooming pretty purple flowers. They were beautiful. Who knew weeds could be so pretty?

My best friend thinks she might be pregnant - she's only been off the pill for a month. Go figure. It may be a false alarm, when I talked to her on friday the pg test was negative. She would have been about 14DPO at the time. She's out of town and not close to a convenience store, I guess we'll know more tomorrow. This is where I'm torn. I love my friend, I want them to be happy, I want them to have a family. But I want to have a family first, damnit. I am meant to be pregnant before her (which I was), but I'm also meant to have a child before her. I'm the person that inspired her to have kids at this time. Ugh. This is my luck. In all truth, I hope that she IS pregnant, but that I am pregnant too. That way, we can share the experience together. Of course, I don't plan to tell anyone that I were pregnant (that is if I'm pregnant) until it's so blatently obvious that there's no denying it. Just to be on the safe side.

I made an OB appointment. I was due for papsmear in June and was hoping to hold off and just get the prenatal/pap done at one time. But I would need to be pregnant to do that (and I am not just yet), so I gave in and made the appointment. I decided to stick with the same docs who delivered Isaac.
Cons to staying with the same docs: they are an hour away, it is a learning hospital and people younger than me could potentially deliver my baby.
Pros: They are a high risk doctor group, they have a neonatal ICU (if needed), they have a Level II US and aren't afraid to use it, they followed up after I delivered the baby (my regular OB did NOT), I love the attending physicians in the group, I like one of the residents (the woman who actually was paying attention when Isaac arrived), they are at one of the top 5 hospitals in the nation. I think I made the right choice, I actually tried to make a doctors appointment with a different doc (who would be closer). Like three different things went wrong when I was making the appointment - it was with the man doc and I wanted the woman doc, their office had moved and the written directions weren't on line, then the doc that I made the appointment with had to cancel and I was going to see a different man doctor. I took it as a sign from God, I was to follow my gut and make the appointment with the doc at UVA. So, I did and I feel so much better about it now.
I also made an appointment with my endocrinologist for September. I figure that if I'm not pregnant by my OB appointment in August, I'll try to talk to them about help getting pg. If they turn me down, I'll try to hit up my endo in September for help.

Five months, yesterday

2005-06-28T19:44:00.000-04:00

Five months since I delivered my son. I never thought I would make it to this point, let alone be trying for my next child. My, how far I have come. Sure, I'm still very caught up in thoughts of Isaac. But for the most part, I would say that I have come a long way in five months. It's intersting, I'm taking a teaching class at a college here. For our assignment today, I had to bring a "me bag". Basically....a bag full of stuff that tell all about you. I brought pictures of Bryan and I, my mom and I, pictures of me when I've been sky diving, bungie jumping, rock climbing and scuba diving. Stuff from when I was a little kid, stuff from college, my knitting needles, my triathlon numbers...but somehow sharing the fact that I also had a son who I had lost in January seemed too personal. Of course, what I really wanted to say is that the memory of him consumes me. That should have been all that I put into my "me bag". But I didn't even mention his name. To these people, I have no children. It's weird. I feel sort of guilty for not mentioning him or bringing pictures, but that's a lot to unload on a group of complete strangers.

Once again, my body is throwing me for a loop. It's CD 13 and no signs of O thus far. Not much EWCM, no temp rises, the OPK is still negative. I've been testing since CD 8 because my cycles are so irregular. We may never conceive another child at this rate.

I'll be in and out this week because of the class. I'll touch base when I can.

Babies everywhere!

2005-06-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

On top of the four people who have had or will have babies in the last and next two weeks, I have recently heard of about 10 other friends of ours who are having babies. This makes me sick, no offense to the preggars out there. It's just that we are supposed to have had a baby by now, I'm supposed to be sleepless because of my newborn. Nothing is the way it should be. Even my plants are having babies...see below. I'm happy they are reproducing and getting bigger, it just adds fuel to the fire. Ugh.

2005-06-23T10:38:00.001-04:00

Another new addition to our garden family.

2005-06-23T10:38:00.000-04:00

Chicks and Hens - even my plants are having babies!

Summer Solstice

2005-06-21T16:52:00.000-04:00

That would be today, the longest day of the year - which it may have been, next to the day that I delivered Isaac. I started the day this morning at 8, I came into my office to find that the laptop that I had borrowed last week had been stolen. Note: I came into the office early so that I could get some school work done (I'm taking a world history class this summer). Obviously that didn't happen, I proceeded to try to track down all the clues that I could muster until 10am. I had the end of employment meeting with the personnel office here at work, and the reality that I am leaving this place in 10 days officially smacked me in the face. When I returned to my office, I continued to try to find the fucking computer. Why is it that there are thieves in the world? I promise you that the computer meant way more to me (as it is not mine and I now need to return it to it's owner) than it does to them. Fuck. I sprinted home for lunch, walked the dogs and then went to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Great day so far, right? Got home from the dentist - I hate that feeling in your mouth when it's numb - and cranked out the paper on the French Revolution for class that I was supposed to do this morning. Now, I'm sitting here and waiting for my crappy class to start. Four hours of the sheer bliss of World History over the internet - toot my horn. That's the greatest way that I can think of to finish the longest day of the year.

So, vacation was nice. We trekked all over the state of Indiana visiting friends and family. I'm always so glad that we make the effort, it's just hard to muster the energy at the end of the week. Visits make me thankful that I have such great friends. It also makes me wish that I lived closer to those great friends. It was a difficult week, as this is the first time that I have seen most of them since we lost Isaac. I felt like I was a specimen that they were observing in some screwed up science project. Two of my friends even had the gall to ask me about how everything with "baby stuff" was going. Fucking great, he's dead. How do you think it's going? The truth is that they expect everything to blow over like a bad storm. I'm right in the fucking middle of it, getting drenched right now. Overall, I put on my happy face and was blatently honest with most of them. Usually that makes them uncomfortable and then sorry that they even asked. Good.

We have gotten through the major milestones that I can think of - mother's day, due date, father's day.... Now I am just ready to get pregnant. I'm pissed off at my body right now, what does it take to get pregnant? Of course, my ovulation date has ranged anywhere from CD 10 to CD 18. That boils down to a lot of screwing this month, as we would like to time things accordingly so that we get pregnant. I keep having these weird thoughts and feelings - "what if I am pregnant, but my body is just acting screwy". Wishful thinking, I know. Nevermind the excessive bleeding, cramping, temp drop, etc. I just want this now, not being very good at being patient. I've decided to turn my energy toward losing weight, then maybe I'll just happen to get pregnant on the side. Again, I'm wishing. But I'm also trying to watch what I'm eating and also getting good exercise. Now we'll play the waiting game once again...

Crap.

2005-06-15T09:27:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel right now, both physically and emotionally. Started light AF this morning along with a headache and backache. I'm miserable. I'm so pissed...who to be pissed at? Myself? My husband? My body? God? Honestly, I need someone to direct this frustration to. I know this is only the third official month of trying, but it was so easy last time. I mean, everything is there. Why is this not working? I hate my body right now.

I'm signing off forf a few days. We are checking out of the hotel and losing wireless connection. I won't have access until monday morning when I'm back at work. Just in time for me to go into hibernation over the latest developments in my crappy journey of TTC. See you soon.

Observations from our trip thus far....

2005-06-13T18:05:00.000-04:00

So yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought. As Roxanne said before, it's more the build up and idea of the day that is bad. We had a nice service, which opened up the communication lines between DH and I. We had good conversations following the service about Isaac and also about any future children. The tree looks great, I hope it doesn't die while we're gone. Wouldn't that be ironic? My friend is coming out to water it. DH and I spent the entire day together, listened to a book on tape on the drive to Indiana, went to dinner, went swimming at the hotel, and said a quiet prayer for Isaac before we went to bed. All in all a pretty good day, considering.

So several observations from my trip thus far:
1. Indiana is so flat. I keep forgetting that while I live in Virginia. It's startling. As a result of the flatness, I had the best run this morning. Indianapolis has a great canal walk thing that is three miles long. Perfect for a run. I think tomorrow we'll try to venture into the city.

2. I saw a bum sleeping on a table at the beginning of my run. I saw an elderly couple eating breakfast at the same table at the end of my run. Ew. We don't have bums in my small town of 6000...they fascinate me.

3. We nearly drove into a tornado yesterday, I'm just sure of it. The skies were green, with lots of thunder, rain, and lightening. There were tornado warnings surrounding us. Welcome home, toto.

4. My convention sucks. I think it's a combination of the fact that I don't have a friend to hang out with (as I have had in the past) and the fact that athletic trainers are a bunch of ass kissers. I'm not into that. I just don't believe in sucking up, which is the base of networking in this profession.

That's it for now....still no real sign of pg. I think my boobs might be bigger...which I DON'T need.

Isaac Christian

2005-06-11T17:38:00.000-04:00

Birth Date: January 27, 2005
Time: 12:24 am
Weight: 13.2 oz.
Length: 10 1/2 inches
Estimated Due Date: June 12, 2005

Do you know that we chose the name Isaac Christian after we found out that all was wrong with our little one. We originally liked other names, although Isaac was on the list of final three. It means "He who laughs" in Hebrew. We chose it because it's a biblical name and it brings positive thoughts to our minds when we think of it. We wanted something with meaning. It's also the name of a saint. Christian means "with Christ", which I believe he is. Ironically enough, it's also the name of our high risk doctor.

We are planting a tree tomorrow and having a memorial service with just my husband and I. I'm sort of looking forward to it, a chance to close one chapter and open the next. Each day, I think of the little boy that we lost and all that could have been. I believe that he brings me surprises - today he brought me the smell of honeysuckle during my entire run with the dog. He continues to bring a smile to my lips and warmth to my heart every day with his memory. We miss him so much.

The maybes...

2005-06-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that we had a newborn baby boy. He came out and was walking/talking right away. It was weird. Maybe that's a sign I'm pregnant...

On that front, my temp dropped today. I'm not sure what that's about. Actually, we have resisted turning our AC on for now and I sweat through the night. I thought for sure it would be elevated. Maybe it's an implantation dip....

Maybe my body is oversweating and that's why my temp dropped...
Maybe my body temp dropped because my body evaporated all the sweat and was effective at cooling itself....
Maybe I'm a nutcase and need to just quit thinking about it....

Dead Baby Jokes

2005-06-08T12:16:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard these? Who the hell ever thought them up, anyway? Who ever did is a sick, sick individual. I had forgotten that these even existed until one of my students in CPR class made a dead baby joke while we were learning infant CPR. I felt like slapping him and saying - you know, as the mother of a dead baby, I really don't appreciate that. Instead, I clenched my jaw, swallowed the lump in my throat and acted like I didn't hear him. Now that I think of it, I should have slapped him. Of course, he has no idea that I have a dead baby. He has no idea what his little joke did to my insides. It's not his fault my baby is dead. He's a fifteen year old kid without a care in the world in the department of dead babies. Bad karma is all that I can wish upon him. Anyway, did you know that there is an entire website devoted to dead baby jokes. That should be banned. Now that's off my chest, I can move on.

The lunch with my new mom friend got cancelled. I'm actually relieved. Now I'm going to go out of town on sunday and really won't probably have to call her back until mid-week two weeks from now when I return. I'm off the hook. It was more a nice gesture than anything.

5 DPO...nothing new to report. I'm really hungry today, but that could because I'm a cow. I need to learn to control my appetite.

Shower power

2005-06-07T20:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I made it through my friend's shower on sunday. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't even really focus on myself, I was too busy running around trying to get everything just so for her. Honestly, I like my friend so much; I'm happy for her that she made it through her pregnancy unscathed thus far. As I've said before, it's the people that I don't know that are pg that I can't tolerate. For my little circle of friends, I have proved to be genuinely happy for them and hoping that their babies are healthy. I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone that I care about. I wonder what they think when they look at me? Probably pity. That seems to be the general consensus.

One of my friends had her baby. I'm going to visit her tomorrow...note I didn't say the baby. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it. I just wouldn't be right. I'm not ready. Probably won't be ready until my own child - despite the forced child holding of an older child a few weeks ago. This baby is a newborn...she is potentially the size, age, etc. at the exact same time that Isaac should be. Thankfully, my friend is so understanding. She actually mentioned the other day on the phone that it is probably bittersweet for us. She totally gets the fact that this is difficult for us and that we are meant to be right there with her. I appreciate that so much. She really is a great friend...she'll probably even understand that I don't want to hold her kid. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

I'm 4 DPO today and counting. No true signs of pregnancy yet. Boobs had a twinge of soreness yesterday, although any boob would be sore if you squeezed it hard enough. I've had an upset stomach - not like last time. More queasy, like I'm going to have diarrhea. Last time it felt like a vast emptiness that I just had to fill or I would be sick. I did smell the celery that my friend was eating today when I entered the room - and it was in a ziploc bag. Probably too soon to tell anything yet. I hate this time. The time that I will need to test, we'll be in Indiana. We're leaving on sunday to go to a conference. Conveniently, I'm also from Indiana. So, we are making a visit out of it. I guess we'll be staying in a hotel, so technically I could test. Ugh, I drive myself crazy.

EDD is on sunday. I'm a little nervous for the emotions that day may bring. More than anything, I miss what should have been immensely. Our Isaac is missing out on so much in life. He deserves better. He did deliver to me my first firefly of the summer last night. I was standing outside with the dog, enjoying the warm evening and the stars (we live in the country). Then the field next to our house lit up with them...sure maybe he didn't deliver them. But I like to think that he's sending me messages because I enjoyed that so much. He brings joy and sorrow to me every day.

The Amazing Race

2005-06-04T09:49:00.000-04:00

Well, I continue to POAS and try to figure out when I am O'ing. This TTC thing is way more tricky than I ever imagined. It seems funny to me that so many people have unplanned pregnancies...it seems impossible to make it happen when we ARE planning. Makes me think that we should just relax (I know the infertiles HATE that term), have a glass of wine, listen to some great music and have occasional great sex. Or in my roommate from freshman year's case, get completely wasted at a frat party, have sex with my boyfriend of three months, and bam! she was prego. Completely unplanned and unwanted at the time. Fortunately for her, things have turned out great. They are happily married with three kids. Who knew?? I just feel so frustrated and pressured during this time. I just want to time everything just so. Of course, you can time everything to the tee and nothing happens. If only the control was in our hands. Ugh!! I do feel more relaxed this time around (or course 2WW is around the corner, that's usually when I crumble). We went golfing with friends yesterday and I had a beer. DH was upset because I was drinking while were TTC. Note: this was one beer. While I appreciate his concern, the having of the beer is part of the part that I'm currently playing. You know the drill, the person who is trying to be non-chalant and just happens to get pregnant in the meantime. Yes, this is the same person who bought an OPK this week - I fell out of the role for a bit. (BTW - sorry to freak people out with the pics. I didn't even think about what people would automatically think! Maybe in a few weeks.)

So my best friend has officially gone off the pill. This is the person who was definately going to wait five or six years after marriage before even thinking of TTC. (They've been married three). The same one who thought I was crazy last August when we first started trying. Now her SIL is pregnant and of course I was pregnant earlier in the year. She says that it's all made her realize that life is too short and they can't wait until the stars are aligned before they TTC. Nice. But that makes me feel a whole new level of pressure. I feel like it's a race. I swear that if she gets pg before me, I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep being her friend. Of course that's going to happen...she'll get pregnant right away That's just my luck. She says they aren't going to TRY, just stop trying to not get pregnant. I'm not sure why this is, it's just hard for me to swallow. I was really upset when she told me. I tried to be excited for her and everything. But she's not even taking prenatal vitamins, for God's sake. She really is non-chalant and God will probably reward her for it. Why does he keep punishing me?

On the TTC front, we will BD again this morning and every day until my temp rises. Thanks to you all for your help with the OPK. Basically, there are no hard and fast guidelines that let me know that I have for sure ovulated. I was hoping that the OPK could narrow it down a little closer for me...and I guess it did.

Our EDD is coming up on June 12. I really do think it has helped to read about others here who have gone through it and survived. DH are going to plant a tree and have a private memorial where we say nice things. Then we are going to get in the car to drive to Indiana. That will be when I stew and stew and stew over the state of things. Hopefully we will have a good book on tape and I will knit. In some ways, I think it's a milestone to get past. We survive that and then maybe a new stage of healing will begin? If nothing else, it's a day of celebration for the son that we lost. I miss him dearly and feel his abscence every day. It's amazing how much I think about him. He is intertwined in my every thought.

About healing and grief...I never really experienced loss before this. I mean, my grandparents died when I was younger. One of my husband's volleyball players was killed in a car accident five years ago. But nothing has ever touched me this closely, never hit every nerve in my body. It's weird. I've never gone through it....so do I know that I'm grieving properly? Is there a proper way to grieve? Is there anything that I'm missing? I just try every day to put one foot in front of the other and honor my son in every way that I know how. Some days I do a good job of that (and even enjoy myself sometimes). Other days, I do a sucky job and I can't really function that well. I'm not sure what else to do. Sometimes I think, would it hurt so much and for so long if I didn't wallow in it all the time? Should I stop wallowing? I don't even know if those around me know that I'm wallowing. But most the time when the world is going on around me, I'm consumed with thoughts of Isaac. I'm functioning in life, but am I really? It's been over four months...will it get easier? Sometimes it is easier, but for some reason I think that I will always be consumed with his memory.

2005-06-03T10:19:00.001-04:00

CD 10, 6pm

2005-06-03T10:19:00.000-04:00

CD 11, 7am

Help???

2005-06-03T10:11:00.000-04:00

I have a great post planned for later today, but I am currently stumped. We BD on CD 6, 10, 11 of this cycle. DH said yesterday (CD 10) that I was especially "wet" down there. So all day, I'm wondering....why am I having EWCM on CD 10? My curiosity was killing me last night, so I went and bought OPK. Being that I have never used OPK, I'm a little stumped. I tested on CD 10 at 6pm after drinking a ton of water the test strip was darker than the reference strip. {Picture being posted below}. I had a terrible headache and couldn't think of BD last night (we had BD yesterday morning). So, I tested this morning again and the test strip was slightly lighter than reference. We BD again this morning. My temp was not elevated this morning. What does all of this mean??? I just want to do all the right things at all the right times! Any advice, please???

Please sign petition

2005-05-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

Roxanne posted this on her blog. I thought I would post it here, for those of you who haven't seen this yet. It's a petition to hallmark to support cards for parents in our situations. You can read the info on the site when you visit. It is very well explained there. It's amazing the number of people who have lost children. I ask that you please visit the site and sign the petition.

Observations from Central PA

2005-05-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

We spent the weekend visiting my father in law in DuBois, PA. This is the hometown of my dear husband. When I visit, sometimes I feel like I'm visiting another planet. I'm not sure what the deal is, maybe because they are in the middle of nowhere....maybe because it is an industrial town that is lagging behind the times...but I feel like they are years behind the current world. Several observations from this weekend:

1. I don't think that a non-smoking section exists in DuBois area restaurants. This could be the restaurants that my FIL visits, but I have had to wash all the clothes that I wore this weekend because they reek of smoke. I am not a smoker and actually hate smoking. I have felt stuffy and congested in my lungs all weekend because of the exposure of this poison. I don't have any friends who smoke, so honestly I am not around it that much. Sorry to those of you who smoke, but I need a non-smoking section!

2. There are a lot of bad perms and bad teeth in DuBois. Enough said.

3. The price of food is amazingly cheap in DuBois. Seriously we ate at least three dinners that were priced under $5. That is unheard of here in Lexington. Also the prices of houses and the price of cars are way below the prices here. I would take that part of PA and run.

___________________________________________

As for everything else, it's been pretty boring here in my little life. I played golf with FIL this weekend. I love golfing. I wish I were better. It was nice to get away from all the hub-ub here. Actually, not just the hub-ub but life in general. It was like a mini-vacation. We didn't really do anything that exciting, but I wasn't at work. That's worth something...right?

I did have to sit through a miserable conversation with DH's step-sister. She is such a gossiper and had to tell FIL all about her husband's brother who got his girlfriend pregnant. The baby is not wanted and it's not a good situation. Why did she persist on continuing to talk about this baby and these people when I showed absolutely no interest? I'm not really sure. I couldn't have been any less thrilled to entertain her gossip. I mean, give me a break for God's sake. Do you really think that I want to listen to your bullshit about babies? Sheez. Not to mention the fact that now I have to mull over the fact that the "exotic dancer" girlfriend manages to get herself knocked up, but I can't even do that when I'm trying. When I did manage to get pg, that got fucked up too. Ugh. I wear myself out.

Number one is the loneliest number...

2005-05-24T13:41:00.000-04:00

So the worst and best thing about CD 1 is that there is so much potential. I stare at the empty chart and think....wow, this could be the month. Then, I strategize about how I'm going to do things differently this month vs. last month. With each new CD 1, I always calculate what my new EDD would be. We're looking at March 3 this time around because February 1 didn't really work out this time. {Note: This is me trying to remain calm about the fact that my body has once again let me down.} So, here we go again on this continuous roller coaster ride. I actually thought about making an appointment with my OB to see if something is wrong with me. I know I'm being incredibly impatient and selfish right now (to all of those of you who go through this for months and months). It's just hard not to get down in the dumps. I wanted to be pregnant by the time my friends delivered in June...likely not going to happen. Here I am - an empty soul missing her baby. Why did Isaac have to die, I just don't get it. It's not fair. I want him back in my every day routine, I want him to be the little boy I had dreamed about. I just feel like my dreams are crushed right now. I feel defeated and deflated. I hate CD 1.

Nosedive

2005-05-23T12:13:00.000-04:00

I hate my body. This sucks. I have no better way to put it. Temps took a nosedive this morning, so I'm sure AF is on her way. Damn, damn, damn. I'm so mad right now and I don't have anyone to blame but my stupid body. Ugh. Sometimes I think it's frustrating that we got pregnant on our second month of trying last time. It's making this time even more difficult. Now I'm afraid that my friend who just decided to start trying is going to beat me to getting pg. That would really suck.

DH had his 10 year college reunion this weekend. He went to school at the college where we both work. It was very fun and now I'm exhausted. I will say that I came face to face with a four month old baby. She is the daughter of our good friends. I thought I might get through the weekend without having to hold her. But just like that, the mom says 'do you want to hold her'? While passing her over the table. What was I supposed to do? It would have been very awkward to pass while the baby was hovering over the table, awaiting my arms. It wasn't as bad as I thought, actually it made me ache for Isaac. And also to ache for the one we are trying to conceive. I'm so ready for this. The question of the weekend was 'So, when are you all going to start trying for a family'. Been there, done that, thank you. My favorite was when a complete stranger outlined the highlights of the first and second trimester of pregnancy. You know, really tired the first and then a burst of energy with the second. Thanks for that, I'm quite familiar with those stages. I can't say anything, really. She is eight weeks pregnant and has no idea about our loss. I just smiled nicely and nodded my head.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I got to see a ton of old friends and had a great time. Now in hindsight, I wish that the nosedive temps and AF had shown up on Friday, so that I could have drank away my sorrow. If I would have been pregnant, it all would have been worth it. Instead, I got to be sober driver all weekend. At least it was a good excuse to tell all the people who were asking why I wasn't drinking. The truth, of course, was that I was hoping to be pregnant. On a funny note, I saw a guy this weekend who I used to have the biggest crush on. I think I still do. My heart did a flutter when I saw him. He is gorgeous. Thank god he lives in Portland - I forgot he existed.

Holding strong at 98.45

2005-05-20T08:16:00.000-04:00

I have my fingers crossed. See that is the problem with this time in my cycle....anything could be. So of course, the temps build and build and I get more and more hopeful. Then BAM!! - just like that your temps can drop and AF shows her stupid head the next day. I'm hoping this is our month. I wish I could tell you that I had some symptoms to complain about. But so far, nothing.

Vixanne and Jill - thanks for the props about the fitness. I wish that I could say that I was in as good of shape as I was when we got pg with Isaac. But pregnancy and then depression that follows the loss of pregnancy wreak havoc on your fitness level. I am careful about what I eat and make a point to run three times per week. If I can squeeze it in, I lift once per week. But that's about all I'm able to do right now. My ass isn't getting any smaller. But if some degree of fitness will get me pregnant, I'll run every day.

Okay, I need to go for now. Will post more later. Send me babydust...whatever that is!

Back from the abyss

2005-05-19T10:11:00.000-04:00

I've had a computer virus at work and haven't been able to get on the computer. I'm not sure what the problem was, but at one point I logged on here and the virus had come into this site. It had links from words from my posts to weird websites. It was strange. But I think we got that all tidied up now.

Vixanne - Thanks for the comment about my chart. I had another temp jump today, I'm not sure whether to blame it on what's going on inside or the fact that we need to turn on the AC. I'm so afraid to open the windows because I think it's going to make my temps drop. That's probably stupid, but I feel like this is a science experiment and I need to increase my reliability. I must be precise in all of my measurements. I don't really "feel" pregnant. I've been super unnecessarily tired...that's about all. I'm starving right now. But that's probably because I went on a run this morning and only ate a grapefruit for breakfast. See, that's the problem with possible pg because you can blame any symptom on something else or read into things that aren't symptoms. Ugh. So frustrating. I just wish that I were in control and could get pregnant now. Vixanne - I know you're sending vibes my way. You want company, I can completely understand.

My mood has been better lately. I've been spending less time at work....which definately helps my mood. They have announced that I'm officially leaving to the whole community. Sort of nice because now the pressure is off. Also sort of frustrating because it's smacking me in the face that I'm not going to be employed here in about 6 weeks. I'm trying not to freak out about how we're going to pay for everything. It all seems so weird. It's like a surreal life. I'm looking around me at the office I've had for seven years and it's hard to tell what is mine and what belongs to the school. My office is like a second home - hence the reason why I'm leaving. I spend way too much time here.

My garden is coming along splendidly. I'm going to take some pics to post on here for all of you who garden to see. My mom has been coming up every week and we have been tackling a flower bed each week. We're trying to do everything right by laying down weed blocker paper stuff, then topsoil, then mulch, etc. So far, so good. I bought some peonies and rhododendrons this week for one bed. My mom has brought a lot of stuff from her garden. I think working in the garden is therapeutic. I enjoy my time outside and I also love the progress that I make. It allows me time to think about Isaac all day long and also about the possiblity of another baby.

Okay, I need to get to work. Will post more later. Let me know what you think of my FF chart...

Holy Crap!

2005-05-14T10:46:00.000-04:00

Two thing:

1. I just found a tick at the base of my hairline. That is disgusting.

2. My 11 year old cousin's school bus was hit by a freight train in St. Louis! Here is the story. Thankfully everyone is okay. How scary!

Mecka-Lecka-Hi-Mecka-Hiny-Ho

2005-05-14T09:43:00.000-04:00

This is my mantra for this month. I'm not sure why, but it has been playing over and over in my head. So much, that I actually did a search for Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's a real bummer that all the scandal surrounded Pee Wee. I loved his shows. I think the Playhouse is hilarious and quite entertaining. I'm just hoping that the Genie answers my wish. He did say that my wish was granted. Genie - here it is, just in case you didn't hear me "please let me get pregnant this month". I finally did O on cycle day 17. This is late for me, but I'm just glad it happened. I only hope that our timing was right. DH actually did a "chi" dance over my uterus this morning. I think he really wants this too.

FIL is down this weekend. He hasn't visited since Isaac's birth. It's great to see him, but difficult to answer all of his questions about how I feel, what the autopsy report said, how I felt after deilvery, etc. His work sent us a very nice bible encased in a wooden box. Sort of a one-size-fits-al approach to sympathy. But the thought is nice. At least it's good for DH. His dad is his best male friend and I think they talk about stuff that he doesn't share with others. They are golfing all weekend, so nice that he is keeping DH busy too.

I had a great lunch with two of my pg friends yesterday. They are huge, I can't help but be envious. I have decided to plan the shower of my one friend that I was struggling with. Someone else is hosting it, I'm just helping with the planning. I actually feel good about it. That's a sign of recovery, right? The haze has lifted some, I'm feeling less down. I've been taking the Fish Oil. Haven't tried counseling yet. Mostly doing a lot of thinking about stuff in my head. This helps me.

Blogland was so boring yesterday, I was happy to see this morning that lots of people posted last night. I had fun reading this morning. Thanks ladies. Have a great weekend!

I'm a Man Eater

2005-05-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so my husband thinks that I am "using" him for his sperm. Whatever. Welcome to TTC, buddy. I just laughed when he said it this morning. He is bitching because I never want sex this much usually, but now that we are trying to get pg, I want it. I assured him that this is the case with all couples TTC. We were TRYING to use the SMEP this month. But my body is screwed up, it is now CD 18 and I think I'm ovulating today. Of course, I had timed SMEP for ovulation on CD 15. Needless to say, we're a little off. Now I'm scrambling to try to time things correctly. We've had sex 8 times in the last 12 days....my bad. Why is DH bitching about this? I have no idea. I wish he would go stuff it. The truth is that I am using him for his sperm. I want to get pregnant, dammit. I'm not willing to waste this month because he's not in the mood. I told him last night the he never bitches about this when we're on vacation in Mexico. He wants to do it every day there. He says "This is not Mexico". No shit sherlock. I told him I would make him a margarita and we could eat salsa if it would make him have sex with me. It was hot enough here last night to pass for Mexico. I just hope it's all worth it.

Not much else to report. I've had a very productive week in the garden. Our dog has been in the hospital for an ear infection - $500 later she is finally better. I made a new friend at the coffee shop. I have agreed to host my friend's baby shower in June with another friend of ours (I feel much better about this now). Summer weather is here and I couldn't be more happy - got my first sunburn of the year on tuesday. I handed in my letter of resignation at work and I feel like a monkey is off my back. Note: I am also freaked out about not making a salary next year. I nailed my history final and am one more class to being finished with my teaching certificate. Hmmm...that's about my week in a nutshell. I'll post more later.

Mechanical Sex

2005-05-09T10:10:00.000-04:00

So DH and I have managed to have the most mechanical sex...ever. There's something about TTC that makes it all so methodical. I mean, I ovulate today (likely). Temp was starting to rise this morning, so I wake DH up at 6:45 and tell him we need to get busy before work. Of course, neither one of us are in the "mood", as we have JUST rolled out of bed. At any rate, it's just sort of a bummer that at the time that sex should be so passionate because we are trying to conceive a child of love, the sex turns out to be just an act. Ugh. Sorry. TMI.

Mother's Day

2005-05-08T15:02:00.000-04:00

So as it turns out, Mother's Day isn't that bad. It's the IDEA of Mother's Day that has had me in the dumps. I have honored my mom, that's all I can do. It's actually been a pretty good day. Bryan and I went to breakfast with some old friends. Then we came together to watch the NCAA tennis matches we are hosting here. And now it is a gorgeous, sunny day. I'm going to enjoy it by working in the garden. Oh and we're going to try to make a baby today. DH bought me a card, which I appreciate. Also, wished me a happy mother's day and gave me some hugs. We talked about Isaac looking down on us and loving his mommy today.

Rose (I love this name - it's my maiden name), I'm going to try those Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Also, going to try some counseling. That's all I have to say for today.

Vent Session

2005-05-07T10:49:00.000-04:00

If you are sensitive today, don't read this. I just need to get these angry thoughts out of my head and then I will move on and away from them. The truth is that this is my only outlet of true emotion (my husband gets tired of me bitching). If you are pregnant, don't take this personally. I am not talking about you...

I hate pregnant people. There is this girl that works at the university where I work. She thinks she is perfect - Little Miss Priss we will call her. Seriously, she told me that the president of the university hand picked her to be his personal assistant. Maybe that is true, but I think that 's freaky. Also, I don't think that's something I would share with other people. She is married to her college sweetheart and is one of those people who is always put together just so. Her hair is never amuck and her clothes always match. She is dainty. I don't like her much. Actually, I don't even know her much. But what I do know of her, I don't like. Let's just say that I would never choose her as my friend. ANYWAY, what I was trying to say is that she is now pregnant. Due in December and telling everyone....which is risky. That makes her what...two months pregnant at the most? She acts like and thinks like nothing can happen. What pisses me off the most is that she walks around with this smirk on her face like she's got a secret and no one can spoil it. She is naive. I had a secret once too, guess what. It was spoiled. I'm not sure why she bothers me so much, I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her since I found out that she was pregnant. She didn't tell me, a mutual acquaintance did. But I can just see her when she DOES tell me. She is one of those people who pity me and doesn't know what to say when she sees me. Imagine the hay day she would have when she gets to tell me her news. Ugh.

There are pregnant people everywhere. My friends who were all due around me are growing larger and so does my envy. maybe that is the problem with Little Miss Priss...I'm jealous of her, no jealousy is not the right word. I don't aspire to be like her. If I did, I would make more of an effort to try to be more put together. I look "cute" maybe once a week. The rest of the time, I'm doing good to get myself dressed and make up on every day. It's been a hard semester. No one understands that. I have a hard time getting myself ready most days because my brain is so scattered. Again, I can't see through the fog. Miss Priss makes me sick. Back to the pregnant people, I AM envious of them. I'm supposed to be 35 weeks right now, damn it. They DO have something that I don't. They WILL have their babies and I won't. I know one day we will likely conceive and I will be one of them. Yet I won't be. I will be different. I am in a different category. There is no way around that.

But the pregnancy has to stop (like the madness!) - I wish I could just go into a bubble until I am pregnant and I have another secret. Even then, I don't know if I will want to share that secret with people. I will want to be cautious and not tell people until it's unavoidable. It must just be the age, but everyone around me is popping up pg. Why am I the only one who has had a problem? Why am I the one that lost her baby? Why did God choose me? Am I stronger? More able to deal with it? Is it to bring me closer to him? Is it to punish me? I have no idea. I'm exhausted.

I was teaching a CPR class the other day and I think I know what caused the rupture of my amniotic sac that killed my baby. I have been trying and trying and trying to think of what it could be. Running through everything from a bad hamburger to hot baths to our well water that might have caused it. The thing is that SOMETHING caused my amniotic sac to rupture and Isaac to get caught in it. It's not a mystery.....the autopsy states either trauma or illness was the cause between 8-10 weeks of pregnancy. Of course, Isaac didn't die until much later and wasn't affected until he got caught in the scar tissue as the amniotic sac was healing. But something traumatic caused it. So, was it while I was lifting weights (which is supposed to be safe?) up through the 15th week? Did I move funny in my sleeep? I THINK it was when a student was demonstrating the heimlich maneuver on me. If I can place it correctly, that would have happened during my 10th week of pg. He was to "simulate" the heimlich and did so. But he did it much harder than I anticipated. It hurt at the time, but I thought "the baby is tough, it would take a lot to hurt it". Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's not like they could have repaired anything if it did happen. But I think I have placed it. That's the only real "traumatic" thing that I can think of. This brings me some peace, although I will never really know what caused it. Oh, I drive myself crazy.

Mother's Day is tomorrow...I hope we conceive a child tomorrow. The time is right, let's hope the little guys do their job. Say a quick cheer for them...please? Who invented mother's day, anyway? I appreciate it because it makes me stop and be thankful for my mom. But I put it into the category with Valentines Day - something that Hallmark made up to make more money. I never really thought of it before now, I've never been a mother before on Mother's Day. My mom gave me a card, I wonder if DH will do anything? I don't know what I want tomorrow. I won't be happy whether he does something or not. I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. Just let me be at peace. Maybe I'll work in the garden. It's supposed to be 80 here. Finally.

At any rate, have a great day tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me babble.

Just a question

2005-05-04T17:19:00.000-04:00

What does anyone know about TTC and anti-depressants? I don't want to be THAT girl who is on meds for my problems. But the truth is that I don't know if I'm patient enough to wait for counseling to help. I live in a small town. There aren't many resources here. Maybe I should look into anti-depressants with counseling. I am a true believer in counseling - have used it several times throughout my life. I have found great relief. But part of me doesn't want to face what's really underneath...at least not yet. I just want it all to go away. I know that a pill doesn't make anything go away, but at least to get me through the fog. At any rate, I don't want to hurt any potential child that may be forming inside of me. Any thoughts?

Today is a good day, I have been very productive at work. That always makes me feel good. For some reason, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since I told my boss that I wasn't returning next year. I had lunch with my friend A, who is pregnant. For some reason, it doesn't bother me when I see her. Probably because she has been so real to me through all of this. She really is a great friend, despite her faults of being pregnant. Then, this afternoon I took an icecream break with one of the athletic teams here at work.

Okay, that's all for today. Just looking for a little advice. TIA.

The Sperm Meets Egg Plan

2005-05-03T16:32:00.000-04:00

What is it about TTC that people come up with all this cutesy stuff? What is babydust, exactly? I think of it as fairy dust that people are blowing my way...I always think of Peter Pan. And baby dancing...fancy name for getting it on. I think it's funny. Whatever it takes, I will do it to TTC the next child. For example, we are currently following the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". Which basically breaks down into a lot of screwing over the next week. But how is that really different than any other time you are TTC? Take last month of TTC, we did it every day for a week, took one day off, then did it two more days in a row. Okay, we were a little over-zealous (it WAS the first month of trying). There probably weren't even any sperm left in there by the day that I ovulated. TMI. Sorry. But I think it's funny that someone coined the name SMEP and then calculated exactly when you should be fornicating with your husband. I just think that's the goal every monthy of TTC. Get the sperm up there to do their job. Supposedly there is a greater chances (40%) of conception vs. 20% regularly. I think they just put those figures out there so that everyone would follow their funny little plan. I will let you know in about 20 days whether it is any more effective than regular baby dancing.

My mom came up to spend the day with me today. We had a wonderful day, we went for a drive out in the country to a yarn store (I'm a knitter) that I have just discovered. It's so pretty out there - it is located next to an herb garden and an old mill (where they make flour and cornmeal). There is a winery up the road. Basically they have built up the place to attract tourists, but I find it very peaceful and plan to return again. At the yarn store, they also have a pick your own berry farm. I just love it. All this nestled into the Virginia mountains, perfection to me.

The only downfall is that a pregnant woman that I know was there, too. She is due any day and is knitting a sweater for her unborn child. Isn't that sweet. Barf. I should be knitting my child a sweater, damn it. But he is dead now...that won't be happening. She knew that I used to be pregnant. She didn't mention anything about it, thankfully. But just like that, your day is altered because of someone else and their pregnancy. Ugh.

Anyway, my mom and I had a long talk about the state of things. Basically, I described to her that I'm pretty depressed. She noticed. I guess I thought I was fooling everyone around me with the front that I put up. Not the case. She thinks that I seem withdrawn and unhappy and that I should see someone. Sure, I'm all these things. My baby died, for God sake. She is very well aware of the root of my problems. Just doesn't want my state of mind to further harm my relationship with DH or those around me. I don't want to see a counselor, I don't think they'll understand. I just want the doc to give me some pills that will make life easier and make me happier. Do you think that's possible? This is the first time that I have fessed up to these feelings and really talked to anyone about it. She's right, I should do something.

She ended the day by buying me lunch and wishing me a private happy mother's day. I appreciate that. She noticed...I'm not sure that anyone else will. I know that DH is thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about how hard it will be. But I'm just chugging along, trying to get through every day. Mother's Day probably won't be much different.

Adding Insult to Injury

2005-05-02T17:33:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you get home and the freaking mailbox has a sample package of huggies attached to it. Thank you, Huggies. I appreciate the free diaper, yet it is only a reminder of what we don't have.

I have been thinking a lot of older people who I know that only have one child. I work at a university and know many college age kids, several who are only children. Now I find myself wondering if their parents had similar problems. Did they lose a baby or have difficulty and decide to only have one child as a result. It makes me wonder. It's just that so many people have come out of the woodwork to share their stories of loss. I'm sure there are many more out there who have experienced it that I don't know of. Just food for thought, I guess. I was reading over on Baby or Bust and Sara was talking about the wedding that she attended this weekend. Of course, she got put at the dreaded pregnant woman's table, but discovered that all wasn't peaches in cream in this woman of loss's life. Apparently, the woman had infertility problems herself and even several losses before her successful pregnancy.

It has made me think about the people around me. What is really going on in their lives that I don't know about. I've heard so many stories about this. For example, while we were in Disney, I met a woman at the pool. We start talking about her little boy (who is playing with my 8 year old nephew). She says "It took us eight years to have him...he's spoiled to death". Well, that leads into whether we'll have kids soon or not and eventually I spill the beans. Yes, we've lost our child. This is actually a get away to get my mind off of it...yada, yada. Come to find out, this lady has had infertility problems herself and two of her sisters have had late losses. She was so therapeutic to talk to. I usually don't share any info with strangers, especially about what has happened. But maybe God put that lady there for me to share with. It turned out to be a great conversation. As Sara says on Baby or Bust, her way of coping is sharing. I share too, it's just that usually it's in a safe, anonymous place (my blog).

Anyway, to make a short story long, I guess that I'm just more aware of the people around me now. I don't think that I'm going to be a super showy pregnant lady next time around. In fact, we plan to keep it from everyone in our lives for as long as possible for the sake of caution.

Done, Done, and Done

2005-04-29T15:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it. I had a meeting and told my boss that I wouldn't be returning next school year. Whew. I was so nervous, I nearly made myself sick. I just explained that we had been planning for me to not return to work when we thought we were going to be having a baby in June. Now that has changed, but our plans have not. I plan to student teach in the fall, and I can't very well be doing that if I'm also working here. He didn't realize that I had been taking classes to be a teacher and I explained that at some point (hopefully sooner, rather than later) we were going to be having a family. I can't have a family and do this job very well (this is a direct quote from him). So, I need to get a new job. At some point we are going to have a family, so the sooner I get into my next job the better. He was very understanding and even encouraging once the initial shock wore off. He is even going to try to keep me "on" as long as possible - possible late resignation - so that I can "have as much money in my pocket" as possible when I leave. This is actually a gracious offer on his part. I'm very glad that he's being agreeable about this. Like DH says, the worst he can do is fire me. That certainly didn't happen. I'm glad for that.

I also put in my application for the Director of the Montessori Center for Children today. I say that I might as well check it out to see what it entails. Maybe more money than teaching? Definately a different job description, more administrative with supervising teachers. Sort of principal like...I would say.

At any rate, my spirits have lifted some because these two things are checked off the list. Whew.

Old Friends

2005-04-29T10:23:00.000-04:00

I have been missing the past few days, my friend is in town. I must say it is so nice to have her company. We have been friends for over 15 years. There is nothing like a friend who you have history with and doesn't mind your baggage. This is the first time we have REALLY talked about Isaac and his delivery. It was good to share it with someone who would not be judgemental. On the other hand, sort of sad to go back down that path. I made it through without crying, which is pretty good. I have been sad the past few days, for whatever reason. I'm not sure what it is...probably hormones. I'm pretty bummed that I wasn't successful in the pg department and have therefore been throwing a pity party for myself. That in combination with the fact that my friend's baby shower is this weekend. I went to Target to ger her cute stuff, but couldn't do it. I just got a gift card. I did walk down the baby aisles and thought of how sad it is that we won't be needing the stuff come June. Then I went to books-a-million to waste time while my friend's plane was late...I ended up in pregnancy aisle. I did find some good books that I would like to get next time around.

I have been thinking a lot about friends and how I categorize them. Losing Isaac has shed a lot of light on the depth of friendships that are in my life. Some people have surprised me at their level of giving and sincerity in our friendship as we lost Isaac. It's like I have friends at different levels. Of course closest are my DH, sister, and mom. But next there are my three closest friends - Dana, Dina, and Heather. They are the friends that I have a solid past with and never worry about what they will think. It's weird how you just connect with some people and not with others. But these three are always the first three that I think to call when I need something or have to report something. It doesn't matter where we live or what is going on in our lives, we are still just as close as ever. We can pick up a conversation or a visit without missing a beat. The next level of friends are also very close to me, that is I confide in them. But there is some sort of separation between the top level and everyone else. I would say that there are about 5-10 people who are in that level. These people have been amazing throughout this whole ordeal. Some I talk to more than others. Some live close to me, others live across the country. But they are great friends to have. After that, there isn't really much room in my heart for many others. Seriously, it's like I reach capacity and then no more. Of course, there are the people that read my blog and I read theirs. You all know my deepest, darkest thoughts....good or bad. It's funny that I am willing to share them with complete strangers, but not anyone else.

Sorry this post isn't that enthralling. I have a lot going on at work and am super tired. Just not that inspired the past few days.

CD 1

2005-04-25T16:59:00.000-04:00

One sign that I'm not pregnant - AF showed her head today. I am very dissapointed. I actually cried last night because I could tell she was coming. I'm trying hard not to be a drama queen about this, because honestly a lot of other people have it much worse out there. I have to realize that this is only our first "official" cycle of trying - so many people try for much longer with the same result. But it doesn't make me any less sad that we weren't successful. I'm not sure what it is, I'm just ready for this now. It's been thirteen weeks since Isaac was born...I'm supposed to be 34 weeks pregnant now. I think that's why I'm obsessed. The facts of what is supposed to be makes me want what could be even more. It was so easy last time, we were so naive. We "tried" and we succeeded...pregnant in our second month of trying. I hope that doesn't spoil it this time if it takes longer. What am I saying, it is already spoiled this time. I am all the wiser to what CAN happen during pregnancy. The bliss has changed.

To add fuel to the fire, I am having terrible cramps today. It's like my uterus is trying to punish me for wanting pregnancy so much. I don't feel much like writing...sort of bummed. I think we'll try something closer to the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan" next time. This is such a funny name - what else would they call it when someone is trying. Obviously the whole goal is to get the little guys up there and have them unite with the egg...duh. I guess the SMEP is just organized sex for those with disorganized lives. Okay, I'm going to go lie in the fetal position in my bed now. I feel like crap.

I survived!

2005-04-22T16:14:00.000-04:00

So I forgot to mention that I had book club today. This is a nice little club of my friends who also happen to read. There are about 15 members in all, some of us come more often than others. Anyway, we have been having a hard time coordinating our schedules and finding a time that worked for everyone. I've been so busy trying to make things happen for book club and was also distracted by the fact that I'm going to see all of my friends that I forgot that two of them are very pregnant. Wow. I really should have thought of that because it was waaaay more difficult than I had imagined. Of course just seeing them in all their pregnant glory is hard enough. I mean, I have seen each of them and have actually talked to each of them about their unborn children. But there is a big difference between having a one on one conversation with a girl who is your friend and happens to be pregnant and having a whole group of people who haven't seen said pregnant women and are going goo-goo ga-ga over them. I should say that the meeting was smaller than normal (thank goodness, I'm not sure I could have taken more of this) and the people who were there are all typically considerate of my situation (including the pregnant women). But it's difficult for people to see a pg woman and not ask her details. There were all sorts of questions about due dates, boy vs. girl, symptoms, etc. (all the while, I sit uncomfortably quiet in my seat - trying not to squirm or to look at anyone else at the table). Wow. I should have prepared myself better for that.

On a related note, I'm wrestling with a delimma about one of my pregnant friends. The truth is that I'm probably one of her better friends here and she is one of mine. I'd love to throw her a baby shower, but I'm not really sure that I can do that. I just feel like someone should throw her one and if I don't - who will? She is one of the coolest and down to earth people I know, but there is no way to avoid the exciting talk of upcoming baby at a baby shower. Do you think it would be weird if I hosted it, but didn't stick around? Today was a good trial run and I did alright, but that might just be the next level. Oh the delimma!

I caved

2005-04-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

and tested this morning. Negative. Although that isn't necessarily correct because I am only on CD 10. Last time (when I was pregnant) I tested on CD 10 it was negative too, only to be positive on CD 14. I should just learn my lesson, save the money, and wait to test until later in my cycle. I just can't wait.

As you can see, I'm not really that creative this morning, so I posted pictures of the new pup. Her name is Trigger (terrible name, I know. But she came with it and she's four and I don't want her to have an identity crisis!). I'm getting used to it. Isn't she pretty though? We're having a rough adjustment period with the cats...but things have got to be getting better soon. Right?

Okay, 5 signs that I might be pregnant:
1. lots of weird dreams for the past 10 nights or so
2. temps are looking good, elevated with a slight dip on CD 7 and CD 8
3. spotting to accompany dip on CD 8
4. pretty tired the last two days - although that may be because we're getting up and running with the dog every morning at 7
5. positive energy that I am flowing toward my uterus

5 signs that I might not be pregnant:
1. No sore boobs
2. Have been cramping (like period pain) all week since CD 7
3. Not getting up any more than usual at night to pee
4. Not excessively hungry or nauseous
5. Because I really, really, really want this and it seems that what I want just doesn't happen (I know that sounds spoiled)

2005-04-22T10:33:00.000-04:00

Trigger the Great!

2005-04-22T10:32:00.000-04:00

Aren't I pretty? I love baths!!

One more thing...

2005-04-21T17:09:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention before that there is a poor girl over on FF whose husband has given her chlamydia. Dear God, could you imagine? I didn't even reply to her post because I didn't know what to say. Apparently he had cheated with a waitress on a business trip. Wow.

2 WW

2005-04-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

Okay, this sucks. I don't have much to write about because I keep obsessing about whether I'm pregnant or not. I can't tell you how many times today I have looked at my chart. It's not like it's any different than it was at 10am when I put in my new info for today. I just keep hoping that one of these times I'm going to click on it and it's going to say "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" in red flashing neon. Not that I'm sure I'm pregnant or anything. But my temp had a nice spike the last two days, preceded by a nice dip (implantation?) the two days before. Along with the dip came spotting. So, now I am totally freaking myself out.

Honestly, before today I have been so relaxed and just going with the flow. But now due to the recent temperature shifts and dips, the past nine days have officially felt like nine years. Why does the 2WW have to drag on so? I'm tempted to test tomorrow before DH goes out of town for the weekend. But I don't want to get BFN and be dissapointed. Okay, now I've said it. When I DO get the BFN next week, I'm going to be crushed. It's official. If only I had some great plans for the weekend to make the weekend go faster. But if I did anything, I'd like to throw a margarita party for my friends. Given that I can't drink (2ww) and my other friend that I would invite is preggars, it's probably not a good idea. I am wondering how I'm going to get by for the next while without drinking in front of my friends if I am pregnant. They will be suspicious. Not that I'm a huge drinker, but if we eat mexican...you can bet that I'll be drinking a margarita under normal circumstances. Maybe they will be clueless and not ask. Other than that, I'm not sure how anyone would know. I really do plan to keep it from people in the real world for as long as we can. It's our business, I'd like to make sure that things are alright with the bambino before we go blabbing. That was the worst last time.

Okay, now I've rambled. But I need to get some work done - rather I need to go and obsess a little more about the state of my fertility.

Funny items...

2005-04-20T18:29:00.000-04:00

Some things that are all in a day's work for me that other people think are funny:

Walkie Talkies
Golf Cart
Fanny Packs
Grass
Sweat
Coolers
Hot College Boys
Tape

I am an athletic trainer at a university. Most people flip out when they get to use Walkie Talkies as adults, I use them every day. Strange...I know.

Spring Fever

2005-04-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

The weather here today is beautiful. I love days like today, actually I love spring. I've always said that summer is my favorite season because I'm off of work. But Spring may be making a good campaign as my new fave. It always amazes me that the flowers know just the right time to come up and the trees know just when to bloom. It's like they come out of their winter sleep raring and ready to go. Those that are more tolerant to cold naturally come up first. It's amazing. I know this is basic elementary science, but I am still amazed by the wonders of the world. It's 80 degrees here today, you would never know it's the middle of April. Of course, the warm weather is giving way to April showers and 60 degree weather for the weekend. But I'll take the good weather while we've got it.

So, now I've got ants in my pants about doing fun summertime outings and vacations. I don't want to be at work or do work while I am here. I love this feeling, but hate the fact that I have no choice but to be here. I am leaving this job in June, I am getting the notion to start to count down the days. It's really weird to be leaving this job. Initially, the big plan was to have time off after Isaac was born in June and then student teach next spring. That has all changed now, as Isaac came to us early in January and there is no baby to take care of. My life has really been altered in more ways than one. Sometimes when I sit down and think about it, it blows my mine. So, now the plan is to student teach in the fall and hopefully have a baby early next spring. We will find out in a week if that might happen in January or later spring months. Honestly, the timing still works out fine. It's just weird that I am now leaving my job under totally different pretenses. There is no guarantee that we will have another child...should I still leave the job? My husband asked me that the other day. Would I still leave my job in June if we weren't pg yet. I think that if I didn't quit the job, I would lose all hope. It's like the plan had been blown to hell. At least we are still sort of following it. As for the job, I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions until June. Every now and again, I have to shake myself and remind myself that I need to keep doing a good job until that time. It's a strange situation because my best friend is my coworker. I am actually her boss. I think she's pulling the weight for me, which makes me feel guilty. But other times, I think of all that I have been through and worked through this year and I deserve some time off. I didn't get the time that I thought I needed when it all went down. Now, I feel like I am grieving on the fly.

I heard my husband tell his friend last night that "we are over it and moving on to try for the next baby". It sort of pissed me off because I know he doesn't feel that way. He's just trying to put up a macho front for his friend. God forbid he let the friend know that something deeper and more raw was really going on. I mean seriously, if you can't be honest with your friends about the most real thing in your life, what can you be real about? He hasn't even talked to his other two close friends much about it. The truth is, I am his best friend and he doesn't feel the need to share his emotions with others. He is so different from me. I put it all out there - for all to read and hear. I just need to get it out of my head and into space. Sometimes I think he should start a blog, so that he can really express his emotions.

You know the funny thing, though...no one from my REAL life knows the address to this blog. I've only told my mom, DH, and friend about the fact that I blog at all. I'm afraid to share with them for fear that I will write something to offend or piss them off. I really avoid confrontation in all aspects of my life. Even when I'm so pissed at DH, I don't SAY anything. I only act mad and play out every conversation that we could have in my head. He usually knows that I'm mad because I get quiet. But I am generally NOT a confrontational person. I never have been, I'm just like my mom.

So, that's all to report. I"m going outside to enjoy the weather.

Ain't nothin' but a Hound Dog

2005-04-18T17:01:00.000-04:00

Do you ever hate your husband? I hated my husband for about an hour yesterday. We were pressure washing the side of our house. It seems like any time we do a home improvement project together, I hate him. You know, trim the hedges or put on a screen door. We just do nothing the same. Seriously, this morning we were brushing our teeth - he puts on toothpaste and then wets the brush....I wet the brush first and then apply the toothbrush. We never see or do things in the same fashion. Sometimes I love that about him, yesterday I hated it. He was pissy because we have so many plants around the house - never an issue unless he is pressure washing the side of the house. He trampled my hyacinth (my favorite). Didn't even notice the fact that he was able to step on five out of the nine. Ugh. Of course, when we're all done with the projects we go back to being two peas in a pod. But I could have spit fire at him during the ordeal yesterday.

On the TTC front, things are at a stand still. Just waiting to see if the little guys have done their job. FF changed my O date from last sunday to last tuesday. So that either means that I am 8 DPO or 6 DPO - depending on which I should follow. No pg symptoms to speak of. I did have slight spotting this morning and a temp drop...maybe implantation? Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'm out this month. I keep feeling my boobs to see if they are sore. The only symptoms I had last time were sore boobs, really tired and sensitive to smell. I felt like a hound dog.

Purging

2005-04-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I just need to snap out of it. Mainly when a friend from far away emails me to see how I'm doing. I always feel so mopey when I'm thinking of the response. Like 'I need to be positive here...muster up any positive thoughts you're having'. The truth is that I'm feeling pretty crummy inside. I'm just not that happy. Sure, I'm still very sad about Isaac and all that has happened to us. I think about him every day. ut most recently I've been pissed that we even had to go through this at all. I don't know why I'm throwing a pity party for myself, but I don't think it's fair that I feel this way. In some ways, I hope that I can enjoy the next pregnancy (if we get pregnant). I think I'm depressed. I prefer to spend time by myself and generally just don't enjoy the same things that I used to. Even when we were at Disney, I felt like my feelings and excitement about our vacation were muted. I'm on mute...that's a good way to put it. I don't really talk about my feelings to anyone but DH. My mom and I used to talk it into the ground, but now I think that people are afraid to ask how I'm doing for fear that I may be having a good day. I guess that makes them good friends for not asking. But even my sister doesn't try to get too deep. I tried to talk to her on our trip in the car to Florida (we did have 28 hours together), but it's like she only wants to hear so much. I could talk about it all day....analyzing every aspect. No one else wants to do that with me, probably not even DH. Sometimes I don't even know what I feel until I go to blog or until I respond to a friend's email. I hate that. I'm just out of it. I feel many things - deep sadness for the loss of Isaac, anticipation of the next child, guilt for the anticipation I feel, worry for what I might do wrong to make the next pregnancy go bad, more sadness for our little boy, happiness for the sunshine outside, thankfulness for my husband. But I would never describe myself as happy during any one day. I tell people when they ask 'Fine, how are you?' Like if I can divert the attention from my feelings to theirs, they may not notice or scratch the surface of what really lies beneath my skin. I think that I'll be cautiously happy if I find out that we are pregnant again. The thing is that I'm not that afraid of the next pregnancy. We have an autopsy diagnosis of what happened and it's like a strike of lightening. Not likely to happen again. That doesn't mean that I'm carefree and thinking that something ELSE isn't going to happen. But that does help to ease my mind, we have answers and I couldn't be more thankful. Muted Mumbo Jumbo is how I feel right now.

I am listening to one of my favorite bands right now, Pat McGee Band. I love them. They calm my thoughts and soul. I need to see them in concert soon - my frazzled soul needs some calming.

I cleaned out our file cabinets today and purged all the old files that I didn't think we needed to keep anymore - you know cable bills from 1999. I think there are rules about how long you are supposed to keep that crap. I only keep them as long as there is room for them in my file cabinet. There wasn't room for even one piece of paper and I knew it was time to purge. It feels really good to throw things away. I love finishing bottles of shampoo and conditioner. It's like a sense of accomplishment.

I'm still wrestling with my anger and thoughts about our doctors next time. I"m still angry that my OB doc hasn't even called. I think I'm going to suck it up and make the hour drive over the mountain to continue seeing the doctors that delivered Isaac. They were there, they know my story, they have called and seen me since. They are really great doctors - I want them to deliver a healthy baby of mine. Is that wishful thinking?